Tuesday, November 30, 2004

three november nites - verismo in b flat -

this moon stays large for a very long time

long enough to cool the earth / frost heaves

all things dead in the garden / crunch under boot

snow is odd this year - it comes & goes /
sun fell behind the mountain @ 11:57 am
the day now a shadow of the mountain
cold blue

morality - - good vs evil
with in - - -

the story

voices get louder / more & more in the way
of logic reason / / illogic thot

hands go red / white / oh so cold

dull ache of lung / from smoking out side

this cold cuts through clothing straight to skin
ice i tell you it's ice
time to cover all bare patches / you got a hat
you should really wear a hat / /

you see / i've been wear ing 2 layers for 2 months
already / i ain't no fool / cold is fucking cold
i know that ///

two november nites - pianissimo - in o's


end of november shows up
cold blue bitter

& it falls / worried
dry snow / a million million flakes
of frozen time /

this earth never stops spinning

stop / stopped - stepped down –

i wish to dis em bark now / this ride's too fast for me

street light wears a white orange
halo / eyes burn a glow ------ is this a sign? †

every thing holy crosses
along the centre of my gravity
the bit between ribs & hips

wear this cold autumn sash low
to cover the scars / / words burn holes
in my - in my - in my . . . i for get now

talk about perpetual motion
& honest tea / shot of scotch
to loosen the sole /
found on the bottom
of a broken shoe / /

/ stik.stik.stik
how the lino floor sounds in the kitchen

*daisies in my eyes
yellow centres / white petals
i'm blinded by flowers *

just a moment while i turn my back
rip me to pieces
/ you can

turn the piano book upside down
& follow notes a cross (holy † trinity)
the page / clef be comes treble clef
strange lee / notation be comes
a beautiful

sound - yes / skips in to my nose / down the back of my throat /
not to be / to be / salt / but i do not / care /
b flat is the note of my soul

Monday, November 29, 2004

accelerando in a sharp #

the bath room is warmed
by the constant glow
of a electric heater

some times i use your tooth paste
in the dark i hold my toothbrush
to the light of the window

a gob of silhuette / i place it on the brush

some times i can hard lee see

every thing is so seperate / we each have our
assigned shelves & drawers / my side of the bed
your side of the room / i hoard my new pillow

funny how seperation creates two people
who hard lee know who the other one is

a hard line of cliche' / that's what it is

i can't stand your anger / twisted sensibilies
cut with words / hidden knife bleeds me more than you
can ever / will ever / know

& so snow falls / small dry flakes
road way becomes virginal / bright passage
just for this moment / this one bit / hand shake of time
consider how the earth seems to take every thing back
even if it's only for this moment
nothing profound
only late nite

brain becomes an increasing

brain is a series of

quiet / / thots are circular / / with no meaning

you see / there is all ways this internal battle
i name thee psychomachea

the conflict / a conflict
virtue & vice

perhaps intuition is not enough

how does one know how to die / when does the spirit

bah /

it becomes a bore / / there is no original thot left
for this writer / / words not to be seen / meant to be read

ah the nite casts so much doubt

twice the beads appear to the side of the key board
she wonders why they keep appearing there
ususally they sit on the edge of the book shelf

these things make her wonder her own sanity
so sure i put them up once / but how did the beads get there
to begin with / / hemp string with 8 tiny beads rust & blue
2 thousand year old chinese beads made by some ones long turned
bone dust hands / / there is a piece of amber on the string as well
& 2 larger beads / one yellow / the other an oval opague / these two
came from indian burial grounds / trading beads brought by the europeans

& i wonder if they are try ing to tell me something
a majik spell / an omen / / an idea / / how do i move this energy for ward

how do move from crap / / bad energy / / i wish to be free of being

hate these blur of days / fingers slow lee for get where the keys are
all things slow / / become / / a votex of yesterdays & last weeks
& some times i think the only way i can hold on to the word is to write
every thing around me / / keeping track of / this life & nothings

i fail to see how this pushes me
along / what is the purpose of the writer
can the writer say any thing which hasn't been said before?

time for the sleepy pill to kick in

Sunday, November 21, 2004

something nothing

you know
my chest hurts / a burn in the side of my
lung / weak muscle

down stairs / bom bom bom / rock guitars
what a stereo / / & i know you love me
just don't know how / you with rose coloured glasses
see nothing / you don't know me / / elusive touch

push me away / & i always loved you /
jealous / i was / ivy
this is how i take you / / this is how
i travel my road / what is this thing
that's come to pass

Saturday, November 20, 2004

let me roll it - (heart)

respect is not an option
you either give or you

i wish

these words refuse to fall /
there is only an image of eyes
blue eyes / intense / as

what is this longing?

the distance makes her wonder about

blue white capping water

dark blue / deep / mystery
cold the water is cold

to day she puts on a red hat
she thinks ' my husband hates me
no - he's un happy -

& she looks at her hands
sore hands / pain shifts to the knee
side of the leg / numbness of the heart
mind / it's okay / if one memory / say perhaps
of a kiss or a touch / makes you happy / well then

no - she dies from longing / heart simply stops

all the other pain creeps up / dumbs down dull
does this end

they talk about death
you talk about death
i talk about death

dying is for the brave / the holy
i am not prepared to take that step @ this time

hold on / hold on to that which is greater

so she does

fortitude / build a wall / defend the pain

read these words
read these words

over & you you read my words & remember
that maybe just maybe

i love you after all / mean words / callous come
back /

after all a dream is just that
a dream is just / only / she can't remember the words
seems there was an image / a few lines to a poem

kisses / a million miles of / hold me
tongue darts from the side of the mouth

& yet truth seeps in late night twists & turns
shallow sleep
dark mare / dreams of

white dress moving in the wind / buttons
a row of eyelet / stitch of time / /

this is the white dress of mary
this is the mother , the father
the holy host / virgin ghost

epic story / intensity of lost spirits

when a body dies / it searches for

what what ' what am i searching for
i can't seem to find it / this thing
i've lost / misplaced /

when i misplaced my self / i was fucked

you need to find your self / love your self

no / i hate this body / this is not mine

i give you my self / / placed my heart
a wheel heart is like / mccartney

i can't tell you how i feel
my heart is like a wheel
let me roll it
let me roll it to you

bolts of nothing

i tried to imagine what it would be like
to stand facing you

beard against white skin
try to remember the smell of you
the taste of your spit
your tongue licking the side of my mouth

i physically ache / pain becomes too much
chest hurts for you

want is another word for need
to have / i want you

yet it is an impossible situation
the more i can't the more i want / need

feed on this sadness / days become daze
night becomes more than dark ness

Thursday, November 18, 2004

so sparkles sunshine

& so the sparkle of sunshine leaves
for a cover a snow / flat grey lite

where has this day gone / so dark now
for a moment sun smashes through the clouds
divine diamonds sprinkled across the mountains

but it only lasts for a moment / grey mist
snow laden / heavy sky sets in again
sun falls behind the tree line

how long until the dark days move toward next year
can you tell me please

thought the window / a painting
cedars dressed in hunter green / this is forest
wild cherry sheds it's last yellow leaves
so bright against
sky pale blue / & mountains iced with early winter
flat blue periwinkle almost

this head is too heavy
divinity elusive

the signifigance of winter /

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

latenite nonthing some times i gotta sleep

so this late doesn't improve just gets later
hand forget how to spell words

mind a race against minst mean meant meat

is it any wonder the mind gets so confused

Sunday, November 14, 2004

awkward ten sion

hands still hold pain
awkward tension
cold nights / she stands out side

blue smoke rises up in to the cloud
the fog / constant companion

i could watch the clouds for ever

some days they are like ribbons tied tight
against the blue of mountain / other days

they ride up the center of the lake / eye level

mostly the damn white encompasses damp shoulders
& the trees disappear / /

snow line has travelled half way down elephant mountain
waits for lower colder / clouds with bellies full of flurries

i am afraid of this dark winter / my body now an unforgiving temple
of hot pulses . take this pain . oh winter .

wait for snow / light comes in the form of snow / crystals & diamonds
soon houses will be covered in xmas kitsch / beautiful lights / more light
more colour / give this light to me oh mother
& let me pass once more through the door of winter solstice / let me
remember summer heat

die from the cold / eventually every things browns&molds rot.
it takes all winter for those leaves to break down - i wish for a rose

picked from the garden / the garden is blackend / flattened from the snow last week

in the dream i'm working in the garden the edges trimmed fresh soil turn the earth
begins to warm & i look for eternity in a pack seeds ; perpetuation of a species / plant
things that will grow for a long time / perennials / self seeders

she dreams of early spring when the snow melt and the warm mildew of earth rises
when one morning rain becomes noise as it breaks through the mantle of winter

at but to make it to solstice in stead - to make it through the holidays & creep somehow into
the new year - count back in the hours of sunlight

you see this heart is broken / it's not sure why someone drilled / i coulda sworn he had a rachet drill and it when around and around / popped a perfect hole in my chest / drilled right through me. . i'm empty i n that spot. . empty hurt . body betrays in every way.

how much pain can a body take before the mind goes crazy
could someone answer this question for me

why this betray of this body / my body

we find out one of my sons in blind in one eye
birth defect / tends to run in families / he says mom
you know i can't see so well out of this eye so we go
the eye doctor & i expect he will get glasses.

this doesn't happed. he says the child won't wear the glasses he gives him
cause one lense will be an inch thick - contact is not an option either because he
is prone to viral infections in that one eye.

i cried. for a whole day - gussy cried for me patted me on the back and said it's okay mom.

for him it's normal / it's always been that way

suddenly odd things about the child began to make sense / / they

gus of the drawings / painter / musician / actor commedian
always in the center of the circle / all love gus
quiet / deep / chronic asthma / chronic excema & yet he never
complains / never says a word / gus you bring me wonderment
patience and humility / for that i thank you
love ffrom your mother

Saturday, November 13, 2004

this late month

@ nite it rains leaves
constant crackle of
some thing break break / trees dead broken leaves

drop to the ground / in silent resignation
back to organtia / house of rot

earth waits / cold / always cold
like me

funny how things slip away / thoughts
memories dull / old pain

& i remember
folding in to you / taste of your sweat
sweet salt on my tongue

some thing about the smell of you

you know it was the first autumn i didn't die from the dark ness

some thing about your crazee mind

it's cold on this side of the sun

hands freeze / slow death to the hand


life normalizes / becomes what it was before
count count counting
time / so sure i've been here before
@ this late month /

winter is a lonely place

& the eyes begin to draw / chest tight
stabbed / too much tension /

& i wonder / was it wrong to love you
obsessed / died from it

& i think / of the field of crosses
thick green grass / pressed against your chest
my back / voice in my ear

but it passes / gone from this mind / a final
grasp at spring summer / oh it moves so fast &
where did it go / / that feeling \ \ never to be
contained again /

i wish ed a million other dreamsfor you
/ they fell in broken fragments
meant nothing /

thick drops of blood fall
fills the toilet bowl with carmine circles

soul journey in a woman's body

what is this blood that falls from me

all words look awkward

death becomes ulimate pain release
body's train wreak i give you my hands

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

some times late night pain becomes too much

it is this late nite that pixilates my eyes
leaves me wondering
what the fuck am i doing and why am i doing it

don't seem to have enough words to go around lately
chest hurts tight for months now / damaged
smoking in the cold night air doesn't help
the grass is too strong / /

hands hurt wrists hurt - 2 fingers numb
still/ i keep typing/ worried i'll run out of words
there is nothing left to say

body is a series of knick knack pain here
pain this /