blotto - the journals of steve jones -- mind less

& so this mind waves

drunk

so hard to think to remember what it is
what it was i wanted to say


was fine up until the grass . . .

then - what can one say?


not much i suppose


the year comes to an end
complete with devastation of human kind

is this some kind of message
no - i suppose not - but the message goes in & out

my house is a glow with strings of christmas lights
gay - the lights / happy / decided lee / /
warm winter darkness

i 've decided / i use too many words


it's time to get to the core of the matter


the core of this earth's matter

one million atom bombs / rocked the earth

earth quake

plates slip sliding up against under / over
a massive amount of matter moving / / did the day
really get darker? // yes / i think it did



coincidence becomes more than a thing to question

what is this reality? who do you call toward you?



hmmm / & i wonder @ the questioning /
who do i / call toward me? / who's name do i speak



good god / could question ing like that be the reason for
organized religion / the call of jesus /??

oh who knows i don't even know what i'm thinking right now
the head spins awhirl with hash joint on top of 5 tequila
didn't feel drunk until the drugs / / holy



holy



in credible the thickness of the head / the buzz / wishing to pass out
ears whistle / hands a twitch / yet some how the hands the fingers still
manage to remember the key strokes / / ah i know there's a

warm flow of blood to the brain / the whitening / can't see any more's





the trick is

don't stand up

st.ill crave a cigarette / the impulse may be too much to



resist.




& some how my reality doesn't even shrug in horror
@ all those bodies / unimaginable / even the pictures
fail to shock me / / i don't know the dead / mass death
of horrific proportions / / doesn't




i died several times in pass lives giving birth
that's why i can't have children /
that's why i love women / i care take men / /

+ i was raised catholic / / poor girl i think
no wonder you're a dyke


\ i would love you too i think
squeezing her thin body in a hug /


2 21 am







steve jones is signing off / she can't get a crowd any more
her beauty fails in the face of humour / / lol

he says

the earth shifted



i run in to jason rose out side the bar
he is well dressed / always in black
avant punk poet

beautiful blond & crazy / the only poet
i've ever met who was dragged out of a
poetry reading by the city police . . .
because he wouldn't stop reading

step away from the mic

i say / did you have a good holiday
i did / i'm still standing after all this
weakened tho / i feel weak / & he smiles
thin / crooked / odd smile
& i nod
& he nods


& the snow falls big wet flakes
& darlene comes out of the bar
& we begin to walk / jason walks with us
down baker st / snow snow black sky
/ / there are no
cars on this night / /

i say

did you hear the earth rocked on it's axis from this
earth quake / & he says yes / appearantly it
changed the amount of day light / /

i stop.
more or less
i demand
are the days longer or shorter / / shorter he says
the day is shorter

/ more darkness
oh i knew it / i knew these days were too bloody dark
darlene & i turn to walk up stanley st.
jason walks straight across baker st.
/ travel safe / be well / each walk their own way

& the snow falls / silent / patient / fills nooks & cranies

after 6 blocks we call a cab / up the mountain / we need
a ride up the hill / / covered my fur hat is covered
in a mound of snow / have you
been walking asks the cabbie / yeah / walking




some how it feels as if / the fucking earth / the earth
damn it

it's moved / some thing is not right / only fractions they
say / the earth may have speed ed up by 2 nanoseconds
but's it's hard to say / it's a lot of mass going in on it's self
like a figure skater pulling in her arms to spin faster


mein gott / / & she meets a man on ketamine tonight
i should n't be in here / in this bar he says/ i'm high on
K / / i'm hallucinating / / i'm going home to do a nother line

not this bird

she ain't doing no more lines /

they say

yes, so you see i'm back to that
controlling bitch i used to be

". . . said the shaking was so powerful it even disturbed the Earth's rotation."



no that's a lie / a darn down / right lie
a blue fib / a short tail /



you see, this body is broken / st.ill
it waits in tanges of short breathed spazms

it waits to see to feel to be
see what happens / / can all this

waves arms around in the air

can all this be fixed / / ?

her hair suddenly stands up
halo of / a band 18 inches around her head

red light / electrocution of eloquation
some where the words slip out making
perfect sense / not here / not now

colon. yes i have one - it hurts today
i wish for a new/ah / well then/
just sit on the edge of your seat
soon one will be on it's way



we found several thousands in the water / wet
against the sand / they were
teaming / hair float ing wet / think about all that
wet hair / /

wish i could describe the light as it
bounces pink & grey off the cloud
settled in the valley below / straight
in front of me / winter cloud / cloud
that has / oh if only i could remember

some things come to an end
some things don't

brain falters once again
words spurt out / of little consequence
or under stand ing / chest heavy with
oh it's too ominous to say / / some things
just hurt / some times it's hard to breathe



& hope the sikness has not come to her house
stomach ache flu / every one seems to have it
belly hard / turns over & over / not sure what to do
with this angry belly / curl up in to a ball & wait for
it to move thru / ah stomach sikness / plight of
the masses / the poor / the tidal waved

Ø


so often the things that can not be seen
hurt the most / / kill

they say:


the earth rocked on her axis from this earthquake
& her after shocks have left us 'vibrating'
a jolt right thru me / you / did you feel the earth shake

did you know it was happening?

no i suppose not / not until a few hours later
when the wave (s) hit the shore wash ing you
& every thing else along with it's magnificant power
the power of a million atomic bombs
that's one hell of a wave

hang on hang on that's all you could think
before you went under the shell of blue

~*~oh that indian ocean such lovely blue water~*~




the fish the fish / can you imagine all the fish
rushing past your head / touching your face
skimming along your back / i'm swimming with a school
of fish / such beautiful blue eyed / yellow with stripes
certain lee those fish / flip flip flip / bodies shiny glint
of
not sure what to do / / fins a rapid motion

of

swim with the wave



in in in rush of ocean / rooms filled with water
up up up to the ceil ing /
if you can only hold your breath it will be ok / / /




so they don't / just give in to the shock of drowning
as the wave / oh that wave / it just pulls you / back to
the sea /// out in to the water / gone to see







i said:

just swim with the wave







& the tension drops about 50 degrees of nothing
some how the chest doesn't hurt so much now
belly st.ill

well you know / these winter flues / how they take
a body down / hard sweat / last weeks chills /
muscles that ache / vomit / the shits

& pale / oh fcuk you are fad ing / so pale
white actually / & is that death you are wear ing so
well on this late december nite / / remember:




a hunger perhaps / / of / a thirst
may be / yes i think it was thirst / one that
could not be filled / with mere words or gestures


a thirst for / a lake of water / ice blue
always fall in to the water / / head under
winter has come again / face face to the sun


oh that mother earth / she's one mean bitch
you want death she says / i'll give you death
an enormous disturbance

for mass consumption // the bodies pile up
so easy to call them that / i could be be a body too
laying arms & legs askew que / bent / bloated /
heat creates a quick rot / stench of dis ease
did you realize your body was a vehicle
of pestilence

ah in death
i am nothing / /

tell me

when did you know it was
time to come out
of the water /
time for your soul
to leave

tell me

when did your spirit rise †

blah blah blah

and so the daze after
the holidaze sets in


oh my floating mine d

dreams have no place in the reality
i can not think of any thing to say

except it's getting cold out again
temperature falls to freezing




dull light fails to impress / undress
& the shake sets in

she smokes another number / and forgets to
count in the days until

new years - - can't bear to feel this way
for an other moment / the 2 day coma / if you
stick a comma in co,mas it be co,mes



of course that makes no sense just a bit of word play really








& you tell me when i should put in italisis



she can not re member one con versation // one state ment
one wise thing / life stands st.ill right here / can not go
for ward with out moving

not the words of a poet
not the words of nature
not the words of reason



makes non sense


wish to sleep for an other 24 hours





kootenay culture


i am 4th generation nelsonite. our family history goes back to the turn of the last century when my great grand father and his brother who were metallurgists who originally came from england. they married two sisters


it's an odd feeling when the earth moves into the winter spring quarter
6 days into the new solstace

the earth begs for a thaw already


on the other side of the fence / the sun shines bright
pretending to be heaven / / ah the light come to the light



but there are no words for the light

no meaning

& the words lose all mean ing

fine fine
carry on
every thing is
fine fine



eyes pinned from the morphine
kills the


yes we know what it is - name thee: PAIN
yes we know what it is - mane thee: Can sir


god damn it

& the body breaks again - -

stupid / sad / post / for a very ill friend

i am touching the floor of insanity

you are turning white again

blending in with snow banks


& i am in grief / a preconceived notion

last spot devotion

ah & these words look odd again to me



she says / no it wasn't a stroke

it's brain cancer / / he's getting confused

body an explosion of muscles gone astray




he couldn't remember what he was talking about


@ all.







& this bird thinks / / i'm the symptoms

brain refuses to remember any more









you are so brave my friend
just deny death / / you been there before
all most crossed over / / some thing held you back
i'd like to think it's because we needed to be friends

i missed all the rest of your life / /

eyes a burn / a twitch of / oh for get about your pain
turn your self inside out a again / just be

perhaps it's only tired ness

i'd say / you think you're missing a party some where






oh what a way to end the year / ill ness / death
terminal terminalism

& yet i'd have to say
i've never felt closer to death than i do right now
some thing about getting older / body brake down
failure to for get / how organic we really are

cancer reminds me of mildew in the garden
leaf rot / / it spreads / yellows / covers the leaves
in brown / black spots / spreads like chicken pocks in a grade
one class / / that what the cancer cells do / they go travelling



hard living is just that
hard living is just that
hard living is just that

you live hard / the body prays / pays
eventually hard living will kill you
eventually hard living liquor swilling
drugs / ah the debachery / hard to give up
eventually hard living will kil you




& peanut butter honey sandwiches are good
i know i just ate one & it was very sticky
finger licking sticky

and now black beans & beef with cheese & sour cream
& salsa with a few capers for the slight lee diesle taste





naturalpath say: eat protein before bed
that will stop you from waking up




stop me from being to fuking crazy

lost lucid lee / the mouth never stops moving


nothing of interest comes out of there

just a repeat repeat / /





of - hard to control the pressure of all these keys

that makes no sense at all / one more cigarette to think
& come through
here graciously




mean while the turkey thaws in the fridge
ulitily bird / so sure there will be a wing missing




there is nothing to be transcended from this view point



i will never get there /

bleed nightly

& so 2 am arrives again

this is the official roll ing
to the other side of the clock

if i know you / you will be up now
searching for light in the early morning
it will be hours before any light bursts through
the cloud cover

i wonder what the ocean looks like
on this december morning / i'm sure the wind

blows in a mighty tide / oh those waves
crashing

because that's what waves do on the mighty atlantic
black black water / cold / ice filled
ocean of death


think of me when you brush your teeth
think of me when you finger my locket of hair




you are an eternity of shadows & ghosts
cutting in to the corners of my eyes

you are the salt on my lip
pearls in my hair





but i did not ask to be possessed by your god of
too many esses - - i did not ask to be mary



head begins to cross again †

i did not ask to be saved


i did not ask for resurrection



on my chin a red nebulous growth
another zit

middle age acne / / call it stress
call it chronic pms / / i hate my face
as my age bursts for ward
revealing in lines & pocks / how harsh this journey
how little i've care for

this temple / oh my body / dwelling of my soul

8 inch rule on all mirrors / any closer & i could be there
for hours / trying to resurrect a few black heads / some dry skin



clock tics 221 am - that is late / it is early

this time next week our xmas party will be rocking





i hope i make it through the celebrations
with out a headache or stomach problems
or the sharp stabbing chest pains i carry
around with me so often

i realize i live in this internal world
always looking out / but now being in

it's all in my head




obsessive compulsive
i grow jealous of jack & jenni
i bemoan to her on the phone
the other night 0 i wish i had a poet
who loved me / who wrote poems for me
told the world i was the lite of his life



no / / the man i love / / the man who gives me all this
i can't even let him read my poetry

i'm most afraid of what he will say / / can't take the critism
_+ i think there is so much raw me in my words / he would leave
how can i tell him of other love






how can i tell him to be kinder
savour these moments / / i walk around with a lone
sad tired face / brow furreled - as if i'm trying to think
it's a joke really / i reall y think i bring him down cause
i'm so sad and broken and tired and low functioning



so we smoke a lot of dope all day every day
so we only sleep to gether a few hours a night

upstairs those baby's roll & breath and bang bang the walls
this knees and heads 0 it must be heads / /


the crash of a bottle dropping to the floor


all this is old news/ all this is just every day
every night all this is what talks me aways from all this
which i can not get done / i can bearly read the words any more
my hands slow lee for get the keystokes




fabulouse is how i wish to be
but my hair is too long and scruffy
lotso knotso - - it's long and beautfil
red - but it must go sometime it must
part from me



enough about hair
enough about me


you - its' you i want to talk about

if you would only hold my hands & let me whisper
i'm dying / may be you would soften

may be you could remembe that some where some time
there was lust , excitement . you stripping off my clothes
now i can bearly touch you / i am afraid of the pain
of your entry in to my body - now you see

this night has gone too long
& i've said nothing even redeminglee poetic


these days i feel more like a women who's body is failing
the pain becomes to much / / but i can't quite cry about it yet
i carry a worry / / the what ifs / / & i love to see my children grow up


i love to run away to the arms of the my lover / who only drink & curse me
and made me cry / & yet that is not enough / /





there is a death to be explored main lee mind
it ends on a strangulation


i know the beginning & sume of the middle
fear/excitment





but i know he would never do that ; kill me
for i have children small chilren / / & if he killed me
then he would have to kill other s

& then i would have pychomaniac on my blood

i pray he kills no one

i pray he prays to the right god - the one
who tells him it is a sin to kill for pleasure
it is the only crime he dreams of




what is this obsession i bleed nightly

when my brain disolves

a day time right

because

the house
is st.ill
a mess

because i've turned into virgina & ms plath
& every other depressed / pained / poet shuttered up
in side my for get full brain /
contusion of confusion


this is me
& this is

the pain
is in my body

but how could i for get that ?

this hand ages / swollen red
pulses like my / brain on a head ache day


i can total lee un der stand
why some one - any one / would want to kill the pain


not me tho
i'm afraid of dying / st.ill



the body shall take it's own life
eventually


& my mouth always hungers for
starch / need to / want to / have to have
sugar


thick ness creep across the frontal lobe

what is this lobe / these thots / the ring ing

the RING ING in my ears

constant buzz of

it's never quiet / / broken ears to add to
broken body / a stomach that never / quite /
sits right

a torture of tired / / wish to spring up

get with it / act lively / / best foot for ward

never happens / / the day lee ritual of live ing

in cludes 3 pills @ bed time / / one oval / / two round

blue / pale bright blue / prescription blue

this head doesn't stop throbbbbbbb ing





what explains a life


& will i ever be free





ah yes un great full / be grate ful / try it
like it /



this "holiday" season / is depressing @ best
i feel angry that i'm expected to buy buy
many expensive things - - this expectation comes from the children
but it's the stores / the god damn fuking stores / corporate bull shit


i'm a fucking consumer & i don't like it one little bit

so there










my sin my rou / /

twist time / lost

yes anger has a certain

can't remember / must have been

when i was brilliant

now brain / slips slow lee away

thots are blank ---




a certain aesthetic / your anger has

left me / flat / /

can't even bear to look straight on

& in to your eyes / / i'm certain i must

be lying right about now / in this instant

you lay across clean sheets / fresh pillow cases


& wait


but i never come / i never show up /

i've lost time / again

when it snows

late nite
snow melts
it's been snowing for 6 days
the ground is gone


we watch the grader come up the street
widen the road / banks are 4 feet high
snow weighs a tonne





this is winter

concerto in d major

i wonder where you are tonight


sleep ing in some junkie drag down flat
lost in toronto
are you st.ill alive

it's been over 2 years since i heard from you
can't find your family any more / every one
disappeared / gone / like you

i tuck our child in to bed / he is six now
he knows
some thing is different about him

different from the other children who fell
from my body


who's your daddy child / /








i take pills now / again
to knock me out / try to sleep

that nite lee
wake wake wake

pain. the key word


body shuts down mind
refuses to think

& all this snow
makes the funniest shadows / odd like

not static / moves constant changes
cycle back to water


so if all this condensation / this moisture
winter white / does water / cloud be come
sparse some where else / drought - -
i mean / if we have all this snow
all this snow / is some one dying of thirst
some where else in the world / / /
more late night stupid questions

kinda like "where does the sun go when it sets"

um, it puts on it's pajamas & goes to bed






i guess.





you see / i'm losing time again
it's the can't remembers / very spacy
is prolly how my kids would describe me


i for get every thing they tell me
i wish i could be a better mother / more there
in a mental / help ful way / / may be some how
it's preparation for when i'm not here @ all



see it's impossible to for get the things that change
a person / love is one of those things / anger too



i'm scared of guns / the possiblity / the finality
of 2 shots to the head / bang bang through the heart
yer dead.

yet scott says:
i think of it as a hammer / a tool? i reply / he tells me
how many guns a cop has / i'm shocked / slightly turned
on by the danger of it / & frightened for him / not sure
why / perhaps i'm looking for clues too
we change the subject to poetry &
our children




each day
eats me
a bit more
takes big black bites
out of my proverbial soul
ah but what is soul
certainly not me
i'm the big black bites
slow lee eat ing my self
i have be come
the day / lost nites / the bear er of cliche'

for this i am sad / / so i read about poets
dead ones / because i don't relate to the living ones
how sad ness & trauma ruled / out rage ous
behavior / often destitute / & i wonder why
i didn't write more than graffitti when i was young
imagine being emersed in punk & drunks & drugs
& not getting it down / i can hard lee remember any more
the names have all slipped from my mind





where is dark man
why has he for saken me

three november nites - verismo in b flat -

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this moon stays large for a very long time


long enough to cool the earth / frost heaves

all things dead in the garden / crunch under boot

snow is odd this year - it comes & goes /
sun fell behind the mountain @ 11:57 am
the day now a shadow of the mountain
cold blue


morality - - good vs evil
with in - - -


the story

voices get louder / more & more in the way
of logic reason / / illogic thot








hands go red / white / oh so cold


dull ache of lung / from smoking out side

this cold cuts through clothing straight to skin
ice i tell you it's ice
time to cover all bare patches / you got a hat
you should really wear a hat / /


you see / i've been wear ing 2 layers for 2 months
already / i ain't no fool / cold is fucking cold
i know that ///

two november nites - pianissimo - in o's

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
edit.



end of november shows up
cold blue bitter

& it falls / worried
dry snow / a million million flakes
of frozen time /

this earth never stops spinning

stop / stopped - stepped down –

i wish to dis em bark now / this ride's too fast for me

street light wears a white orange
halo / eyes burn a glow ------ is this a sign? †

every thing holy crosses
along the centre of my gravity
the bit between ribs & hips

wear this cold autumn sash low
to cover the scars / / words burn holes
in my - in my - in my . . . i for get now

talk about perpetual motion
& honest tea / shot of scotch
to loosen the sole /
found on the bottom
of a broken shoe / /

/ stik.stik.stik
how the lino floor sounds in the kitchen /


*daisies in my eyes
yellow centres / white petals
i'm blinded by flowers *

just a moment while i turn my back
rip me to pieces / you can

turn the piano book upside down
& follow notes a cross (holy † trinity)
the page / clef be comes treble clef
strange lee / notation be comes
a beautiful

sound - yes / skips in to my nose / down the back of my throat /
not to be / to be / salt / but i do not / care /
b flat is the note of my soul

accelerando in a sharp #

the bath room is warmed
by the constant glow
of a electric heater


some times i use your tooth paste
in the dark i hold my toothbrush
to the light of the window

a gob of silhuette / i place it on the brush

some times i can hard lee see

every thing is so seperate / we each have our
assigned shelves & drawers / my side of the bed
your side of the room / i hoard my new pillow

funny how seperation creates two people
who hard lee know who the other one is

a hard line of cliche' / that's what it is

i can't stand your anger / twisted sensibilies
cut with words / hidden knife bleeds me more than you
can ever / will ever / know






& so snow falls / small dry flakes
road way becomes virginal / bright passage
just for this moment / this one bit / hand shake of time
consider how the earth seems to take every thing back
even if it's only for this moment
nothing profound
only late nite


brain becomes an increasing


brain is a series of


quiet / / thots are circular / / with no meaning


you see / there is all ways this internal battle
i name thee psychomachea

the conflict / a conflict
virtue & vice


perhaps intuition is not enough

how does one know how to die / when does the spirit

bah /


it becomes a bore / / there is no original thot left
for this writer / / words not to be seen / meant to be read

ah the nite casts so much doubt


twice the beads appear to the side of the key board
she wonders why they keep appearing there
ususally they sit on the edge of the book shelf

these things make her wonder her own sanity
so sure i put them up once / but how did the beads get there
to begin with / / hemp string with 8 tiny beads rust & blue
2 thousand year old chinese beads made by some ones long turned
bone dust hands / / there is a piece of amber on the string as well
& 2 larger beads / one yellow / the other an oval opague / these two
came from indian burial grounds / trading beads brought by the europeans

& i wonder if they are try ing to tell me something
a majik spell / an omen / / an idea / / how do i move this energy for ward


how do move from crap / / bad energy / / i wish to be free of being

hate these blur of days / fingers slow lee for get where the keys are
all things slow / / become / / a votex of yesterdays & last weeks
& some times i think the only way i can hold on to the word is to write
every thing around me / / keeping track of / this life & nothings


i fail to see how this pushes me
along / what is the purpose of the writer
can the writer say any thing which hasn't been said before?



time for the sleepy pill to kick in

something nothing

you know
my chest hurts / a burn in the side of my
lung / weak muscle

down stairs / bom bom bom / rock guitars
what a stereo / / & i know you love me
just don't know how / you with rose coloured glasses
see nothing / you don't know me / / elusive touch

push me away / & i always loved you /
jealous / i was / ivy
this is how i take you / / this is how
i travel my road / what is this thing
that's come to pass

let me roll it - (heart)

respect is not an option
you either give or you
take

i wish




these words refuse to fall /
there is only an image of eyes
blue eyes / intense / as





what is this longing?

the distance makes her wonder about

blue white capping water

dark blue / deep / mystery
cold the water is cold



to day she puts on a red hat
she thinks ' my husband hates me
no - he's un happy -

& she looks at her hands
sore hands / pain shifts to the knee
side of the leg / numbness of the heart
mind / it's okay / if one memory / say perhaps
of a kiss or a touch / makes you happy / well then

no - she dies from longing / heart simply stops

all the other pain creeps up / dumbs down dull
does this end


they talk about death
you talk about death
i talk about death

dying is for the brave / the holy
i am not prepared to take that step @ this time

hold on / hold on to that which is greater

so she does




fortitude / build a wall / defend the pain




read these words
read these words


over & you you read my words & remember
that maybe just maybe

i love you after all / mean words / callous come
back /

after all a dream is just that
a dream is just / only / she can't remember the words
seems there was an image / a few lines to a poem

kisses / a million miles of / hold me
tongue darts from the side of the mouth




& yet truth seeps in late night twists & turns
shallow sleep
dark mare / dreams of

white dress moving in the wind / buttons
a row of eyelet / stitch of time / /



this is the white dress of mary
this is the mother , the father
the holy host / virgin ghost

epic story / intensity of lost spirits

when a body dies / it searches for

what what ' what am i searching for
i can't seem to find it / this thing
i've lost / misplaced /

when i misplaced my self / i was fucked

you need to find your self / love your self

no / i hate this body / this is not mine

i give you my self / / placed my heart
a wheel heart is like / mccartney

i can't tell you how i feel
my heart is like a wheel
let me roll it
let me roll it to you

bolts of nothing

i tried to imagine what it would be like
to stand facing you

beard against white skin
try to remember the smell of you
the taste of your spit
your tongue licking the side of my mouth


i physically ache / pain becomes too much
chest hurts for you

want is another word for need
to have / i want you

yet it is an impossible situation
the more i can't the more i want / need

feed on this sadness / days become daze
night becomes more than dark ness

so sparkles sunshine

& so the sparkle of sunshine leaves
for a cover a snow / flat grey lite

where has this day gone / so dark now
for a moment sun smashes through the clouds
divine diamonds sprinkled across the mountains

but it only lasts for a moment / grey mist
snow laden / heavy sky sets in again
sun falls behind the tree line


how long until the dark days move toward next year
can you tell me please

thought the window / a painting
cedars dressed in hunter green / this is forest
wild cherry sheds it's last yellow leaves
so bright against
sky pale blue / & mountains iced with early winter
flat blue periwinkle almost


this head is too heavy
divinity elusive


the signifigance of winter /

latenite nonthing some times i gotta sleep

so this late doesn't improve just gets later
hand forget how to spell words

mind a race against minst mean meant meat


is it any wonder the mind gets so confused

awkward ten sion

hands still hold pain
awkward tension
cold nights / she stands out side

blue smoke rises up in to the cloud
the fog / constant companion

i could watch the clouds for ever

some days they are like ribbons tied tight
against the blue of mountain / other days

they ride up the center of the lake / eye level

mostly the damn white encompasses damp shoulders
& the trees disappear / /

snow line has travelled half way down elephant mountain
waits for lower colder / clouds with bellies full of flurries


i am afraid of this dark winter / my body now an unforgiving temple
of hot pulses . take this pain . oh winter .


wait for snow / light comes in the form of snow / crystals & diamonds
soon houses will be covered in xmas kitsch / beautiful lights / more light
more colour / give this light to me oh mother
& let me pass once more through the door of winter solstice / let me
remember summer heat

die from the cold / eventually every things browns&molds rot.
it takes all winter for those leaves to break down - i wish for a rose

picked from the garden / the garden is blackend / flattened from the snow last week

in the dream i'm working in the garden the edges trimmed fresh soil turn the earth
begins to warm & i look for eternity in a pack seeds ; perpetuation of a species / plant
things that will grow for a long time / perennials / self seeders

she dreams of early spring when the snow melt and the warm mildew of earth rises
when one morning rain becomes noise as it breaks through the mantle of winter





at but to make it to solstice in stead - to make it through the holidays & creep somehow into
the new year - count back in the hours of sunlight

you see this heart is broken / it's not sure why someone drilled / i coulda sworn he had a rachet drill and it when around and around / popped a perfect hole in my chest / drilled right through me. . i'm empty i n that spot. . empty hurt . body betrays in every way.

how much pain can a body take before the mind goes crazy
could someone answer this question for me




why this betray of this body / my body





we find out one of my sons in blind in one eye
birth defect / tends to run in families / he says mom
you know i can't see so well out of this eye so we go
the eye doctor & i expect he will get glasses.

this doesn't happed. he says the child won't wear the glasses he gives him
cause one lense will be an inch thick - contact is not an option either because he
is prone to viral infections in that one eye.

i cried. for a whole day - gussy cried for me patted me on the back and said it's okay mom.

for him it's normal / it's always been that way

suddenly odd things about the child began to make sense / / they
do



gus of the drawings / painter / musician / actor commedian
always in the center of the circle / all love gus
quiet / deep / chronic asthma / chronic excema & yet he never
complains / never says a word / gus you bring me wonderment
patience and humility / for that i thank you
love ffrom your mother

this late month

@ nite it rains leaves
constant crackle of
some thing break break / trees dead broken leaves

drop to the ground / in silent resignation
back to organtia / house of rot


earth waits / cold / always cold
like me


funny how things slip away / thoughts
memories dull / old pain

& i remember
folding in to you / taste of your sweat
sweet salt on my tongue

some thing about the smell of you


you know it was the first autumn i didn't die from the dark ness

some thing about your crazee mind






it's cold on this side of the sun






hands freeze / slow death to the hand

signs.
shy.









life normalizes / becomes what it was before
count count counting
time / so sure i've been here before
@ this late month /


winter is a lonely place





& the eyes begin to draw / chest tight
stabbed / too much tension /


& i wonder / was it wrong to love you
obsessed / died from it







& i think / of the field of crosses
thick green grass / pressed against your chest
my back / voice in my ear





but it passes / gone from this mind / a final
grasp at spring summer / oh it moves so fast &
where did it go / / that feeling \ \ never to be
contained again /


i wish ed a million other dreamsfor you
/ they fell in broken fragments
meant nothing /




thick drops of blood fall
fills the toilet bowl with carmine circles
stain


soul journey in a woman's body

what is this blood that falls from me

all words look awkward




death becomes ulimate pain release
body's train wreak i give you my hands

some times late night pain becomes too much

it is this late nite that pixilates my eyes
leaves me wondering
what the fuck am i doing and why am i doing it

don't seem to have enough words to go around lately
chest hurts tight for months now / damaged
smoking in the cold night air doesn't help
the grass is too strong / /

hands hurt wrists hurt - 2 fingers numb
still/ i keep typing/ worried i'll run out of words
there is nothing left to say

body is a series of knick knack pain here
pain this /

steve jones

where are all the clowns - - i thought you killed them - get rid of them or they will start screwing around with your yard - call pest control - clown catchers

so tell me steve jones - what's it like
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
& this i forget

late night / this blue moon shines
bright

full light / still / it hides the scars
some thing about being so fucked up
you can't see the light any more
some thing about being so fucked up
grace actually becomes an option

give grace to grave / or was that the other way
around / / you suck


and the words resonate for / this hour has 22 minutes
& time for gets' it's beginning / / & you thot this was a
joke

i tell you = i joke you not / not when the moon is
this blue/ this bright / not when / / i forget





one thing i have to say

alcohol kills all the pain

body feels ----

free just for one moment


steve jones signing off
after another late thursday nite

cold eclipse / gin&methpoem

so

i'm wondering
what day your son died
did the sun fall from the sky that day?

lunar eclipse / brown moon sits
waits for the sun to rise


a poedy

methmaker:
You wipe the fog off the mirror and look at yourself.


ms finch:
see
nothing but ghost / fog of cold
steam defines no thing


methmaker:
nothing manifests,
alive or dead,

but I see handlocked words
squeeze as naturally
as babies
in
the cool blackness
of her eyes


ms finch:
out side / wind drops ice

blue bottom soul
can't take this pain no more

head tumble tumbles

sudden lee / winter cusps
scrapes on the windows

methmaker:
blow on the window-
pain
to carve out little
eyes
in the mist

to hope they see
what the blood
stains
in mine

somewhere
where
dawn breaks with a fever
there is someone
smiling
at his stomach


ms finch:
morning tumbles out of dark chill
of night / frost coats / kills
the garden / /

sad ness of being /
season of dormant heaves
pushes the ground in to crystals

ensures death



methmaker

black smiles
wild run eyes
in the television

and you hear her say,
"you're smoked out today"
as your body crumbles
into humidified ash
smudged into her neglige


whispers say the dream
that never questions why it lingers
on the solitary face
over landscapes
of torn bodies
and sonic destruction.


ms finch

some days sun of the brightest
yellow / breaks over my eyes

sky be comes clear blue
fools the fools / be warned
this sun carries no heat
only memory / lost dust

laying on the beach / wind crackles
bits of sand across skin / warm prickle

ah - that was june / july / those days
are gone / replaced by this cold cold
frost covered / hard freeze / ensures
everything is dead








wonder why some one would do that?
rise


belly full of / groin / what is this dull pain
moon remains cusp brown / moment of reckoning

who did you say you were again?

ill schooled / nay brain says /
deconstruction destruction /

what are these words / tumble tumble out
down / / & he says

jesus fucking christ / / & she thinks
why R they doing this? / let me die

/a metaphore for death / fall ing from the 20th page
some one get that fucking bitch out here / taking up
precious space / she is /

see / the trick:
/ play invisible / play anger
drink demons / / breathe fire
spit in my mouth fool
tell me how much you hate me
lets die a thousand deaths together



behind the moon / behind the earth
somewhere it's day light / & oh that sun
it streams across a billion faces right now
& that moon / it's glow ing brown / face
like a pumpkin / triangle nose / is this what
spawns anger / moon man /




stand out side / frost settles across
our faces / big g sets up the telescope
children jump up / wiggle ice breath
go in & put your shoes on / / where is your jacket?
turn off all the lights in the house

& we fall in to the black universe
that covers these mountains /

rays ripple past this planet
& the north face of the moon peeks out
white shiny bright

look it's glowing mommy / have we ever
seen this before / i think so / may be
it seems to me / we watched this eclipse before

some thing stops her brain from fully remembering

she can't be sure






& so starts the roll in to bed
time for bed everyone / kitchen is a flurry
of drinks & snacks / baby sings / just don't give up
all all of of itit / its always all alright

did you make that up
yes says a earnest 4 year old

don't give up up . . . dad - dad? da-ad? where are you

promise to touch

hi diddle dumpling
my son jon
went to bed with one shoe on

cat rolls over / shifts sleep stretch

tears run from my eyes / wet tired pixalated
shadows / millions of dots / crossed landscape
of vision

& this vision is what? you ask me what
& i say / i don't know / pain rips up & down
the legs - numb ness / dead ness / less

moon shines bright tonite / lights
up the kitchen / back yard glows
yellow autumn leaves / shadow of summer
after show / pales blue spills in to
on to / oh let me bare my soul / promise
to touch

no - i can't

seems so hard to remember the day
the week
3 weeks gone by
2 months flown jet plane style

fast


see there are no frills on this ride
maybe you'll never see me again

all i know is

i got up this morning / & couldn't remember
a god damn thing
what happened to yesterday

funny how valium peels back the brain
release thought / seems to kill all the pain

so / she's back / bleed ing
a constant throb of numb shoots /
down the leg / slow hot jabs of ache
nerves?

see & this day / these days / grow
cold / & you wonder why my hands shake

stripes of green / this morning / snow
falls fat & wet / sticks / melts/ barely covers
enough for a slick
by 1 pm it's melted / leaves haven't even fallen
off the trees yet /

across the valley the day is blue / clouds rush
north up the lake / carried by invisible currents
warm air / cold drafts / oh those clouds move
full white /

but the strangest thing of all / the yellow leaves
bunches of / stands of / trees @ the top of elephant
mountain / back ground of blue & white / with a full
shake of autumn - - just to remind / it's st.ill october

snow's not suppose to be here for another month
2 years ago - it's didn't snow till christmas eve

the year of the hard freeze / / @ least the rain keeps
it warm / /

but you know / it doesn't take much for rain / it
doesn't take much for snow / a degree or two
@ this rate it could be winter / all winter / 6 months
of snow is too much to bear

so she walks away carries an arm load of depression
& wtf's - - can these grey days of forget be any darker
it's not even sadness / only a sense of empty / of

a whole hole / the holy whore / /

she winds down / to / this has been 30 minutes
do not look at the clock / remember to shut your eyes

see the water

see the water
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
& so the day spins in to
eternal sun set / oh it's pink
the whole yard / every green
is glow ing / air is pink

this is / the nature of sun sets

these are yellow days / sun brights
pure blue / & oh / are those white caps
on the lake / don't be fooled / this is
october / /

her last child was born in october /
the last day of her pregnancy she remembers
a day like / / feel those faint rays
is it any different / / yes / / she is older now
not wiser tho / knowledge / a tricky thing

gold / it was pure gold / & dark blue
lake fills the eyes / white cap ping
wind blows a cross the water / /

wonder ing
can you walk on water / because i believe
i can / see the water / from here

this is dilato

st.uff happens / half-lidded eyes
fail to take in / peripherals

poison-tip
of a pattern / im
bed dead in gestalt
a vein of meta phore
inseper able / sick / sub lime

tension is -gone-
replaced with stupor / typed / transcription

he doesn't read anything / anymore
except news & paid opinions
political junkie / mute consumer
of media events / sometimes jostling back in
to the poetic circle jerk / to make a pin
prick of a point / d~rape~d under piles
of putrid naked philosophy / spoil ing
bur ried gems of jabberwocky &
slick syrup slathered aesthetic tics

hey / i like this idiom fusion

jon kaleidoscopesmith / has yet
to join the paisley guild / he has

one

resume / portfolio
that will get him a job / one
key to employment / gain ful
employment / texture-etching
labour / upon insertion / into
correct node of the nelson \nexus/

he will be
crafts man of eye can dy
the candyman can

*

this keyboard is aggravating / some key
i accidentally keep hitting / moves my curser
halfway up the notepad screen / wtf?

*

this ex periment is / over

layers of snow



a hot bath cures the cold / water sweetened
with epsom salts / hippie scented oils
rosemary / peppermint / & clary sage
to ease stress & agitation

steam forms in circles on the large windows
this is how wealth is measured

peel away layers of sweaters & tee-shirts
pants & long-johns / underwear & socks
step up over & down / into the cast iron tub

hot water softens calluses
wrinkles fingers / laves away
unpleasant thoughts / anger
& tears / the confusion of love

how much does a heavy heart weigh &
what is the temperature of a cold heart
with my toe i turn on the tap marked H
skin isn’t nearly red enough

when we were junkies
we went to the steam baths on east hastings st.
we would sweat it out
try to cleanse / steam away the pain the aches
return to normalcy

eyes closed arms crossed / i hold my breath &
go under / pretend to be somewhere else

excuse me / i'm not here right now
could you leave a message / i'm waiting for snow

the year is over / washed out
blue sky hides behind clouds & gray
autumn now / brown & worn orange

the earth waits for winter / traces of snow
to hide the dirt / soften sharp lines / create silence
cleansing of another kind

a layer of snow to cover the pain
a layer of steam to melt it off again

these are eggs

i for got about you
/ when i left surreality
& became / real again


so to day she starts health
over / again / leaves home
drives up the valley

wind along the slocan river
the high way / narrow / twists
empties out / on to / straight stretches /
through crescent valley / past slocan park
through winlaw / past lemon creek

all the while / mountains / the mountains
rise / bold / rock faced / they hold this valley
tight / / this is autumn / trees turn excited lee
to yellows & reds / oh the reds / burn ing bush
this is glory / against blue skies / & air / crisp
crisp / crisp / this is what the nose smells
pure est air of all / taste the river / water
this is the smell of water / & millions of
trees / fir / pine / cedar /

she puts her arm out the window
summer definite lee gone /







it's so hard to write a poem about my children
to name them
for each one i carry a burden of guilt
of perhaps something not tended to

lost fathers / /

6 children & 3 fathers
4 from one / one from one
one with this one /

one missing alcoholic
one missing (presumed dead) junkie
& one who is on the road all the time
missed the most / he's been here longer
than the other two combined / / /

see / this is not a poem / /
this is children with out a daddy
this is an eldest son / who cried @
the age of 6 / when am i going to see my dad again
i keep waiting & waiting / every day & ever night
i wait to see my dad again / /

this is running from an abusive relationship
he's the child his father loved / the rest were
mine / /

this is a 5th child / red haired / tempered
who met his father once / but there is no
memory for new borns / / a relationship
fleeting / not meant to last /
he knows he is different / a mercy fuck
a freedom baby / /

this is 4 year old / the baby / a father
who works on the road / the road is long

i miss my dad he says / / but he knows /
they know / no other / life /

but this one



i ask the older 4 if they want me to
try @ find their dad / they say no
beyond care ing






chickens scare her / yucky
gross things / with feet covered in shit
some with feathers picked / red bald
from their asses /

but they are happy to see her
she / with the bucket of grub
the instructions were:
just give them the compost

but it is lean times with
this poet cooking / not much
left to throw into the compost bucket
so she picks them / chick weed / cabbage &
broccoli leaves / swiss chard from the garden

there is feed / seeds / mixed grains
chickens peck peck peck /
what a boring life you chickens have
just live to eat / what else is there
/ / peck peck peck
she talks to them / like children /


chickens really like:
cooked oatmeal / mint tea bags?
scrambled eggs & spagetti noodles
with sauce / /

but it's their eggs that fascinate

the hen house is dark / stinky
& full of cobwebs / the feed bin
in side / / duck down / no stand ing
room / one chicken sits inside
watch ing her / first one eye
then the other / glint glint

open bin / hope there are no mice
scoop feed from separate bags
take out side / for the girls
fill feeder / toss some on the ground
back in side / don't for get to close the bin

search in the dusty dim for
eggs / not many / 3 or 4 a day

they don't lay much these days

bit's of shit & saw dust
stick to the shells / washed /
they must be washed / placed in
cartons / 2 doz this week
neighbour children come for
them on sundays

brown / spotted / white
round / oblong / bumps & ripples
some with 2 yolks / orange
the yolks are brightest orange
these are farmer's eggs / not
manufactured / ware housed eggs

these are chickens / /

this is the grave yard

to day / late after noon
she walks / up the high way
down the road / here the cars st.ill
clip by / too fast
remember / walk facing the traffic
stay well over / / cars hit people all the time
shrug down tighter in to / coat / scarf
around head / around neck / hoodie pulled over
hmmm / deaf to on coming traffic
she decides to follow the road / that cuts
off at an angle / / no reason / / just is @ the end of the road / more roads
the gas station / a hardware store disguised @a house / out building / something / / maybe it's not a hard ward store / fords / chevy / trucks parked out side / / &
on the other side of the roadthe grave yard / / bones / i can smell bones
village of slocan cemetary / welcome
a flat field / some places / no grave markers except the sunken earth / the ground takes
every thing back eventually / some graves
a hundred years old / head stones thick with
black fungus / spots / errosion erases names / for ever / hmm
well some one was buried here / i know not who
dead children are the saddest / entire generations
buried together / are second saddest / mother / fatherson / brother / sister / / lived & died long before i was
ever born
every where / graves sink into / cement snaps
the guy who just finished pour ing cement
over a pair of graves / says / well / when
the casket finally rots / the ground caves in
a couple of feet / all you can do is heap it up
(that's why they do it)
or pour a big thick cement slab
oh
suddenly there are two other men in the grave yard /
& a woman chasing2 white chickens / she gives up / the men leave
i walk alone among the dead
try ing to remember

this is my birthday

this is anger / words split by
so fucking what

but this is not her anger / it is someone else's
it flies through time / & space

a flatten ing

against the earth she rides / her body
moves upon her feet / she feels / the rocks
the soil / cut into her shoes

above her / in the distance the cliffs are red / black with fungus
green with moss / sharp / no forgiving lines
sheer rock face / hundreds of feet high

will the mountain fall down upon me
will you / stop loving me /
will you / stop hating me

there are no for give ing lines /
no words to explain truth

these are the days of quiet
only a cat with a missing tail &
a shaved side for company / when she opens
the back door in the morning / the chickens run
to the door of the coop / cluck cluck cluck /
their days are boring / the same old peck peck peck
wait for the kitchen compost for a bit / bite to eat
they peck the mud floor / look for bugs / dinner
always dinner /


every where / apple trees / macs / transparents
old fashion / left over from another time / they
grow in ditches / over grown lots / people yards
most suffer black dot fungus / they fall from
the trees / small bruised / green

but there is one tree / next to the river
where the lake empties out / there is a path
way along the water / old rail bed / these
are the things near the one tree / / it sits
vacant alone in the field / it's apples are bright est
red / large / round / shine with your sleeve
inside / the flesh is as red as the skin / sweet juice

the old fashions root round / gnarled trunks
lichen layered branches that snap at the slightest
provocation / wind perhaps / may be a bear

/ / st.ill / they bear fruit
will of perpetual survival / seeds to the ground
seeds to the ground / this is how apples grow



out side the window / she hang her body
though it / lean ing out to smoke / sounds
surround / constant hum of the mill / the dryers
forklifts / grind of saws / becomes one noise
a wall / / across the road / some where in
the forest / the creek chuckles along / through
the woods / under the street / & finally to a giant
culvert / still not content to rest / it runs into
two channels under the mill / out / in to / the lake

blue / water is dark blue / endless / @ the north
end of the lake / the valhalla rise loom / tops covered
fresh snow / the weather office reports incidents of
snow in the northern part of province

how about the wind / did they say anything about the
fuck ing freeze ing cold / put a hat on damn it / & a long coat
where in the hell are my gloves / / st.ill she wears sandles
the only thing that feels good on her feet / soon will be time
to lose feet to the eye



these are hallucinations / when the walls tip
and she lights smoke in the house / only to type with
most lee / tired / see what the day of her birth brings

so far / bitter words on the eve/ she cheats sleep
with one eye open /watches blue smoke rise from
the cigarette pursed between her lips

tomorrow she will walk / the play will un fold

these are un finish ed thoughts

& so / she travels
up the valley to slocan city
not much of a city
pop. 324
living ghost town / gold rush left overs
where side walks disappear under grass& moss / back into the earth

not really sure which houses are inhabited

when she first arrives / dark ness begins to set in
fall dusk / she runs to the garden
& picks 2 large beets / tops green /
this is her craving
this is her retreat / house sitting
in an alien town / time for work


*
here / this room / technology
doesn't matter where you are as long as you are plugged in
she unpacks / only to realize
she has forgotten / the box with the
manuscript / all the notes / & her tooth brush
one nights sleep decides the need for her own
pillow / & the mouse / her mouse /

later the next after noon
the box is delivered / her husband meets her
half way on the high way / what do you do when i'm not here
he asks / i don't know she answers /
he turns around & drives away


today / along the old highway bed / along
the shore of slocan lake / she walks
the 'old tunnel road' / she doen't make it to the tunnel /
afraid the rock cliffs above her will collapes
sending cascades of rocks / boulders she is also /
afraid of bears &
afraid of the deafening quiet / ah this is nature
she sees a squirrel eating a large mushroom /
he drops it / the mushroom rolls down the bank into the lake

/ / / the lake is full of log booms / wind blows
each section of water in to a different pattern ofripples /
a cross the water the lumber mill
blows steam / towers against the edge of the lake /
the smell of fresh lumber fills the air / /
there is sun shine / but the wind is brisk ice
the high est mountain peaks are covered in fresh
snow/ the sky looms near black / clouds thick grey
the maples are decide lee autumn / the green
leaves move toward full flush pinks & reds
eye candy / poets delight / autumns small reward / /

true to form / clouds deliver cold rain
& the bright of day is over

this is rain
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
rain coats the trees
shiny baubles of lace
grow & fall from the branches
some how / things are green er

lichen / pale est green of all / tinge white
leaves of the wild cherry st.ill summer green
full flush /

cedar is the colour of lemon balm / fat full
giant cones hang heavy
on the ends of branches

yet the inner most branches yield indian red
cedar boughs /

this is autumn / when flat needle
trees shed in side out / & aspens turn
bright yellow

these are clouds

& see / this day is gone now
taken by night / covered in clouds
fog creeps / slick with rain
black road be comes / shine of danger
go slow / can't see the sides / the end
the corner / of the road
night / deceiver of eyes / plays tricks
yes tricker ee / watch for ghosts
on the side of the high way

you see / this body twists pain
un control able / twitch / tight en of the back
shoulders / high & taut / ribs knot ed
mind manifests / tests / what strength lacks
immaculate perception

so the rain stops / but clouds remain
ever present / whisps of white moisture meld
a gainst the mountains / & lay low a cross
the valleys / clouds change the land scape
to dream scape /

if one can get past the chill
colour be comes staple / reds blast out pinks
mauve strays next to the greens / trees black en
& every where / yellow turns bright est yellow /

the sun the sun where is the fuck ing sun?

it strays / waits / patient / who cares
it's shining some where / just not here
the sky is all ways blue above the clouds

there are no character sketches / no divine
examples of truth / & certain lee / no epiphanies
just bad brains / excuses / lost spiritual pursuit

trivial really / so she eats bits of cheese / & dreams
shivers cigarette butts / feels dull aches
of too many smokes / /

she wish es sleep
some thing to heal the body / the mind

this is sad ness

& so rain falls heavy / thunderous funny thing is / the sun st.ill shines
the trees aglow in yellow / must be can't be / autumn again / & a car drives by whistles by / purr of engine whines downit slows / enters the golf coursepark ing lot / / oh golfers love the fall
they don't care as they speed past the house this isn't their street / only a means / a waya path / to travel / to crack / the ball / a beerenjoy the green / this is relaxation?
for the poet does not golf / she only curses golfers / & errant balls with no fore! attached to them

& see these days bleed slow lee by not a lot / not a lot / can't get any thing done / silence in the house / silence in the house time built




so these are the days of chest pains / torn torso / dull ache of cigarettes / weed / stress / dull ache of pain between the shoulder blades / stomach churns / rips /
back of the head / heavy / this is not sleep ing get through the day / walk over it / cook a meal laundry / empty the dish washer to kill time spaced out / for get be ing / & just be
some how / the back refuses to relax / fingers for get where the letters are / this is confusion chase ing time up the street days coat ed in thick lies / silent resignation
& in the back yard grass grows tall / wild / loves the rain the garden reduced / reduced to this the rain / won't stop / even now it falls relent less / white lines of wet ness this is sad ness