i already miss spring /

okay so the big mistake
coming home from my "retreat"
before i finished this most recent edit

fuck fuck fuck

i have too much stuff to do at home
the yard calls

the yard calls


the yard calls







& the manuscript starts to gather dust again

wish i could just get this bitch out of the way






ahem













####





so / i write to relax
i smoke to relax
i write to relax
i smoke more to relax





you know/ its not even getting me high anymore
i've reached the saturation point / i can't believe it happened




###


enter : the void


it's not even getting you high any more

what do you mean by that???












& i found the very question i should be asking my self





but i can't remember what it was













see / i hate the way time moves so fast
it's a theme / chasing death / watching my children
grow / up & away / from this mother nest /

this is what really makes me sad

& i wish there were no photographs to remind
me




& you know / one day i look out & i realize
the trees are full of leaves again
& elephant mountain is dry of snow
green finally reaches the peak

i think i'm in love with leaf trees
& the way sap runs like blood




oh but the soft pine of needle fresh lee grown
when i was a child / i plucked the pale green needle buds
of pine & cedar / rubbed it between my fingers & inhaled the scent
of spring forest / ah freshest smell of all


& i think of late autumn when needles fall brown
thick & slippery on the forest floor / how it glows orange
against the ancient moss growing there


but that is a long way away / now turn
toward summer / spring fades in to rapid growth
in the garden


this weeks highlights / /

i love flowers /


palest yellow iris

lavendar coloured creeping phlox
draped this way & that way

& columbine / with the fairest frill of all




& the garden bursts over over
each flower a date on the calendar

remember me / i bloom the second week of may
miss me ? well come back next year / i'll be here again
& i wait / i already miss the lilacs







/

a few god damn notes

okay some things i've realized about my script



i have to let go of it / there are parts of it that are based on
nothing but my emotional attachment


maybe there are homes for those pieces some where in the script
but chances are / there is no place at all / / / those bits based on poems
belong somewhere else / maybe they are part of another book / who knows













attachment is for children with teddy bears

twisting in to you

/





i cannot begin to find the words on this night

total exhaustion of a body not worked /


words that can not be spoken
only thot /

& i can not be a telephone call
& i can only be the laughter that i hear
along a wire /

to day i did nothing /saw nothing / i climbed in side
a play i did not wish be in side of / / a faulty story





because there has to be a theme

there has to be a story /

each scene needs to have a reason / needs to build to
complete the story / / / i'm am lost / what once made perfect sense
now ceases to interest me



sudden lee / every thing is boring / i am caught between
blue sky & shallow mountains / i am not a warrior
not even a crusader /






///


& where did you go / when you grew too large for my arms













& i burn a single candle / tea light
it wimpers / night is here / & i can not burn
bright enough to light your sleep





& i am folding in to knots / an obscurity of mind
heart / some where between the breast bone & hip
i lost sense of time / of season / & on saturday every one
mows their lawn / & the scent of new mown lawn explains
all the secrets of the universe / why men for get who they
are as their black beards tumble down to their knees /&
the street becomes a kind of sickness


wonder ment / for get ment / & i was sent
down there once / to the place where men line up
for tiny pills / & slow lee remember who they are
& how i sketched a picture of you smoking cigarettes

telling me / i have it all figured out now



did you?




coffee with too much sugar / 12 steps to enlightenment





see / it's the way you kiss me / i crave

it's the way you twist / your body
in to mine /













this is me / ticking / ticking














?

& another car hums over the bridge

& so

i flee from home in my broken / did i say
struggling / mini van
down the highway / 25 minutes away from my bed


i've come to try & get some work done
read poetry submissions for horsefly
& try & revisit my play

i have to try & remember how excited about it
i once was / / i know there is a good play lurking
in there some where / but to flesh it out yet again
& again / i don't know how many revisions i've done
but it's been a lot / oiy vay















so i return to the simplicity of blue sky
high long sun / yes solstice is near

& i wonder what it would be like to live
near the equator where the sun give equal hours
equal warmth with every turn of the earth















each day there are less & less words
a head that can't remember




####


sun sets on another day / another valley
quick / may fades with the bloom of lilac


dusk is when i miss you most
dusk is when i miss you most
dusk is when



my eyes heavy & i realize
i miss you most








####


& then it was midnight again
& then one am /
i stared @ my reflection in the window
blue from the light of this screen

& then
i wondered who i was / & i noticed the stringiness
of my neck / thinness of jaw bone

i lit another joint /

so this is what running away from home feels like


i am addicted to midnight & cigarettes &
searching for something i can't have


elusive heart


& i realize i can't write a poem to save my life


you know / & i'm wondering what i'm up too again /
& what is this that
motivates me to be me

/ this is my soul journey?






no / it's not meant to have much meaning
any meaning @ all / it's like trying to explain
why spring moves so fast / & how the garden rushes green
full fold / truest green of all / explain that to me would you

it's like trying to understand the urgency of age / how time
never ends / but life does / & there is much work to be done

my children say i speak the broken english of my father

i say "my father never had an accent"

my hands become his /
& my burden of health is my mother's
is her mother's / generational you say


margaret hornby writes this poem for me:


Jennifer reminds me of seal\ smooth and shiny black
Swimming in an aquarium\ exposed\ no exposing \ safe among flowers
Growing, pulling couch grass
Caring for a garden\ children\ see how still\ for those moments \ away from
a bleak and windswept landscape\ not longing to escape
to swim\swim in the ocean
breathes in a gulp of air
Gazes up at a sky so blue
Catches her breath
Never stops, no regrets \takes a deep plunge into a flower that shines
the brightest fluorescent blue fish\ and carousels
Eyes half open while she
Leans into\ holds \ oh so tenderly a black microphone,
caresses it like a lover
Like a poet.








#####




& then some how every thing is better

there is love in this world / in the fine
moment between dusk & dawn / when heart
moves just a bit faster / & each breath comes with a sigh













this is when my back hurts / insomnia of the worst sort sets in
& eyes begin a slow burn / / i can't remember what you look like any more

only what you tasted like / & how you consumed me / dammed my soul to
your hell / why not / i was surrounded by the dead / still am / walk with me

& the green grass in the grave yard reminds me of you / lifesize angels of marble
they mourn you too / oh the dead / oh the forgotten













& just what is a ten penny girl / a cheap date?
or worse










& the clock ticks 2 am




smoke another night cap / stare @ the stars for a while
listen to the sounds of traffic coming up from the highway
i love the night for it's silence / how sounds travel up & across
the valley / over the crest of kootenay lake / along the bone of my hand





remember watching tv @ 5 am with the volume turned down to nothing
cocaine make ears sensitive / paranoid / night doesn't do that t ome anymore
it's still fear of what can't be seen / what can only be imagined / it's in the faces
i see every where i look / trees @ night / snowbanks in winter / eyes / it's all about
the eyes / & how energy travels from one place to another / it's the sound of the
night bird / calling false away from the nest /
these are the things



which frighten me / things i can't remember /









& my grandmother had crooked little hands / bent from arthritis


she took them to her death / now her ashes sit in the closet of my uncle's house













& what do your ashes mean to you / burnt bone / grey bits

clink of glass carries on the night / a chime / spirit of life









you know who you are








////

word searches that lead to my blog / who are these people??? & why do i have so much time on my hands

GAMES TIPS TRIKS POST MORTEM (the word triks)

what does the feather in forest gump symbolize?

why do feet twitch

what are some of the suggustion of acid rain (my bad spelling - suggustion)

submitting to ploughshares

/squattersscraps.blogspot.com

blog do finch

http://www.finetuning.com/term/last-night.html (last night was the number one phrase used in blogger - i guess i use it A LOT - my blog came up first on the list)

jennifer bredl

Djuana99

kelli agodon

feet of finch

http://www.finetuning.com/term/praise-god.html (gee hope this person wasn't too disappointed)

apopolyptic poetry

jenninot photo (some one very curious about jenninot)

jenninot nude

feet and legs

teen tit's ( i though this one was a bit weird / but here's why : 666poetry-not - ms finch's blog: some days are just like that
... prolific writer in the box, you're the most pretentious. face it every body
left b/cause it couldn't be done doggy style anymore. tit's that simple. ...
666poetry-not.blogspot.com/ 2005/05/some-days-are-just-like-that.html - 16k - Cached - Similar pages)

stroke siknes (my bad spelling become apparent)

nipples transparents sexy (i guess i better stop writing about my nipples so much)

finch's ritual

punta quilla surfing



& many many more . . . .







________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________

apparently i've been using too many dirty words in my blog

as of today i've had over a thousand hits on my blog - that's in
a 2 month period / i'm sure people like ron silliman get that many a day

oh well / / any ways / thank you all you freaks that find me
& come back for more




/

fiction

/


& this time of night there isn't much to say
head pounds / eyes a burn with midnight

through window & wall / the sound of a plane
5 miles high / & i wonder what it would be like to
be on that plane (it's the red eye dear)





all i can think about is dandelions & how
after the big rain / they reminded me of wet cats



it drives me crazy how this season moves so quickly
& i'm waiting for time to pass / yet i want it to stop
for ever in this / only this moment / as the columbine move in
to full fury of bloom / deepest purples / keenest pinks /
this is what i wish to hold in my hand








alone at last


last night
i slept the deep unconscious
no dreams

nothing
i slipped into
solipsism

dark fine hour of sleep
solstice
of neither here nor there

there is no celestial body
when i'm out cold
only a solitaire soliloquy

the rest is just fiction








/

the girl who used to live in side this head

it's easy to waste hours staring @ clouds
days go by / & rain falls through sunshine

creates green that shines white





no these are not poetics / / those left
some time a go / now i just watch clouds / &
try to remind my self it's now the longest days of the year
& i'm not paying enough attention to the fact the days are longer
& can't you see how fast the grass is growing?









no / i can't see that / i'm lost between lilacs again
caught up in a storm of lily of the valley / i'm folding days
in to laundry / making time for another life to pass





so i go out side / look for another view /
some where clouds cleared / & brown puddles
wait to sink back in to / well it goes some thing like that



certainly one can see the stars now / if only to the tune
of water running off / down the mountain / / & in the back yard

moon /

always the moon




reminds me




how time / disappears like the day
sinks in to the blue mountains & i should be thinking
about these days more / longest days of the year



& i compare a late may nite with an early august nite
& where did the chill come from / & i was so certain it
warm not so long ago / & i remember


sinking in to his arms / just one more time







up stairs / he forgets i ever sunk in to / away from
him / & these children consume us / become who we are not
& i could just walk away / down the road / down the mountain
away / & i wonder what away really is / /


this place i put my mind nightly / daily / imbibing of the green
too much green / / & we find things to keep us busy / entertained
some thing to make the days / go by / just a little faster















it was the curl of lip
it was the sound of dogs barking
it was the black blue of an 11:14 sky


it was the cold chill across my back
up my legs / it was spring /


see / i'm trying to remember why i did the things i do

& i see my lesson in my daughter's face / her disappointment
in realizing the father i chose for her will only ever love the child
he fathered /









& i wonder where love goes /
why life takes this path
& i keep thinking about
walking down the mountain








& soon summer / wait for hot nights
so few in this northern hemisphere
wait for northern lights / when
the sky play tricks & pulls the universe in
how i love these black mountains / deep valley






this is where water runs for ever / eternal lakes
ancient creeks / rivers that run time less
this is frozen ice / glaciers & killer avalanches
winter in the high country / water old as mother her self




but / it's the ocean that scares me

mighty wave / oh pull of the moon















& the point of all this being

there really is no point





& i start running lines through my head
from a person i used to be
some one i had for gotten about


the girl i used to be














/

like it means any thing

always so hard to find words on these nites

mostly i'm tired / to day / sick / sore throat
chills / bah







of course i'm my own worst enemy / traitor of body
fool of mind
bring this sickness upon my self / lack of control



& may slips away again / gone / the month is almost gone
thick of green slips in / this way / that / way
some trees wait to burst still / korean dogwood &
the chinese chestnut / last to green / always last to green

grass has no fear / as long as the rain falls from the sky
as long as the sprinkler damps the ground / for grass is sneaky
bold / over powers the rest of the garden

& skin creeps / terminal itch / / what have they dropped from the skies
& some days i really wonder if chem trails are really modern myth
& what have i got to be so afraid of // & i draw my nails across my skin
some more / pull pull / scratch until the skin reddens breaks bleeds
stop the burn / pull pull / /








i can not think because of the rain &
how the damn clouds
wrap them selves around the mountains /

some how all the grey makes green brighten
eyes open wider wider / & oh / the colour
flowers / true bastards / & where is your father

move forward little one / & yes rain paints
a lovely shade of spring across the garden

breathe it in as if it were the last time
only time / remember what this moment tastes like
as lilac drapes true purple across your breath /





i remember another spring much like this one
& i remember another spring much like this one
& i remember i remember


columbines are fairy flowers / something to be revered
& suddenly
the word means death / & what a fucked up world




so i trace a circle back in to the garden / move rocks
in to spirals / light another cigarette / light another cigarette

so i trace the garden back in to the circle / follow the path
round to the back of the garden / & it seems to me i remember
your back staring at me / did you see my face / & some where the
grass grew up up /



legs become twist panic / twitch a hum with
can't stop this strange sensation / moves the legs
moves the legs / / oh god my fucking legs wont' stop



& you know / it goes some thing like that / nothing a little
stretch wouldn't cure / -----







it'll go on for a life time like that / one day it's one thing
the next day colombine is blooming like you've never seen it before
all purple & some are yellow & pink & some are frilled & some are blue
& yellow & red ////// & they grow / like mother intended / she's good
to things that want to grow / she knows / a little love / a bit of attention














& so the day always ends some thing like this


me





wrapped in side my head / constant lee / a thot runs down down
& i think / / i might not be afraid any more / / catch phrase /











/ / /

what steve jones is up to these days

omg / so hard to load this pic 



so - i'm putting on a gig - it's been ages
all the people on the poster are talented
amazing actors / performance artists

the main reason i'm putting this show on is
to support the living room theatre which opened
in february /




.

only words

there is a complete in ability to concentrate




lost in a cloud of - - - for ever


& spring rain falls / as it does / from
grey sky to earth / green green / the whole
world shouts / /

& i for get who i am again / lost in thoughts of
gardening / puller of grass / green green



certainly it is my favourite colour / my favourite month
garden grows brisk now


& i'm thinking about seed packs / & sun flowers / sun towers
& still so much to do / more grass to pull











rain drives me in to some kind of trance / the one where
i can smell the earth / musty dirt / smell of wet
but it's the lilacs which drive me crazy / scent of lust
so profound / pronounced / & i will walk with you in the rain

yes rain rain i said / i will walk with you in the rain


& so i goes like this / my arms itch again & some one says
may be it's some thing they are putting on the golf greens
green green / & i itch a bit more @ the thot of being allergic














people i hate / she writes / teen angst
& i can't think of any one i hate / maybe strong dislike
but even then / i tend to avoid people that are hard to deal with
i've lost my taste for confrontation / / don't be mad @ me &
i wont' be mad @ you









there are no words on this nite




.

some days are just like that

death crosses the mind / thot of
youth & age / remember the beauty of 23

our bodies / long slender / we were willow then
bending this way / that away / against storms of
heroin & alcohol / / we threw our selves against
each other / /

i'm afraid to show you my body now
i hide mostly under layers / always have

age sets in / / slender still / but my skin
thins / bulges / just a bit here / there / moles
& freckles // i've grown thick through the thighs
& ass this winter / needed weight gain

my sexy bits are torn from the ravages of child birth
i've seen a few stitches
& my nipples are thick from suckling 6 small mouths /

but i still feel like i always do

the same
not bad this older body / /


i've decided
youth is simply / a passing fancy of the old
& we wonder where it got to / i remember 20
like it was yesterday /
certainly it must have been

these days my children own
my body of youth /



/



& see i'm thinking about you laying in the hospital
you of the misspent youth / you of the wild boys / /
& it's so fucking frustrating trying to live when your
body keeps wanting to check out / / you remember the beauty
of youth / don't you





& so i dig deeper into the garden / pulling always
pulling small things that grow over night / trying
to grab a root / some thing to hang on to /

this spot of earth is mine / i'm going to grow here







& so there is a nervous tension / anticipation moves through
walks through the base of my brain / across the path way / going
some where / / / /


but where



see / i was lost in the garden again / or perhaps
it was that the garden was lost in me / ah / spring
shows up in my life again / i thot you were lost

& what else could i say / / & you said / i've missed you
too / / so cold on that side of sun / yes

so cold on that side of the sun / /

& for a moment i thot / this is all a conversation in side of my head
i can't actually be talking to spring / or may be it's the other way around
(ever thing has 2 sides)
spring can't actually be talking to me

i felt moisture between my legs / dew
lush of green filled my eyes / scent of
flowers coated my skin / / my hands / black with dirt






Ø

lush / i said / mountains green up again

pins / small sharp itchy pins
all over my skin / / allergy

but to what

it seems to come @ the strangest times
mostly @ night


(it's enough to drive me crazy)


& i sit out side in the almost warm of may

the sky / clear / bright stars / a million of them

& the 7 chakra chimes ring pleasant / fill the night air

(cant stop scratching)





& so the season / long awaited / moves too fast

as i wait

for

some thing


(the skin is a terrible place to be)






& i wait

for

you

&

some thing to happen




these days the house crumbles
meals are late / laundry piles up

you see

the garden calls / & i am lost pulling grass
slicing heads off of dandelions with my shovel
hands are now / permanent dirt / /

a few new flowers to be planted / but mostly
it's gardens to be dug / grass / oh mighty grass
you spawn your root deep & long / /

you see

a weed is any thing there is too much of
& there's a lot of that going on

i pull in awe of weeds / roots designed for survival

(hands begin to itch again)


what is it?

what is this that drives / drives / drives
takes me down this / up this / oh my head
spins in circles again / / / i garden to stop
the thots / twist of belly /


& i wonder where love goes / & where's it's been
& how my body carries a sick ness of mind

(it cant be stopped)


may / / ah lush / / what is this green you parade
in front of my eyes / / a stage come to life with colour
drama / yes / every time i see you / you change / different
some how you are different / / & i couldn't stop thinking about you
the draw of your hand along my waist / /

some where / wind blew over us / pushed my back against cool grass


yes / finally it was spring again / like never
before / vague @ best / words got lost between the scent of lilacs
& lily of the valley / i could smell sweet nite air / my chest swelled

not to be for got ten / confused with a point of youth
i'm sure was near dry summer / blue of lake water // no

more like a flutter / an awakening / when i turn in side out
with each breath of air / & i struggle to be in this moment














& i'm learning about moss / how it creeps in when the hard
winter for gets / it gets away / & there is a carpet the tulips
have pushed through / & i for get the colours now / for the north
side always waits to bloom / & i fill a wheel barrow / & where
does one start / @ one end / work your way along / one garden bed
@ a time / / & it's good to see what pokes through the ground / still
cold with winter / but all things in the garden persist / the will
to exist / strong


flowers are faith full to season / to colour & shape
they are happy to be / not to question





& so each passing day brings a familiar friend
a puff of purple creeping phlox / the shy appearance of
lily of the valley / so small & green to start
each flower slowly turns white up the stem / i once picked
a bouquet from my father's garden & took them on a plane
to my lover 500 miles away / / /




(skin still crawls)














& the song of frogs fills my ears /
there must be a million of them on the golf course
what do they call for /

a late nite lover perhaps

& he walks through the door / drunken
straight to her arms / he walks / tells her
tells her / / what ? wtf / what does he tell her +++

i've waited all my life for you
i can't get you out of my mind
i want to make love to you


(its @ this point i gather up my lap top & go in side -
the arrival of a skunk hastened the journey)



kitchen table / for some reason / i don't want to
be in my office / perhaps it's too messy / a reminder
of too many things to be attended to / like / my life









& see / i'm seeing shadows again / grim
reminder of gideon / / / & suddenly or may be
slowly / black moon creeps up again / & the crazy
knot forms / brain blackened of reason / & a need to
escape / & see / i'm the same size as you / thin
you were thinner / & it's good too see some weight on
your bones / bonny hip bone of the girl est sort

but the shadows don't bother me too much / only
some times / they make me jump / mostly it's
tunnel vision /

a need to for get / a need to remember

the cut of your thumb against my cheek
persistance of tongue / of hands / of lust
you said / do any thing you want to me













§

it goes some thing like this / always

there are never any words to start with


some times i stare @ the sky & just

think

watch stars & clouds moving up & down the valley
some times
the clouds cling to the mountains



tonite damp of earth rises up / pungent with spring
sweet / the air smells sweet / / soon lilacs will fill
the valley / ah praise be / may / fairest month of all


work the ground between my fingers / turn the soil
always turning lifting / aeration / let the roots breath

& to day 4 year old robin fills a litre yogourt container
with snails / help me mom / he points up a tree / snails
climb up / out in to the rain / antennae up / out / searching

promise mommy that when you are done playing with your snails
that you let them out in the field & not in mommy's garden

but i want to keep them mom /

flash back to last summer when he filled his pockets with snails
some how he stuffed several down his pants /

in side his trousers it was mayhem / many had not survived
crushed beyond recognition / others simply were sliding up
down his legs / yes / nothing like raising small boys

i like them mom / he also collects spiders / worms & one
large black fly / steamy plant filled jars line the back porch









Ø




§§















& so the day end always some thing like this

me



a sleeping house / heads unconscious of me
strange how people sleep / this rest of nite time
body repairs / rejuvenates / / time moves quick
this side of the clock / /


he sleeps / dressed
on the blankets rumpled in a heap

my side of the clock / his side of nite
twice removed from each other / this is how

nite ends / bottoms of my feet dead from pressure
mind that won't stop thinking


& you know -


think it does / yea it travers / places it shouldn't
those what ifs / memory serves a nasty treat / & the thot
won't stop thinking / takes on a life of it's own

consumes any other purpose of the day to day

& some time i for get / for give /


yes for give me / for i have for got



which is to say / it's all a lot of filler

for the real words / which are completely lost now





& i remember you holding my face in your hands
pressing your mouth to mine



you know / it's a matter of safety & who does what to who

boundries with out borders / & my eyes fail to see any thing
past the clouds / & the bone of your back faces me & i am quieted
by the presence of learn by heart /

((it's one of those things soul for gets to tell ))

& the quick of hip / thin fingered / open mouth
tells me you still love me / even tho we can't figure it out


let nite steal me away / burnt / for given






did you bleed for me /


always / / there is always blood






ζ

lost in the garden / / / yeah / i guess i disappeared

tuesday is the day the house keeper comes
i roll up my sleeves & join her
in 3 hours we get this massive house
fairly clean / bathrooms (4)
bedrooms (4) / offices (2)
playroom / kitchen / dining/living room
music room / boot room / all the hall ways


now massive loads of laundry wait in turn
really / it would be more practical to have
2 washers & 2 dryers / also / i'm in desperate
need of a clothes line / i don't even want to imagine
how much of the hydro bill is from drying clothes


§; ℜ

most days i'm in the garden(s) / i love flowers
& have 8 flower beds in the back yard with an extensive
collection of flowers / i'm into perennials / i'm really into
columbine & foxglove & have several varieties of both / also delphinium
is a favourite & i have quite a few of them / i have roses / irises ( many types)
jacobs ladder / black eyed susan / valerian / lupins / purple & white echinacea
& on & on it goes / daisies / phlox / creeping phlox (which is something completely
different) / pansies / heather / lavender / clematis / lily of the valley
lungwort (boy/girl flowers) / violets / primrose / cowslips (these are
very special specimen plants that i have rarly seen in other gardens
also several varieties of campanula which are bell flowers



- -- -- ---




i also have an assortment
of raised vegetable beds / i don't really grow that many vegetables
as slugs are a real problem / mostly i grow raspberries
strawberries / red currents / there are a couple of fruit trees
apple & italian plum / but they are still quite young & as of yet
bear no fruit / i will probably put in a few tomatoes / & will plant
beans & cucumbers in pots to grow up to enclose the back porch




i have a few herbs / mint /
oregano (trying to take over the back garden)
sage / chives / parsley / lemon balm /
several varieties of tyme (wooly, miniature creeping / creeping)
i planted it between the stone pavers so it would give off scent
when stepped on


i've been digging compost & mixing dirt / topping up the gardens
all the back gardens have been dug / grass is a major problem + several
other types of vigorous weeds / such as dandelions / & a whole bunch of
others that i really don't know the names of / but let me tell you
i know those suckers anywhere / & i'm gonna get them all / ha


damn / already the lawn needs to be mowed /

there is one more flower bed in the back corner (just below the 1st tee)
that needs to be dug & weeded / & then it's on to the front gardens
which have a northern exposure & is quite a bit behind compared to the
back yard which is south facing / /

the front gardens are really rock gardens / i've tried to keep the front
gardens which are very shady / as indiginous to the area as possible
these have mostly blooming perennial bushes / such as rhododendrons (sp?)
wild geranium / several varieties of ferns / several varieties of sedums
which are those fleshy little plants you see in every rock garden / some
of them are quite purple / others are green & spikey looking / there are
hostas / & a christmas rose ( which is an odd looking flower - it looks
as if it should be poisonous ) / then there are all the different
creeping plants that bloom a bright carpet of colour - red / purple / pink
white / i love these types of plants / some are dianthus also known as
pinks or carnations / there are over 300 species that include annual &
perennial plants / i many of both / / my prize carnation / however /
took a bad pruning from my father when he was visiting @ easter /
i hope it recovers / in case it doesn't tho - i bought several more
today which i've placed stratigically around the yard / i love the scent


i have a lot
of plants i don't know the names of / interesting specimen plants my
father has 'imported' from various locations to my garden / some things
he's brought from the forest / many things / it is interesting to note there are some
plants that can only be found growing in certain locations / particularly
mountain flowers / what you find in one valley may not exist in the next
valley over






+++
















enough about gardening / it's the soul i want to talk about
ever lasting / always a popular topic when searching for god



&
just when
was the last time




you see / this week end @ a party i talked to a former lover
from when i was 25 & he remembered so much more about our
2 week love in than i did / i asked him why we didn't see
each other any more if we had such a great time together

& he said


you disappeared






you disappeared

ℜ

i disappeared? & then i remember
the girl / with blond hair & glasses
(the only junkie i ever loved)


okay that's a lie / i've loved a few junkies


the line should read:

(the first junkie i ever loved / also the first real lesbian relationship)

how ever /// mostly we got high in her china town wooden heritage house
that was a hundred years old / the house had a strange energy to it / some thing
some thing / i can not put my finger my finger / i remember them smell of burnt
wax / she had these 3 foot high catholic supply shop pillar candles / which we burned
all night long until the air was thick with wax / heavy /

i loved those days




warm china town / summer nights / heroin / cocaine
pot / beer / vegetarian meals / /


you see / i thought i was pregnant with your baby /

i thought i was miscarrying on the bathroom floor

i thought blood was for ever / & love was just a passing thing






yeah / i guess i disappeared








/