Wednesday, September 28, 2005

i'm so fuck ing hip / yeah /

The Subtle Hipster
sweet jesus. you're 84% hipster.

You're pretty hip, but not in a ridiculously over-the-top kind of way.
In fact, you probably look like a regular person generally and almost
blend in with the masses, but you wear a few subtle signifiers of your
hipness. In fact, hipsters probably don't realize how hip you are until
you get into conversations about music, movies, and politics. You're at
a healthy level of hipness. Rock on. Don't try too hard.



My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 66% on hippoints
Link: The Are you a Hipster Test written by honeysuckle17 on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

all ways / more / questions with no / end ings /

i am tired of this day


ups & downs too plenty full
to mention / & i wonder
what's going on in the sky /& why
on this particular day / so much
from so many / & why all this / crazy ness
re volves / comes back to me


my friends are having melt downs
minds leave bodies / tears roll down
faces /

schizophrenia haunts one friend / 3 thousand miles away
what can i do?

another / depressed & angry / thinks i plotted against him

another / in tears / angry / her son broke in to our house
yester day & ripped us off / /

yet another / phone call reveals a friend who is drawing
a correlation between art i commissioned & former abuse
can't finish / / / let it go i say / never mind / i say




& then there is my child / /










& i wish to be en light en ed / lift this load
it's too heavy this day / of tues day / wed nes day
day slips to night / clock turns just a bit more

& to night we are locked up tight / windows
doors / / so tight / i hold it / in my body
& i'm think ing / / i can't take this any more
want to / yes i think / i'm going to



run a way / from this day / from this
moment in time /






ah / wish for solitude / head pounds
no no / you shant / cant / uh uh / not
for / you / / let this be your peace


& my ears ring just a bit loud er
& he says / come to bed / come
watch tv / & i don't move /






frozen in so many ways /


& i am /st.ill blood let ing /


ah yes / let the crazies drain away

my sin my sin my sin / turn this body
off / shut down / this mind / /


& i'm convinced / it's some thing i've done
the karmic wheel / be ing / what goes
round / /







dave says / let it go / /
so hard to do that some times

a day of anger / of betray al
nervous / hand shaking / belly
turn / let it go




& i am rattled / i wish a / vow of silence
keep the screams / contain ed / in side


& i wonder / if i didn't talk for 40 days
would i lose my voice / & what degree of
anger / does it take /










& i think about / spiral ing / & @ what point
do fractals & paisleys be come danger ous



& just where do lost souls / get to /
i want to know / where light starts









& i / crave / a gain / alcohol
craving / some thing to shut down
ever yt hing // i am not / wisdom




















/









Monday, September 26, 2005

almost a year later / st.ill crazy / so can you

This from An Octopus' Garden

1. Go to your archives.
2. Pull up the 23rd post (or its equivalent).
3. Copy the fifth sentence (or its equivalent)
4. Post the fifth sentence, along with these instructions on your blog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



winter / autumn / both distinct




from:

oct 18 / 2004 blog entry (sheesh / some things never change)

so / can you


so life carries forward
enough of this silliness


today snow covers the mountains
a line half way down
winter / autumn / both distinct

white grey cold / yellow glow / gold
shift between seasons

what words are left to say

today / finally / boots
in rebellion she wears her sandles
sock less / until yester day/ when the
mountain linger ed creak ed
damn it's getting cold

/ now for the eternal tuck ing in
good bye feet / see you in the spring

& so you see / this is the way of seasons
they all ways change / sensible / really
what with the earth spinning



& so see you / this is the way of seasons
always spinning / sense less / around the sun
axis / did i hear any one mention / & we're off
for an other cold / hate this time of year
fear & bitter / wrapped in dark ness
winter freezes her voice / she engages
dark trap of seasonal / what is this

distress.


yeah it's fucking distress ing / stress
@ 6 pm driving / drives / all ways drive ing
in search of maggots / it's true / girl child
with a penchance for animals / / mother relents on the frog
frogs (2) / you promised / /

2 fire belly toads
well / until one disappeared / in to the house /
some where / if some one took it
no one is tell ing / / so one frog disappears

a few days later
another one / the local flavor / tree frog / finds it's self
in the house / found /


this is the way of things which come & go


one thing leaves your life
some thing else comes in

end less circle of
did you know it takes 26,000 years
for our galaxy to do one full loop
a turn about it self /

how can things be that big
it's a wonder i can even think

she can not remember words
or the day / / some where it slipped off
why is it so hard to remember?

let me think

today she does no thing / house crumble
in slow resolute / look away / don't think about the grit

upstairs in the white tile bathroom piss stains the floors
& sugar ants march in procession behind the toilet
/now poisoned/ they disappear in to hairline cracks in the grout

bedding is past due / she sleeps sweat sleep / sweet / wet / sweat heat
changes her shirt 1 2 3 times a night / / body drips / panties soaked
what are these nightmares / chasing demons again / short cut through 4 am
a cross the grey cloud of late est night / a top the bitter blue mountains
crusted in october snow / this is the way to hell

night thoughts / cusp in to reality / & back out again





doesn't it feel some times / some days
doesn't it feel like / you know
ever one a round you / is crazy?

words acknowledged as mumbles / they fail to make sense
like floyd / your lips move but i can't hear what you say

here's hope /there's hope
may be it's just depression
she tries to be optimistic about depression
how coming off anti depressants / make her more depressed
how being on them made her depressed in the first place

this is no fucking poem / / this is
what the fuck
oh this modern pharmacopia of
what is this pulse in the base of my head
take a pill / quit smoke ing / purple pill for every

no / time to stop / it's okay to let your brain tumble
out of control / be crazy some times / /
some thing about remember ing

it's mad ness / less / lee /




& so this green day turns blister cold


sleep is some thing / that will all ways
be elusive

house ticks to quiet / children sleep up stairs
down stairs her husband's voice drones through
the floor / business meet ing late in to the night

fridge stops cool ing for a moment / pops clicks
furnace hums warmth
no thing but night time

Sunday, September 25, 2005

& my own offer ing / blood for me / / where were you / when you were / where you were

& funny how / when the blood sets in
the mind / stops / sinks back in / &
certain lee / the thots / are all there


lock ed down / a bit of introspection
& i am feel ing odd / a gain / cold a gain
try ing to figure / out / out / i'm sure
there was a path / here /







over there // & it's quiet in the house
rock built / sleep deep / little heads
sweaty bodies / grow / grow / in to
the nite / & how i wonder / children
lock ed in dreams / un conscious /



& night be comes / black / moon slenders
ah / last quarter /& on our street / shadows
take over / eyes dim / / steady crunch
crack of leaves fall ing / dry yellow / first
casualties of a new season




& i'm think ing / i'm going to start plant ing
shoes / fill the garden with old sneak ers /
worn out winter boots / broken sandels
certain lee / the children won't miss them






see / the blood does that to my mother mind
stretch es / truth / blinds the eye / ah / follow
the body / tick toc / mind crazy / thinks /
well / isn't that strange / constant lee wonder ing
where i've got ten to


to day it was the garden / just a short circle / one turn about /
tomatoes / ah / beans /st.ill / strawberries / ah / ever bearing
one to relate to / in the back garden / one stubborn canterbury bell
refuses to lose / the bloom / all i can say is / thank goddess
the sun flowers are so damn happy / & yellow /

tall tall / i'm trying to reach the sun / see how it falls
so close to the mountain now/ see how south it moves

@ nite / i only stare @ the north sky / take comfort
in my dipper / watch / amazed / by 5 am / it stands
completely on it's handle / balances on elephant mountain

& i want to imagine / it's the sky moving past me / not
me / moving past the sky / & oh / i could move heaven
for you / see those stars over there / /

those are all for me / /







/

Friday, September 23, 2005

walk ing on water / & other tricks / / last year @ this time

& so i am / re cover ed
from

summer


& autumn brings / frozen morning
car windows iced / oh yes / cold is here


even day time fails to warm shadows
north face / now / permanent lee
on this side of the sun


now the lawn / shrills yellow /


*****************************
*****************************


these are / needles of the driest sort

this garden holds sad ness / season finish ed
the bloom is gone / the bloom is gone

my child cries a million tears for his miss ing father
grief consumes / consumates / this is
thursday / friday /

i look for a metaphor in fall leaves
oregon grape / spiney / prick my fingers leaves
shiny green / vibrant red / rot / crimson decay

i pick a pile of thorny autumn colours
9 of them / stuff them in an empty cigarette pack
they poke holes in my thumbs / rip the

skin of my hands / / some how
the leaves remind me of
love

& some thing snaps in the brain / / a signal / / words to go
back / wards / back
don't tell
mary wouldn't tell / instead / she'd ask god what to do /
you know / & god / good god / he'd say
you haven't done any thing wrong
now get down on / your knees

& oh / you are not god


on the lawn a patch of shaggy manes / mush rooms
crush ed by small boy feet / jump up up up
& down / flatten ed /
mush rooms turn to ink / black sludge
skid across the lawn / / heavy morning dew doesn't help

& that wet morning sun / october. say it again / october
& that wet morning sun / strays weak through pine branches
so pale / & the lawn sits / heavy / wet / green

blades of grass begin to yellow / yey yo / amarillo /
air flush with orange / it all be comes / mountains a fusion
deciduous / coniferous / even the pines & cedars /
drop autumn needles of the driest sort






see the water


& so the day spins in to
eternal sun set / oh it's pink
the whole yard / every green
is glow ing / air is pink

this is / the nature of sun sets

these are yellow days / sun brights
pure blue / & oh / are those white caps
on the lake / don't be fooled / this is
october / /

my last child was born in october /
the last day of pregnancy i remember
a day like / / feel those faint rays
is it any different / / yes / / older now
not wiser tho / knowledge / a tricky thing

gold / it was pure gold / & dark blue /

lake fills the eyes / white capping
wind blows a cross the water / /

wonder ing
can you walk on water / because i believe
i can / see the water / from here





/

Monday, September 19, 2005

clouds in my eyes /

& i have de cided

i like watch ing clouds
never static / / except
in matters of lighten ing

to day / black clouds
with purpose / move stealth
across / head ing east / high
from an other place / vancouver
perhaps / the okanagan / b.c.'s
answer to the desert / yes / may be
these clouds are from / ah / just
pass ing by / /

& i live / surround ed by water
below / me / i walk on it / a cross
the sky / i wash in it / / & i suppose
one could / call it / baptism by water
it would be / fair / to say / i'm
drown ing in it / a gain /


ah but for the glory / heaven / on earth
garden of weed ing / so much blue sky
on some days / green blue mountain on
most days / that is / if the clouds / don't

on thick rain days / rain / be comes fog
cloud eternal / & the other side of the
valley / / gone / from my eye /

funny thing / how clear recent nights
have been

no argument here / there / most lee
they float / swirl / move ing / always on
the move / / /


take the rain with you

i say / take them & be done
with it / /


& the sun grows / weaker
ah fall equinox / nite & day / equal
all things / be ing / never equal

Sunday, September 18, 2005

full fills / a niche / quite nice lee / i might add

& i am / antsy

wish ing / to leave
bound / to this / & morning

ah / occupational hazard / & then there was one
parent / all ways / one


& i've made up my mind / to leave
not sure when / where the journey
will / be / or not / to / & these are
circle thot days / nites /


& so hard to supress the anger / what
cause is this / & late lee / it wells / high er
high er / in my throat / can't swallow hard
enough / to push it back down / & i am
used up a gain / torch ed / /

these days / lawn stays wet / until
after noon / grass basks in this almost
autumn / ah / cool ness / & the month
slips by / a gain / damn it / mourn the loss
of an other year

& i look for ward to having you too

taste this day / i can't stay

i want
to write in to / the day
but can't / wish for sun
to stop play ing with clouds
back & forth they go / blue
or grey / or / some where in
between

& i have frighten ed you /
i'm certain / filled pages of
life with years of words

& i am hunch ed / over book / pen
hand / let go / i tell my self / over &
over

sun warms / for a second / this blue
sweater / / over layers layer / keeps
bones / there is no reprieve / clouds
swollen grey / insistant / cold / &
there is clang of the golf course triangle
& boys giggling on the first tee / i always
suck on this hole / & their voices disappear
in to cars / & childrens yells / my neighbours
deep voice as he speaks to his son /

& the clouds move steady / persist in
climatizing me / cold / back / neck

your summer is over



& a gain / sun breaks thru / strains
/ pretends to stalk / ah / weak rays
& / i was only kidding / you know

i only want ed to touch you



& the red of my hair / heats down
my back / now i'm baking / & clouds
become / paint ings / slow gloss

& i / cover ed in sacherine / bitter
sweet glaze / in side my legs / thighs
you say / dull ache of / chest heavy /
tang of broken / right between the ribs
& i give you / this / my rib

& sun shines / thru thru / rediculous lee
bright / & crows & gulls / pace a round
walk ing / peck ing / just general attitude
& now acorns fall / one one / crack a gainst
earth / & i am strip ing down / 2 layers off
2 to go /

& on a sun day in the park / a million
children play / play on the play ground
their parents play close by / not me / i
sit / a way / with in eye / in line of sight
my children see / /

i drink sun light / light light / give
& an other acorn drops / silly gulls
one would think / they'd learn by now
not every thing is food

rice crackers for mama

& people are happy in the park
on a sun day / & every thing / perfect
except / one black cloud / alive
deliberate






/

& it is very late nite / * notes for you

/



the sky / land scape / glows /
/ suns reflection / blue / & i watch
shadows fall thru the garden






i crave moon lite
orange moon / prairie / ocean moon
mountain moon / white blue / lite / stand ing room only

gotta stop staring @ the sky



& to day final lee / sun shines


& i am @ a loss for words
they/ve all been taken / blame
the wind / a saturday nite / blame
the drunks / laugh ing / pro found lee
in the golf course park ing lot

most lee / blame the drunk boys
in the house below me / voices
rising up thru trees / hey put it
away man / there will plenty time
for that later / laught er / i'm gonna
force her man / / door closes

they are look ing
they look / for straws / & i am st.ill
staring / can't help my self / moon is
so god damn bright & i'm think ing /
keep my daughter safe /

& my skin / be gins / to fail
a gain / /

ah / what a love lee shell / /
it's what's on the in side /
broken connection to / lost
be tween / heaven / ah / this
hell / bent / can't stop / holds
every thing in


& if you only knew how much i love you


more broken words / not for me
& why can't it / we / go back to
where ///


it's going for ward / it's what scares me
most lee / i just want / to stop time /
get hung up on long days / / soon soon
long est nites / & i can't find the words
i've been mean ing to say / the ones
circling / insidious lee / torn / now / i am

a hard place to be / heart jumps / day lee
takes it's own place in the world /

can't
control it /

soul / love / constant lee pull ing

this / way / that / way & i am
crazy from / in decisive / can't make a plan
crazy from / / need to run




& st.ill / i struggle to share / these most important
words of all / /


i cup dead in my hands / hold it / them
close to my face / it's better that way
it's a good way / to plan an other 7 years

& i'm count ing back wards / a gain
erasing time / play ing crzy with photos
where did time / leaving now / gone gone
left the station /

i all ways know be fore you
tell me /
i all ways see you when i need to /

find me / / i will / / search er keeps search ing






& some times / a gift bestowed / ah / given
give give / it is good to give / take this from
me / a moment of charm / words be come

poetry of their own / making / this / a good
thing / give me / your self / & i surrender
here / take this / i give you / my self / /

but

some things can't be given / soul soul /
i give you my heart / but there is no reply
only / drunken laughter / wish you here / me

there / take me / / & head be comes heavy
& see / there is no guilt / apathy doesn't
care / about / empty / accumulation of heart is gone

you know / it was good for a fantasy / it was good
for my hand be tween / / wet wet / / i thot of you
down there / hey i'm over here / it's good to breathe

in to you / some times / coat me / i like your juice
& a gain / / hold tight / / feel good feel ing never lasts
it was the weight of you / up on me / crush crush me

take away breath / all sensibility / can't breathe any ways
might as well / die / i'd / would you / would you / & death
has that far a way look / a gain / can't you see / i've been

look ing @ you / wait ing /

& i ain't wait ing for no thing



been here be fore / / there fore / / i went there
hard part was coming back / first time / second time
i'm back now tho / numbers be gin / have / toll is minor

on a scale of 1 - 10 / i'd like a number eighteen please
if you don't mind / & i don't mind / i'll be out in the
garden if any one's look ing / & even if they are

not / can / not / i can't / make this feel ing go a way
& i am

climb ing in to your arms / taste ing your salt / oh
earth / yes / that's what it was / me / i am / feet
on the ground / a shallow appearance @ best

you mean / there are actually moments of stabilty
it's when i'm @ my best / / & i am wander ing
in to late nite / heart no less heavy / no less light




not afraid of nite time / shelter
the dark / safe / in side








/

Friday, September 16, 2005

up there / so close to the sky /

& the spazm rips thru
a chain / w/ teeth / & i can not
stand / a gain / & if one wing flutter ed
would it really change /





never meant to be / / so what is this journey
& moon / in it's infinite bright ness / casts blue
& shadows / thermometre drops / & i'm wonder ing
about socks for the mama / & time / all most / to
pull out shoes / /

the spazm rips / just a bit / deep er

& i am chain ed to you / in finite lee / attach ed
such a pain / full / yes it is / place / / valley of melancholy

walk far in to the dark / now / no where else to go
these things to think of /




& so now / you be come / a fraid / same affliction
don't come near / let me scare you / watch me
crazy /




& @ this time of nite / wash er & dry er
true to form / to the pile up a gainst / shakes
the house shakes /& i am think ing of socks st.ill
he needs his whites for travel tomorrow / up up
& a way / he flies / south / east / some where in
america / he goes / & i / we stay / put / lost in a valley
green / the valley / green / ah but fall comes / waits
for frost / wait/s to turn turn / mountains begin to
yellow up / / after days of cloud / rain / clear sky
brings full moon / & i wonder if the sun flowers
turn moon face / do they like the lite / or is it
fuck ing up their cycle / / lite on the back porch
reveals

10 deg c / st.ill / moderate lee warm / for mid nite

pull on an other layer

you see / @ mid nite / laundry is fold ed
one load @ a time / his socks tumble tumble
& why can't i get on that plane too / except
i'm fly ing in the opposite direction / every plan
seems to go a wry / / & i wonder how much time
i've left / for planning /


i wish / i wish / i wish / open eyes / ah
st.ill here / / can't figure out where / where
i would / go /

& the ideal scenario is:











we met in the desert / remember / he says
& i re turn back / back / only a memory now
re member / like a picture / except i taste it
breathe ing in to you / & funny how you claim ed
space some where between / jesus / & i am mary /
yes i tasted
it on the very air you exhaled / thick with liquor lies /


crazy how the mind for gets the parts that hurt / /
trans gressions no one speaks of / / words that go a way

really / if i wait long enough / all those words / written
spoken / dream ed / or thot / will all / be gone / time
the great heal er / for getter / time / yes / come to my side

let me kill the screams




& so i'm think ing / if you would just / only
hold / me
once / i would be okay / you know /
once could be for ever / some thing
to tide me / & oh
the ocean is so blue / this time of year / waves
crash ing / mean / this season is / & yet i would
stand in the wind / with you / feel my hair whip
in to strands / dis order / past my back / fine
sand break ing a gainst bare arms / legs
i would do that / you know / be the poem
trust / in /

but these are mere lee words a gain
me wait ing for you / me wait ing for
the passage of / & i grow old er / this moment
not the same as / soften ing of skin / back of the
hands be come / my fathers & i wonder if the
garden knows / feels my hands

& so / all ways / the house / sleeps / deep
& i am caught be tween / hum of the tower
& an urge to smoke cigarettes / more / all ways
more
where is my sleep



gone some where / travelling / turn ing with the dryer
turn ing with socks /

my sleep waits / with you /

& i am dream ing white rooms
with open windows / breezes to cool / & i am dream ing
a tall latte / & thick house coats /
hotel style / / here's your laundry mam


but / i am go ing / now where /

lost between mountains & water / eternal running of //
lost between poet & mother / can't be measured / /
& this year all the snow on kokanee glacier
is gone / bare grey rock / & i'm wonder ing if i could dance /





/






fee fi / fiddle dee dee

& i wonder /
what will be come of


me



/

no more questions/ more / on this / for you / lorna dee remix

certain lee / trees are turn ing / once more
reds tip leaves / not caring / green is gone

& this mind / loves the walk ing /
loves the wound ed / & in down time /
really / only thinks of stars / whits of lite
follow the dipper over the mountain / see see / it'll take you
to dawn / between drags
of cigarettes / & late nite

& see / day lee / passion rises / up up / i'm think ing
how do i get out of town / & what if / just what if

& i feel / the / a shift coming

on & round / /& once a gain
i've bitten / hard / in to
some thing bitter / /

& i'ts the hand around my throat i keep
coming back too / i can't for get / loss of
breath / glint of tooth / ah a smile / i'd walk
a million miles to taste that smile a gain

this very thing that keeps the body going
mind @ bay / / it's the water / constant lee
drawn back to the edge of blue / verge

a bohemian nite cap / when air tastes
like some thing you can't for get / sugar wine
salt / i could swear it was clover / / & i have
hand to hip / finger to bone / a long the line
of / spine / / it all ways pass es /

& i am walk ing on / in to / nite time
a gain / broken a way from yellow
& orange of / all day / clouds cover

& i am smell ing sweet soap again / cover ed
in ash once more / soak ing in water up to my
chin / try ing to wash / clean

fire / st.ill in my cheeks


/

Thursday, September 15, 2005

fire / st.ill in my cheeks / more / on this / for you

& i am walk ing on / in to / nite time
a gain / broken a way from yellow
& orange of / all day / clouds cover

certain lee / trees are turn ing / once more
reds tip leaves / not caring / green is gone

& so hard to write these words / hands
dis connect ed / from / slow / thot

& concentration requires / con cen tra tion
i can't go there right now / / body a mass of
oh / this cruel hurt // this is wish ing
for / mercy / & how do i change this / stop stop
light en ing bolts & knots /

& this mind / loves the walk ing /
loves the wound ed / & in down time /
really / only thinks of stars / whits of lite
follow the dipper over the mountain / see see / it'll take you
to dawn / & last nite / sleep finally consumes / just for a moment
this moment / & some times i wonder / will i wake up / but
these are only thots / pass ing / strange / in significant / lost
between drags of cigarettes / & late nite


& see / day lee / passion rises / up up / i'm think ing
how do i get out of town / & what if / just what if
i left / / every one would hate me / i tell tony
may be you should just go on a holiday in stead
he suggests / & i say / then i'll have to come back


suffer the little children

let the mothers rot in hell



& i feel / the / a shift coming

on & round / /& once a gain
i've bitten / hard / in to
some thing bitter / /

it's all about bad words choices /
intention / with no / intent
it's me push ing crazy on you


& i'ts the hand around my throat i keep
coming back too / i can't for get / loss of
breath / glint of tooth / ah a smile / i'd walk
a million miles to taste that smile a gain

but it all ways comes back to that
this very thing / & i am repeat ing a gain
i am repeat ing / /

this very thing that keeps the body going
mind @ bay / / it's the water / constant lee
drawn back to the edge of blue / verge

a bohemian nite cap / when air tastes
like some thing you can't for get / sugar wine
salt / i could swear it was clover / / & i have
lost all images / lost to memory / touch of
hand to hip / finger to bone / a long the line
of / spine / / it all ways pass es /

& i am smell ing sweet soap again / cover ed
in ash once more / soak ing in water up to my
chin / try ing to wash / clean





there are no more questions




/





Wednesday, September 14, 2005

the fire in my cheeks / stolen / not borrowed / this is / for you

& to night / lap top crash es
& i'm caught be tween
void & verge / cusp of wave
& i'm wonder ing / just how much
shit i lost / & thank who ever / we
have so many electronics in the house
& i sit down / here / @ the kids comp
& wonder about bastards that send
virus's in to my mail box

damn











but these are minor errors / ones
that can be fixed / replace / learned


it's the errors of the heart / mind / body / soul
that
i can't get over / can't even get under
& i am afraid / of blurred memory / of for got ten
yesterday / i can't remember the day / a gain
week passes / & these words / look strange






& i too / look strange / not the face i remember
& down stairs / beat of base / rises / thud thud
what are these nite time noises / where is my quiet
& he has / is home again / pass ing / we pass / here
to gether / a part / a lone / / come sleep with me
& he holds me / rest less /





& some how / this morn ing / when i woke up
impossib lee / sun shone / part ing white clouds
pull ing blue sky with / & i could not sleep
for children's voices / thump of morn ing /
school's in / & fights in the bath room / &
tostle of heel & cheek / lunches to be made
water runs / feet pound down the stairs / &
this day starts like this / every day now /
i'm think ing / season moves too fast / & soon
chill of leaf less trees / & the ground goes in to
rest / yes i'm rest ing now / soon the snow will fly
& i'm all ready there / i've been to the cold
/ st.ill shaking

so i hold hope / / one small dream of blue sky
temperate wind / / white white / my skin pales
next to you / / & i wonder if i could breathe salt
air / would it change me / / & i dream of ocean's
edge / feet sink / suck ing in to sand / & each wave
/ oh mightee wave / rolls over / pulls / me / pulls

yes / i am wait ing for spring time /

summer isn't even over



& i just want to tell you i'm glad you made me
leave / & i am not angry / only wonder ing / why
i do the things i do / & why crazy attracts crazy

yeah / i was just wonder ing / /




& you / oh beauty of my nite thots / where have you been
when i wake up / late nite / think ing / some how / in this moment
this thot is shared / of wonder ing what / & where / & how you are
in this world / /
& i am not really a lone / in this / my world of / surround ed
by / all / who come / & go a gain / & i miss my friends / /
& yet / it is
you / i wish to be surround ed by / warmth of / full sum of parts / / heart
on heart / / but / you will never hold me / / it's ask ing too much
i know / demand ing / i know / i know / i know / / but can't you
see /

& you / radiance / brown skin / always against blue
/ i wish to see your eyes / a quick peek in side / i'm wonder ing
what's with in / un der words / bands of lite / show me / i want
to see

& i realize / i can't / for these are lessons in frustration / / .

emancipation

of heart / no / i'm too busy restrain ing / it / can't let it go right now
& off it runs/ like the ginger bread boy / except mine is blue
often found frozen in snow banks / wait ing / wait ing / i wait
for revival / / / & i think / there is no thing tangible / / foundations
with out bottoms / / fall ing a gain / /
& i realize / / i can't / restrain / there is no control in this late
hour











& so you be come the fire / in my / oh brain is /
damn i'm tumbling a gain / /



i woke up / i didn't know where i was



my feet cool / a breeze almost warm
autumn morn ing / & i pull ed them
un der the blanket with the rest of me

i was a lone / & it occured / just a re collection
to me / i wasn't really here / just a minor / major
shadow / like ness of a mid nite cigarette / 3 am
star lite / i was / bare lee perceivable / even the mirror
refused to show more / than / black en ed out sockets
where my eyes used to be / a black scribble a cross
all ways / a cross / holy
crucifixion / of heart


i too / am tired of dying

dis burse ments / soul pay ment

so i write / in to this day time
of gray cloud / & oh the sun wish es
to shine / break thru / just a bit of gold


& i am / never mind ing a gain /
stop / & day time / comes for get full
i won't go there / any more / stay a way now

for soul can't take / ah / & the pain / a cross
chest / a long rib / stabs / re lent less / live
in sin / bask in sin / receive / receive / here
i gift you this pain



& i am / send ing crazy / in to / share with you
a dis connect ed / this is mind/soul

search ing for / i could have sworn
i put it down some where / heart less


& i don't even want my self / questions
only hollow reflection of / what i'm lack ing
in side / / & i wonder / / where is majik


so much easier to pretend /



& i let you go /

Monday, September 12, 2005

be mused / be my muse /

re cover / a coat ing / a lay er of
what?


& to nite i'm think ing / wish i could run
from all this / get in to a car & drive
to some where i've never been / a road trip
except / / i never come back



south / to the desert
south / to the blue of water

want to feel / wind against bare body


& i am dream ing of sleep-ins / late morning
coffee / smell of ocean / you / coat ing my skin
some where / sun falls thru open windows
curtains blow / dance across / my tongue

& i wake / resonance of thot / where are the
beautiful words / / lost / stuck in my throat
caught between breaths / some where
with you

& i realize
& i am disappear ing in to even ing cloud
weaver of broken lies /





& i wait for an answer


/

Sunday, September 11, 2005


so hard to decide /  Posted by Picasa

another painting by alf crossley / it's going to be very hard to decide on the cover for horsefly Posted by Picasa

& i am / wait ing for next year

& to day / rain falls
cold / dark / this day never sees
bright of sun shine /
body moves heavy / body of no
sleep / where is the tired / gone with
summer / summer gone autumn



it's the warmth of summer i miss so much
it's me / here / in side / with my coat on /
layers for mama / layers for bones

back tight with / chill



& i am try ing to remember what you look like /
a picture worth / where are those thousand words /
& a gain / we talk / but i can't figure out where it's going
as you move a round questions / art full dodger
/ & i just need to know /

some thing about fill ing in gaps / try ing to under stand
where / & if / i fit in / / eternal lee lost

funny how silence can be / is / full / empty / with words &
a gain / i am fall ing // & you say /

i wish to be in love / but i for get what it feels like / / & i want
to ask you / what do you mean /
& oh / questions a gain / /



& i dream you / blue water / all ways / water
ripple against skin / warm / where is the damp
of summer / south south / i wish to go south




& is it really fair / to let my mind go there
wander // & wander it does // provides / perhaps
a token of hope / dreams held tight lee
/ tighter / i say / tighter / & when you let go


i'll catch you



& tonite / mountains have disappeared
from sight / plain view / reduced to
hush & sweep of cloud / fine damp of rain
& every thing dry breathes in / deep i say /
deep / drink the water /fall ing from the sky /


for it is in plain view now / heart floats on
top / pretends to be buoyant /


if only i could swim
i'm sure it'd be okay

but nite prefers the drown ing









& im ask ing / what is it you really want
the reflection doesn't answer back
window just stares / un care ing / flat faced

& i wonder / why i place heart in such strange places

st.ill / the reflection / heart / doesn't answer
because there are
no answers to lessons /














/

5 toads on a bench


the really weird thing about this picture is:

we are at a rave with 10000 other people / where are they???

/ / / i think they were all sitting on that little tiny bit of blotter j'than ate / / / Posted by Picasa

steve jones hangs out with tony in the alley / why so serious steve / well / it's like this / i haven't slept in nites & nites / & my makeup is running in to my eyes / my lipstick is faded / & my hair is a mess / / / / oh damn oh damn oh damn / / funny thing is / / tony doesn't seem to mind / / / get that boy another drink  Posted by Picasa

Saturday, September 10, 2005


choosing the cover for horsefly / by alf crossley Posted by Picasa

Friday, September 09, 2005

cold / open ing windows for grace

moments / like clouds / always move

change // & see / i don't think it's fair / in the

name of fair ness / / you know more of i

than i of you / / & certain lee i lay my self down

give words / / all ways talk ing / / but real lee

there is no thing to share / of significance




for i am empty //













& i am roll ing joints for jesus / it is with great faith
i roll a rizzilla white / & dream a zig zag blue
oh lord / this paper is too thin


& i am smoking in my office again / late nite
weed / they said / grass / i say / & the green rises
around my head / a gain / / & i'm think ing / @
this time of nite / who give a fuck




it is my broken head that doesn't sleep


& tho eye burns / fog i say / fog / it's burn ing a gain
& head nods / / some thing / it's a minor error i say

some thing wakes me / hour lee / sweats

the voice says / you're fight ing demons a gain / & the
damp of hair sticks down my back / wet wet / i say
i can't take this / / smoke cigarettes / eat / drink water

sleep sleep / & tho i walk thru the valley of sleep waking
i shall become / i shall fear / will i / will i /
head thickens &

i'm sure i can't remember / / /


so i lite a smoke in stead / feel the numb ness / feet
frozen a gain / / / it's all a gain / end less


& to day we speak of gold en / how the days shift to bright
& the grass is white/yellow in the field / summer burnt in to
autumn // & i am wish ing for green / to stay / sun / to stay
high with me / & all ready / low lite / lowt of wynter / the thot
of / encroaching time / & really i know i shouldn't get so sad



not yet / time is not over yet









so i walk thru the valley of autumn & really
it's st.ill summer / & i have decided

it's time for a cure /
a time to cleanse / mind / body / spirit


& you'll see / i can just disappear like that
don't worry / she says /


but that was yester day / & i could have sworn it
was last week / but time is like that / elusive
easily for gotten






& i am fold ing in to / knots again //









/








this late nite / come ing down from crazy

silence / you give me

& i am for gotten / a gain &

a gain / silence /


& i am travelling in side my head a gain &
a gain / i'm think ing / this is not what
i had in mind / & sky screams nite time
can the street be any black er / & i am


content to wait / content to be & i know
patience rises up / some where / i said
i can wait / / so i did / i do / /
& time


pull ed / pulls // i was there a gain




& i've decided / i need to red flag
death / count it out / how many times
how many times /

when one be comes lost / a metaphor of my own making


& i'm think ing / it's a mess / i've made a mess / once
a gain / /


so / 42 is the answer


& my question is /







& i notice how the blood s falls throughthewater
adhere's to
porcelain /sticks to the toilet bowl
after i flush / how it
twists away in threads


& see / i see / thru to the other side
& i can't / for get / what you look like



i wish to walk on water /








& i'm learn ing to fly / but I ain’t got wings
comin’ down / is the hard est thing * tom petty







i can't come down






/

Monday, September 05, 2005

falling in to / dawn /

& i wonder




do you plan love for next year


& how far away / can you
move from a thot / only thots / /

they spin thru
my head too






funny how the year / folds in to
autumn / & the sun is orange glow now
low / unassuming / st.ill warm in the
after noon / / but nite reminds me

put a sweater on / / & i wish for

all day / all nite / lay my skin bare / heat

but i don't think it's coming any time soon


& i bleed in to this nite / all ways / this way / purification of
what /? / my sins /?/ oh wash a way / / & what
have you done my child / / & the crash ing of words
feint memory / / lies lies / i tell you / it's only lies

& i can't remember what it was / any more
pockets of black / / & i think / hey / fade back in to

& for a second / world be comes / new again / & i wonder
what am i talk ing about / who is this / / re birth

shoot back in to / / pure white lite

absolute absolve

& now i am fold ing back in to / / & this body eases
remembers heart beat / tries to breathe deep
pull it to gether now / / & the hot knots get hotter


just stumble through it












ride the knots / plan for heart break
seek the muse / don't cry










& once again / nite becomes a danger / / when
minds goes over board / re acts / re action /
no cause / no reason / brain cycles out / /

follow the whims of the gut / belly feels every thing
i am the centre of my centre / / & certain lee the cold
rests there / odd feel ing / empty i say / fill me with


what


& i leave the house / drink on my breath
bad habits to go
& so i go / see a bit of my world / see
what's going on / see / see / & in my town
i walk in to the bar / band plays / open stage
open / / i wait my turn / drink in hand / smoke
in hand / poems in hand / wait / drink & talk
to men / always men in the bar / & every one is
drunk / but i've decided not to drink before read ing
but in the bar / it never works out that way

on stage @ last:

it's the satisfaction of reading to an empty room
louder than the drunks / poet speaks / some listen
most drink / / clink clink / / last call of the night
& the bar maid packs a way bottles

& i wonder / wtf am i doing here ?


lost poet / / try to raise conscious thot
tell them / it's here / all in here / /

but i think /it's a lost cause in a bar on
a sun day nite / / / / / /


& i am walk ing thru dreams again
of / / stretch ed out / naked / warm


i am cover ed in my own evil / / callouse dis regard
for the soul / / i stop my journey here /


yes / i am walk ing thru dreams again
& you know / it's time less on the desert
where rock beats red against end less blue
sky / did i mention / un for give ing / /
& summer passes / waves / smiles

sorry but i'm just pass ing thru
just like / the dreams / & how they move
shift / like clouds / like the big dipper over
elephant mountain / & last year dez says
it really is the big dipper / / yes travel north
my dear / / land of big stars /

all night / earth spins past my dipper / & @ 3 am
last star on the handle falls behind the mountain
@ 5 am it swings clear & falls in to dawn / / & i am
falling too /





/

Sunday, September 04, 2005

gather ing souls /

& what

storm is in my eye

& i'm think ing

if a bible is the only thing you have left in this world
clutch it / & dare breathe air / fetid / sick

/ hear it a lot late lee

don't turn on the tv / net's enough for me

want to hear / truth /

final lee / to day / one news paper
& i'm total lee / de press ed / too much
pain in this world / & i wonder



what the fuck are we doing /

it ain't much / not much @ all













& i am lost between crazy a gain / trancers &
drug addicts / & i wonder / how long does it take

be fore the sun right's it self / & if one sat on a roof
how long would it take to fall off / roll in to the nite
& i'm think ing about snakes & alligators & sharks &
fire ants / /

& st.ill / / i remain / lost between a pack of cigarettes &
the urge to / run

it's all in your mind


& s
eptember stays summer




i swear it was the rant ings of / well / it was some thing
poet / perhaps / for get ing lines / remember ing

points of light / / halos of white / /

& that cloud / it hung / black / full of souls
i could hear the cry ing / /


but that was yesterday / & now / nite falls / fell

i think the stars are out

it's black i say / this nite / who fell / falls /

i'm fall ing again




& some where ///


lost in the mountains / vitamin kay crowd gathers for a trance

send the love / they say
feel it / / & the crops are in
& really no body gives a fuck
cause there are so many things to do
places to go people to meet pounds to move
it's in the street / i tell you / it's in the street

& the hipp ees / the funk ees / street people
abound / / & the city police say / close the
soup kitchen / it's bring ing in the violence

& they have no idea

what's really bring ing in // what's really bring ing in

the violence













& i close my eyes / let nite fall /

it fell all around me
but i was okay with
that / some thing about
surround ing my self
in white light / some
thing about / letting go





i can do that / you know










out side / garden turns autumn / & all day
small boys / run run run / / play guns / /
they make knives out of lego / whoop yell
bang against the house / / certain lee / tears

& i'm driven in desperation / to the thot of
school in 3 days / & how will i make it /
morning all ways / comes too soon

& the tired sets in / oh the joy of an empty house

*giant sigh of relief












/








Friday, September 02, 2005

LOL / the funny searches that find my blog

evil breast 666


i even beat out pamela anderson's breasts


hee hee hee


it is funny

Thursday, September 01, 2005

& oh / we are easing in to it again

& i am cold /



for a change / a turn in
the weather


i keep return ing to water / /
death by / & oh / the ocean so
un for giving /


& i don't want to look @ pain

a gain / earth changes / for ever
only for a moment

i only / close my eyes / & feel it
yours / all ways yours / / & the water creeps
stealth / up up /

& the sea reclaims it's delta //

be damned / to be poor
& the mississippi mud swallows / just a bit
more blood / /



& see / it's my own fault / for not pay ing
watch ing / the world / / i am lost


in the garden / look ing @ tomatoes / walk ing
under the sunflowers / look ing @ bees / so many
honeys this year / how far do they fly / to come to
my garden


what have you been up to

not much / except the tighen ing a cross my chest
my belly hurts a gain / it's the weight of the world
& i wonder why i walk so heavy / & the answer comes


/& tho i walk through the valley of water / / & i shall fear
drown ing / / i will fear the ocean / in finite eye / circle of
wind












& i'm think ing / i wish i could talk to you
tell you / / remember you / remember
remember / / & you shake your head

no no / i don't / i don't / & all the words get stuck
in side / / & all i can think / is / damn / the bloom is fading
soon the lawn will shrill yellow / where are the pansys /
& the echinacea takes over it's part of the garden / & still
phlox / 4 feet high / brilliant / oh so hot / i love pink / but /
those too / begin / oh god / it's start ing a gain / it's end ing a gain
the fade is on the bloom / the fade is on the bloom

summer / turns / right here / / shift back in to

soon the gold en days arrive / & oh / sun tries so hard
to stay strong / but there is some thing about
this side / that side / of the sun /

& then i remember / i was try ing to /








/