Wednesday, March 30, 2005

oh god - another nite with steve jones

spring iz sprung
de grass iz riz
i wonda where de flowers iz

under the cold ground
seeds & roots wait

i planted daffodils & tulips on my aunti's grave

i planted so many bulbs that when they burst toward
the spring sun they pushed the 18 inch by 18 inch piece of
sod up
deer came & dug & ate / needless to say the grave over her urn
looked ravished /

i can imagine the rest of the relatives coming to the grave
& wondering wtf
has happened to mom's grave

last year after a couple of years of a metal marker
my aunts children finally laid a grave stone on top of her

now i wonder where the flowers are ? did they throw them back
into the ground when they dug up the sod to put down the grave stone

i guess i should just go look / it's been 6 months almost since i went
up to the grave yard / i know so many people in there / mostly i find
it quiet & peaceful / it's where i want to be buried / oh what to do with the dead

some times i get choked up & the tears come / i remember all those names carved in
stone / i wonder what ever happened to . . . / & then i find them / /

& i wonder what this preoccupation with death is all about
why the questions drive my mind so wild / /

it's quiet in the house that rock built

3 of the children are gone away over night

3 children are here

the 2 youngest / & the oldest

it's quiet in the house that rock built

& i think i spoke too soon as a loud soundtrack

comes over the speakers of the kid's computer

tonight i work / hosting open stage

i am steve jones filling in for estevan

it's electric wednesday / i don't play anything electric

although i can play the opening rift for smoke on the water

but then again / so can my 6 year old / & the guitar is as tall

as he is / /

so i guess i will read some erotica / seems to be the only thing

that holds the attention of drunk patrons / / poetry for the every man

found in bars from here to there / classic redneck / small town / like

my draft beer types of guys / / & me ? // well steve jones only drinks

tequila - straight up shots of gold / / let's side step the middle man

orange juice & soft drinks / / yes / born to be an alcoholic / oh steve

you're so bad when you put those shoes on / / black & white mules

come fuck me pumps of the small est sort / / low high heels with minds

of their own /

steve does a quick inventory of her wardrobe / / wonders what fits

a winter weight gain of 20 pounds is kinda freaky / 10 of it she needed

the other ten / pant tightener / religion revealer / / no / too old to

wear my pants that tight / / oh god / i can feel a clothing breakdown

coming on / panic / of / oh shit / i need to look good / but man is my

ass ever big these days / & holy shit / try to pull these over those new

found thighs / / / i can't even go on / poor steve / what will she ever do???

Monday, March 28, 2005

on death

so hard to begin

tonite rain falls thick / humid
every drop full saturation

in to the earth

rain creates shine galore
puddles on the bottom of the power lines
puddles on the stairs by the drive way

on the adjacent property / the slough fills
to dangerous levels

don't fall in / keep small children away
ah mother's worry / /

i remember as a child sitting on the heat vent
reading archie comics / & my dad coming in the room
he was crying /he said my dad died today / i put
the comic down & resolved never to read the archic comic

Saturday, March 26, 2005

& the air smells like november / /

too dead to write

snow falls / smells like november
thermometer reads 2+ C
but still snow comes down
wet mixed with rain

sky is socked in / grey cover
hides mountains / trees / the rest of
the world / /

would you like butter fly with that
perhaps a few chopped onions / red ones
so sweet & really not red / but purple

no hold the butterfly / i prefer butter
rye bread with a bit of pickle
a slice of swiss cheese /

& some times i feel like i could just drop
dead @ any moment / / then what ?

feel head heavey / feel head crazy
oh what am i to do?

a bright lite / point of light in front of the eye
back of the brain / sudden crush of / ow that hurts

st.ill she smokes / thinks about feeding tubes
the tunnel from the nose to the throat / blood

it's the small things / all the small things that add
up to nothing / / really just nothing

there's the furnace that kicks in /


& then

the easter bunny shows up . . . creeps through the house

chocolate eggies here & there / one the stairs
out side the bed room doors

bunny hides the baskets . . .

(those little brats / ahem / little angels hardly deserve even one chocolate)

any ways that took about an hour / 6 kids / trying to keep it equal
counting out candies / /

& the night falls late again

& i st.ill can't stop thinking about

mothers who kill their children / / why why / the damned
cry / / i take what is mine
& another child slips under the water

yes the dead go on being dead / i can't stop this
progression of regression / sometimes sooner
than later / ah mother takes all back to her bosom

in to the ground with thee

& what is this fear of dying i cling so tightly
to / / cupped hand to the water / oh you are turning
white again / & think of me when you fall to sleep @ night
let me be

the last thot / & i can't remember where i was going with this

& body becomes a mystery again / only partly remembered
& oh
if you'd only taken better care / when you had the chance

& don't you think it's odd when some one says
would you like that with butter fly

& wouldn't you answer with some thing like
well i have daisies in my eyes & blood in my throat
& i've never really been much for butter fly on or off
the side

you know / it's like entering a contest that you never signed up for
or some thing like that words elude /

the plague of late nite / draw back from cynical / remember
you weren't very smart in the first place / & in second place
a few words you won't remember /

& blood escapes veins / slips through the skin

bleeding from the inside out / epic proportion
lies of various sorts / illusion of delusion
or some thing like that

hell i'm so far away from here already i can't remember
what is was i was going on about / i'm certain tho
i felt an unsettling current / ominous / black clouded ness
& the tickle sets in /

no no no butter fly with that / i can't remember the rules
but i'm sure if some one offers me butter fly one more time
i'm going to / uh /

well it is winter you know / sure spring was days ago
but up here in the mountain / white coats the trees

Friday, March 25, 2005

me & the kids/ 5 of them are mine / 2 of them are joanne's / it's really windy & cold / hence the hats / Posted by Hello

once again

too late at nite / thots ramble
can't stand my body right now

the extra weight i've gained
skin dull / age shows up around my
mouth / in the lower cheeks

i'm too good looking to be this old
ah vanity / deadly sin that it is
i can't bear to get old / why does
this body begin to fail / / my youth
falls between my fingers / on to the ground
mixed with sand / the wind blows it away

solitude of night bears down / an almost
enjoyable place to be / some where over here
some place between my ringing ears & the empty bed

no / that's a lie / never alone / even now one small
boy sleeps side ways in his mother's bed / head covered
in perspiration / dirty feet across his mother's pillows

ah & she / i rage / some days the anger over takes
makes words & body & day angry / / curse / i swear
you have shit for brains / / grab a brain / / stop
think about what you are doing / think about what will
happen if you do that/ is some one going to get hurt
because you weren't thinking ???

i hate this job / mothering / teach your children well
what am i teaching / how to be neurotic / a fraid / oh i
told you so

Thursday, March 24, 2005

a couple of days in burton

some times late night comes before
i know it / & i am alone again

the prospect of sharing a single bed
with my 4 year old doesn't seem very

i have brought 5 of my 6 children
to stay at my girlfriends log house
there are two bedrooms / the house
has an open floor plan / we are going
home tomorrow / / it has been a wild
2 days / / / 7 wild children running yelling
fighting & screaming / / my nerves are frayed
to say the least

this key board i'm typing on is also very noisy

*kootenay break

we are in burton on the lower arrow lake
the water is the same hue of blue as tropical water
today we went to a giant sand bar / mud flats
there were all kinds of dunes & rock piles
& wind / wind to lose your voice in / the
mud flats were cracked & spongy under foot

i imagined that any moment the gates of the dam
on the upper lake would be let up & a rush of water
would come & sweep us all a way / / joanne says
no / there is hardly any water above the dam this
year / no snow pack / no tsunami's here / / only
cold march wind & children running through dry white
grass / / the only noise is the grass singing shussss shusss
the only water here is a low thin creek winding through
the mud flats on it's way to the distant shoreline

there is a teepee that we stop at / inside is a fire pit
& a small plat form / joanne says that on the full moon
people go to the teepee & party / i imagine light ing fire
in all that wind / flicking my lighter / watching the grass
burn as the flame runs across

to the mountain & in to the trees / flames travel quick
on the wind

Monday, March 21, 2005

when i can't move / i think of dust / more on crazy

i can't seem to move forward

i have 4 manuscripts sitting & too much fear
send them out & / or to give a final edit


what is the point?

i guess it is my own self doubt


this day of rain / grey skies / snow blowing side ways
ah welcome to spring / / 21 of march / moon is almost full
completely cold / winter sparkles across the landscape

some how the sky clears & stars become the focus
for my eyes / / all those stars / so familiar

but it all comes back to the desert
full circle / i wonder why that is

she thinks / sitting on the closed lid of the toilet
smoking grass / smoking weed / staring @ candles in the
dark / wondering / always wondering

it's because / says his voice
you can't stop thinking about me

every time a door opens unexplained
or a towel slips to the floor / it's me

i'm there with you / remember
i can't forget

time flies for ward / always set to
tomorrow / which never comes by the way
it's always today / & last week disappears
in to the messy linen closet / falls in to
the garbage with lint from the dryer / all
those bits of trash that can't be recycled

yes days fall away / leave behind a few scattered
incidents / yes it was morning / i remember now
i think it happened in the after noon / i'm so sure
it was night time / i met you @ nite / never for got you after
that / even during those longest days i can't quite remember
it's you i thought about / & how the distance between where i stand
now beside my self / imagine being lost in a grey cloud / imagine
not remembering what may is like / green & all

forget spring showers flowers / & details of the month we just sailed through

it's dusk / it's dusk when i miss you most / when i wish
i could lay on top of you one more time / close
breath in your skin / thats when i salivate & my eyes
water / when i think of you / & the possiblity of never touching
the core / soul / who's soul? / your soul / the possiblity i will
never taste your mouth again / fills me deep / broken glass /

danger ous / i'm just not like that / / i only want to live on the edge
nod / yes / laughter ////

& she proceeds to look in the giant hole in the ground / oh god could
it be / i'm just like alice / / white rabbits & all / / well written
about / she is / that girl who falls down holes / journey to dream

& st.ill it refuses to make sense / i won't be pushed around like that
& time looks @ the clock & laughs / for now we've be come sense less
& she could give a fuck / if she could remember to give a fuck / but she
can't / / /

& i look down to the place / a hole where my heart used to be /
use ful it was / full of valves & things of importance // what use
is a heart / if you don't have one / what use is a soul if you don't
have a heart / / what use is a heart

no no / better to have a hole / one that you can't see in to / one
so dark & deep / the journey out would take weeks / months / possibly
years / / / sit on the lip of light ness / / don't fall in

do you know how much i miss you dark man / / arc angel do you wear
your cross up side down / /

touch my hip with your finger tip / / across my stomach
that's where you touched me most of all / i felt you in my belly
like you had lived there for a very long time / /

leisurely / sure i'll take it / really / it works for me

& again it is midnite

& i forget to sleep / for get to for get

it is in these dreams
i look in the mirror

a woman in a hat with a green silk
scarf wrapped tight around her neck
a sad face looks back @ me

what is this house of light & darkness

& i moved silent through the house that
rock built / smell the warm residue of cigarette
smoke in the ensuite closet / bathroom / burnt wax
scented candles / incense / / inviting

reminds me

of another time / a place of intimate excitement
wrapped in black flavoured darkness / coffee
& some thing about how the snow smells out side
& the whitening of the earth / roads impassible
in another time / tucked in to my lover's bed
our skin warm together /

a constant journey of senses / / for get to remember

& the trains passes through town / the fog low
wet / drip of melt consumes my ears / water runs
off every thing / the entire planet soaked in spring

run off / / when will it warm again

see i told you spring was over / / just can't believe it

& i am

slow lazy day

don't leave the house

sleep all day / / wake all night

& i can't get used to this person
i've become / all day morning dreams flash
through the brain / i can't grab them long
enough to remember / / i'm certain there are
children in my dreams / /

& lately my friends are getting sick & dying
cancer / heart / stroke

remember this : i will never stop being in love with you

look in the mirror & say this 100 times

self love before service / /

& i wonder what i'm going on about / lost to the thoughts again

how cliche' all the words sound

how strange

games only dead people can play

& there was some thing else i meant to put down
to riff on / / words to play games with

& foot goes numb again / slightest pressure deadens
kills the circulation / & i wonder if this is a bad thing
that the blood refuses to pass / move on / go to the places
it's suppose to go

& so now / sprin g break / oh 2 weeks of children home

well @ least we don't have to get up in the morning

& soon easter / Oh god i hate these chocolate holidays
we are forced to endure because we are parents to
wide mouthed sugar munching children who demand
their fair share of mass consumer ism

so i'm changing my plan for bunny day / may be buy a few small
chocolate eggies / & a present each of something that is NOT
made from sugar & food colouring / /

Sunday, March 20, 2005

i will be

& the snow falls again
brings winter round again

high winds cut across the snowscape
sworls swirls / snow flies side ways
covers the porch

tired eyes
bid me to sleep
wake wake again
when winter is gone

i touched my finger to my arm pit
smelled it / thot of you / reminded of your smell
taste / god how i miss the taste of your mouth
the cut of your words
the smell of your breath against my mouth

i am ever lost is a place i can not
will not return to / earth spins / moves me
you for ward / away from the tender

& i can not go back / escape
to nothing /

late night twitch of spin / tap of foot
prickle of dry skin /

snow keeps blowing side ways

i can't imagine your pain

but i can imagine my own pain / bring on the dancing girls
snow plough plow scrapes / metal against asphalt / snow lands
drifts / moves up ward / to ward / on ward / to the sky / falls up

even the wind blows in circles / round round
why is every thing round / oh those patterns / fractals
infinite beginning

skin crawls some more / furnace kicks in
clock goes round / 1 am / second hand spins
rapid motion / time takes off / grows wings / flies
past me / pulls me for ward / i pull

back / reluctant to move past this point in time
although i wish the snow would melt & soon spring is coming
& be fore i know it / spring will have turned her self in to summer

it goes some thing like that

how many times will i circle the sun

& do you suppose / i wonder my self / that if you die on one
side of the sun / does your soul stay there for ever / waiting
for the earth to pass by again / or do we even know

perhaps / we become the circle / the path

& my mind obsesses women who drown their children
& i'm sad / overwhelmed / because i wanted to drown my children once
some how i moved through the feelings / & could see the world around me
again / the light as it fell through the trees /

against my face / light gave hope / pale yellow streams of hope

follow me to the light / & i will be forgiven

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

good sign - this is march

march 16 & the snow begins to


ah winter not quite done

the earth covered in white /
a little icing sugar to sweeten things up

& the golfers were getting so excited
& i'm sure the ski hill is happy
for a fresh coat to soften the icy base

they say 2 inches is going to fall

look up at elephant mountain towering over head
such a different view from baker st.
a guarding mountain / full blue
weather indicator

the house is a good quiet
all children sleeping
big g back on the road

& i sit nodding off / must be all the skating to day

body tired / a good sign

march comes in like a lamb

ah all sweet sunshine & all
but the cold air / the shade tells all

the ground is still frozen / & today

rain turns to snow / sticks to the ground
the trees / every thing covered &
winter again / & you ask me / i'm not surprised
@ all / because i know the snow is gone one
month early this year / & i know i've seen it snow in
late april befor / & these are the snow falls that
kill people in cars / we just didn't expect the car
would go off the road / / /

& what a crazy fucked up - - world

/ they say it's the tsunami
& probably global warming / & what an odd year
& the pine beetle that's eating all the trees in b.c.
epidemic they say / & it just won't freeze long enough
deep enough to kill them / so they just keep eating the
forest / & some where i went off track
but it's this winter / it's not done yet / there's only
snow drops in the garden / no crocus yet / not another
spring flower in sight / / / & the garden sits dormant

2 more months 'til spring

thats' all /

this is march

to day is the day

. .
okay to day is the day i pull out @ least
2 of my manuscripts & scrub them up & send them out

i feel like i'm finally ready to submit work again

it's time to get working

finish off some of these projects i have laying around

maybe i'm even ready to look @ my play again

okay here i go . . .

wish me luck

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

the soul has escaped

funny how the words drag out
on a nite like to nite

they sit there dance on my tongue
play back beats on the back of my brain

but to move them to finger / to this paper screen
finger the words / its all i want to do

robin pees the bed tonite - mama's bed
he's four / & doesn't have many accidents

of course every thing is saturated
the duvet cover / the duvet
sheet & mattress pad
a small miracle saved the mattress / ah dry

oh it's so hard to be a big boy / youngest of 6
forever the baby / today robin smashes the big mirror
on mommies dresser / it falls over / flips over 180
smash / on to the floor

child you make my hands shake / my heart stop
my dangerous boys / wild / in the moment
remember / children get crushed

so easy to die / when you don't pay attention

certainly death loves small & frail
pale hair of youth / lost eyes / smiles

the house has eaten a book
another one
an important one
needed for a grade 7 english class due tomorrow
put off until today
& now the book is gone / the book is needed
tell the teacher to phone me
i tell a teary eyed mariah
i'll tell her our house eats books
& that we haven't seen the cat in months
& there was a frog who mysteriously disappeared
we both know the teacher won't buy it

we do know the book is gone / bound to turn up
@ some later date / but until then / i can't search
any more / / we've turned the house up side down
checked the chairs & under the beds /' all the book shelves
& cupboards / / it could be any where
but it's no where to be found

so i spent the winter gaining weight
some much needed weight / but now i'm
flabby / my ass & legs white & large for me

every one says you look good / can't even tell you gained
weight / where is it / i can't see any thing (i show them
the roll on my belly ///
now i feel yucky & fat /

obsession is what i have
when i comes to myself
i can't stop thinking about me

my uncontrollable desires & cravings
cigarettes in the middle of the night
joints in the morning /binging on food & alcohol

so strange to think so much of my self
& yet not have any control over the actual being
yes i'm obsessed with being out of control
having none what so ever

it's extremes / every thing i ever do
is full on or nothing /

it's like trying to live safely on the edge

so like are you trying to fall in to the vat of boiling acid
why do you stand so close to the edge

i keep forgetting you are gone now
some how walked a away from all this

miss my beating heart / it stops
every so often to remember i does
that every now & again

i think the heart can take you close to death

i think perhaps the heart is the soul pounding to get out

bang-bang bang-bang / from the first breath to the last

bang-bang / let me out / & when the heart is quiet

even for a moment / it means the soul has escaped

Monday, March 14, 2005

feet twitch / legs a hum of restless

so hard to find words on this nite
feel terminal sadness
about things i have no control of

like women getting so depressed
they kill thems selves & their children

why why i wonder
i do know the answer

i stood on the edge looking in to the water
i decided i would take my children with me
in to the water / vortex of a high spring run off
the coquitlam river

some where sanity grabbed me / & i didn't die that day
& neither did my children

but this theme returns / comes back to me over & over
i remember wanting to die
the hope less ness of it all

a baptismal of death by water

a guarantee in to heaven

all the little children drowned by their mommys
sit a circle / wet / but are they smiling

all the little souls / were they really freed

& what goes through mother's mind as she submerges
each child

i did this for you

mother truly is a murderer

life giver / life taker
i hold you to my chest
ah little miracle of flesh & blood
becomes a bartering tool

no / a part of / mother can't let go
tied tightly to the fallopian tube
come hold my hand / let us walk to gether
eternally yours

& so they say / rest in pieces of soul
burned black / bare bone / ashes
for you i carry ashes

& that last fifth of the moon lays on his back
above the western horizon / orange some times that
moon is orange / & bright / a sliver of curled brightness
& i wonder how much that old moon has seen ///

circling // a killing moon

watches blood flow eternal / black washed clean by rain
seeps in to the ground / / oh life giver / run red down
thigh /

let the moon see you

as strips of black cloud settle below
above / swallow the moon / & for just one moment
the bright orange tip shines like a cats eye
between those clouds / / what are you searching for
moon / /

the truth / somewhere here in l.ays the truth

why mother' kill their children / can it be any more
cut & dried ///

i died for you

so mother bakes cookies / does laundry
tries not to yell @ the children
this is what mommy does

mommy writes to forget

mommy writes to remember

& yea / these day years run for ward
in front of me / pull me a long
resisting / becomes futile

monday morning slips to after noon

torn between laundry
& early march spring

i try to express this day
of blue sky & cold air

yes the yard needs raking
the winter's compost needs turning

& i mourn the 25 pounds
my body gained winter sentient

every so often the wind comes up
plays a song on the 7 chakra chime

i am soothed in to spring time
by single golden tones

by the yellow of sunshine &
the rumble of an excavator

moving rocks & earth @ the
end of our street

noah & mariah play catch
base ball


Thursday, March 10, 2005

the dead go on being dead

i'm in mourning today / to night

sadness / thots of death & loss

wondering if we were only born to die

& what is all this other stuff in between

& who holds the power of death in their hands

& depression is a very fucked up place

& despondent can make you crazy

enough to drown your child in a tub full of water

& hang your self in the garage / oh the sorrow

before & after / / / of course the living go on feeling the numb of nothing

pain kills pain / flattens the heart / dilutes the blood

& the dead go on being dead

they say florida is nice this time of year
balmy / not too humid yet / flowers are blooming
a good place to go golfing / just watch out for alligators
in the ditches / hell / i hear they crawl out into the middle
of the roads down there / down there in florida
high crime too / a lot of cars / & crazy fucking weather
hurricanes / floods / high winds / / my self / i never saw
any of that / i've felt the humidity tho / in august /
walk across the street / & you feel like you won't make in
as moisture / imagine that / moisture / pushes a body down
down in the asphalt / black top gets soft in hot places
cali / nevada / & florida /
oil circles ooze to the top / gum melts in ewy puddles
ants scurry after human droppings /

still / what i wouldn't give to be in florida right now
or arizona / actually i prefer the desert / the dry heat
the damp heat / soaks you / oppressive is what i'd say

although pure blue is pure blue & sunshine is sunshine
which ever way you slice it

& i hear / if a body's needing a rest / well florida is a
great place to go / fishing / golf / a change of scenery
a change of faces / & memories / /

oranges / they grow a lot of oranges in florida / the
sunshine state / i do believe they call it / & lemons too
well you can't have it all sweet / not in florida
not any where else / grape fruit too / now there's a bitter bite
one that's shocking / one you won't soon forget

well kick back / put your feet up / let the sun warm your face
i hear it's great in florida this time of year
& that sunshine heals the soul

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

it made me high

so today is international women's day

i went to 5 feminist minutes / a yearly event
put on by the local women's center

of course i was late / i was just putting dinner on
the table when it started at 7 / i finally got out of
the house @ 8 / /

the problem with being late is there might not be a spot left

how it works is like this / there is a giant sign up sheet @ the
door / first come / first served / you can do what ever you like
to "proclaim" feminism / sing a song / proclaim 5 minutes of silence
dance sing comedy routine / what ever you like
/ but you only get five minutes / if you
go over the five minutes / they pull you off stage with a giant
hoop on a stick / vaudevillian (sp?) style / a real hoot /

when i arrived i asked the girl sitting at the sign up sheet
if there were any spaces left / she said / one space / there is
someone else in there / but she said if some one else really wants
the spot let them have it / so / the long & short of it

i took the spot / last spot of the night / signed up as
steve jones / /

i immediately went
into the throws of stage fright / which i rarly suffer from
my heart pounding & my hands shaking / & the really weird thing
is / there really wasn't any one there i knew / a few aquaintences
but not one of my buddies to be seen in the crowd / other than
the staff / for some reason i became totally stressed out / it
probably had to do with the fact that the last act up is what people
take home with them / it had to be good / & i didn't know if the piece
i brought was apropo for the last spot / (last year i read erotica & it
went over extremely well) / but this year /

damn damn damn ( i search for the words to describe my work / my
mind set / & there are none ? / typical ) i don't even under stand
myself / damn damn damn

*back to 5 feminist moments

a couple performers from the end / they announced the last readers

when the mc announced steve jones would be up last / a murmer went
through the crowd / a man ? / taking the last spot of the night @
a feminist event / / a few people got up & left / but the room was
still brimming with women / young & old / /

finally they announced me / i got up on stage / said hi i'm steve jones
& read my most recent piece / cause that's the only piece i ever really love
what i've just written / / & damn / as soon as i started to read / i became
myself / & read / just read / came in @ the five minute mark almost exactly
didn't get hauled off the stage / & really loved how the piece worked / i
became my confident self / & came off feeling sweet / a big round of applause

the best part was / all the compliments from everyone after
they loved me / / loved the work

it made me high

could there be any thing else

a couple of things i did today

bought and replaced toilet in ensuite bathroom
(not necessarily an easy task)

Moral : don't buy cheap toilets when you are building a house

a 90 dollar toilet is not the same as a 225 dollar toilet
(which by the way is still at the bottom of toilet prices)

the one i really like cost $350 (i think it cleans it's self)

also an ant colony had set up base camp under the old cheap (cracked)
toilet / so i was anxious to pull the toilet off just to see what the hell
was going on under there / i swear i've poisoning them //

g.d. ants/ see that what you getting for living so close to nature

i also did at least 10 loads of laundry today but did not finish

i will never be finished / / laundry is the bain of my - well - everything

i live to do laundry / laundry exists for me / only me

my daughter says : well that's what you get for having 6 kids

i never thought it would snow ball in to this

i don't even want to guesstimate how many loads i wash a year

i do know i buy the largest laundry detergent available

hell . . .

another plant i grew - just one for medicinal purposes - i had never grown a pot plant before / i was amazed @ my success / unfortunately it was so strong i couldn't smoke it / i gave most of it away to friends / a truely beautiful plant Posted by Hello

oh i miss my garden

my fall garden - isn't it beautiful Posted by Hello

Friday, March 04, 2005

apple fritters

these are lost words / late nite
ramblings / a cough from the upstairs bedrooms
children sleep / breathe steam / thick the air
thick with sleep

& today i'm walking / up the hill / snow melts
reveals / muddy dirt / bottle caps / lost mitten
a plastic faded ducky / a cloth bandage / dog shit
& a dead skunk / run over frozen on the side of the road

each time i go by it / more of the pelt is revealed

to day i'm walking / up the hill / i think / the skunk
is coming up soon / & soon i see / a sharp square rock
& i think / god / i hope it's not what i'm thinking
& i get closer to the skunk i can see / partially revealed
still frozen to the side of the road / & i can smell skunk
& i look

white guts spattered / like cottage cheese i think / & i'm
disgusted / grossed out / wonder why a child would do that
some how hoping / a child did that /& not some big person
& death is so weird / & so little respect for these shells we
call our bodies / & even if it was only a skunk / or a cat
or a human / like the pictures i saw on the net

of dead iraqi bodies/ heads / heads with out bodies / & captions
like you have to break a few eggs in order to scramble them

& just where does my fucking spirit go / when i'm finished
here / & to day / i run / i walk to ward sun shine / after
the giant shadow falls from the march mountain / still low
the sun still low in the horizon / /

*cuts out for a kootenay break

direct sun lite / warm / 20 deg c
but in the shadows & shade / air freezes

southern exposure is always best

on the north face / winter lingers / blue dirt
snowbanks / ice / ah cold

i run toward the sun / east / along & down silver king mountain
fall in to step with ribbons of march sun / 4 pm low on the mountain
warm / orange /

it glows

shadows become ridiculously long / far away / my shadow
runs / rather / lops along / high above the highway / on
the opposite embankment / a disintigrating figure /

run run to the sun / i can't for get now / the taste of spring
cuts across my lips / grit of dust rises from the roads / fills
eyes / & nose / catches rays of sun light / look look the sun is
out again / people in shorts / a bounce of gaiety / every one wears
sun glasses / to the uninitiated / one would think it was summer

well / perhaps a bit eerie / with no greenery / stark / idle
now enter the season . of . "waiting for spring" // high on
the mountain / 2 1/2 months until planting / ah where is the greenery
the leaves & the flowers / 3 of the smallest snow drops appear to day
near the house / purple tips push up / bound to become tulips @ some point

the ground st.ill frozen / shovel won't cut down deeper than an inch
don't be fooled / winter is a harsh bitch / she kills almost all / eventually
we spin around to the opposite side of the sun & blamo / presto / we ditched
the bitch / come on sun / tilt on me / tear away this white skin
this season of too long ness / lowt of winter
be gone with you

/ & i'm awakened by bad dreams
a child wandering the house / i wonder dark thoughts flash
through his sleeping brain / hush / time to sleep /

night st.ill smells like winter / not crossed the thresh
hold / spring solstice comes soon / & i think

i remember being on
this side of the sun before

& i wonder if you remember being on this side of the sun with me
some time a go / a walk in the desert / that's when the sun shone
the brightest / oh a hot sun / burn me a soul (or some thing like that)

vague @ best / / /


okay no more pics in this blog
well @ least not today

i've lost direction & purpose
with this blog which was:

to free write every night

some how tho / there is a block
some thing i'm not in control of
this feeling of "not good enough"

& then you know / i start looking around for my soul
i'm so sure i left it laying around here some where

can't get high enough / i begin to wonder if it's time
to cut loose / go on a bender / forget about reality

ticking time bomb that i am / / @ some point i'm bound to
keel over ///

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

whoo hoo

a bit of fresh jam

it's exciting - only the second time i've been published on line
the other time was a couple of years ago when i had a piece published
by hip mama

still / i like the permanance of print / cyber space still has that not
quite real
quality about it

but in the mean while i'm glad some one likes my work enough to publish it
on line or not