Tuesday, July 26, 2005

late nite pitter / patter / /

so slow lee i fill this

page / that page ///

& i can hard lee complain / / about
any real pain / / what is this
bless ing of the crazy mind
& even a poet has a good day
ever y now & then / & my fingers can't remember
what i look like / where the keys sit / & this becomes
pain full / lesson

of i can't remember what it was / it seemed as if
it / up / set / me / @ / the / time

but i can't remember what happened ---

so it passes / & days pass & july moves in to august
damn summer rolls forward one more time / & i can't

just won't / take this season / please don't take it
from me / / & i think of snow in january & how dark
those days get & some how i can't grab tight enough
to this
fleeting moment / this day of the purple / lavendar
ah / / beauty of the senses

& soon we make plans for autumn / / yes
we waited long for summer

& now the raspberry canes lean heavy with red fruit
fat berries / tart / / love the sun while you can / &
i water religious lee / / all ways / drag the hose across
the lawn / past the mint & oregano / / crush crush
heavy scent rises / up / / garden smells sweet / sweet
i say / / & so i sit there / & watch the lilies open /
pale yellow / burnt red / /

& you know / soon the sunflowers will be taking over
they begin to tower up - right / passing the falling
fox glove top heavy with bloom

holly hock / / also presses sky ward / /
round buds form up the stems / tight lee
packed petals / wait to burst / hot pink

& so this week passes day by day / meal by
laundry load /

oh praise be summer / / /

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

.the prayer of jensus.

jensus lost faith in the flock

the community of faithless

jensus kryst she mutters over & over again

blessed mother holds her hands up in prayer

prayer for the non-believer

prayer of the god less

church of the universe

bless-ed is the smoke of nirvana

hash smoke coils round finch's head

bless-ed are we of the clean air

smells green in these mountains

bless-ed are we of the yellow days & crimson leaves

Monday, July 18, 2005

some times / there is nothing left to say

Each day a court of helpers gathers in some semblance of community. The Assistants Assembly of Disarray and Confusion. Disharmonious cacophony. Dissonance of the worst chord. Notes struck in tiredness, shitty diapers and children’s cries. I wish for a b flat to climb inside of.

Friday, July 15, 2005

mother / writer

& it's so crazy how late @ nite it gets
& i am rolling in to / this side of the clock
again / again / i am late / & i am smoking cigarettes
pondering the universe / enjoying the warm air /
the million stars / / all for me

day lite / sun shine / i am in the garden
i am the garden / / i want to look @ flowers
all my flowers / all day / you hear that / all day

& we are picking berries / & we are smelling
sweet smells & we are / we are / summer

& i am crazy working / writing mommy / dragging my
lap top to my friend's houses / looking for quiet

to day / stupidly / i thot i'd chain my self to my chair
& just write / / all / day // all day / / to edit one act

& one point i loaded up my 4 yr old in the car & took
him to the dollar store / & let him buy a cap gun for him &
his brother / / what was i thinking / / i wasn't

i won't even get in to the aftermath / need less to say
i hid in the garden / weeding / / for some reason
they don't bother me when i'm out there / but when i'm in
the house / / trying to concentrate

& they wonder why i write about mother's going crazy

for i walk thru / under / over / the valley
of / i shall fear / / worry / / feel bad

for i am / / mother / guilt @ it's finest hour

i am / laundry / & baba's / & dirty dishes
& stick y floors / i am/ crumbs & toenails
& boogers in my bed / & where is my pillow
& why is the pillow case on the floor

& so i stay up late / write away / what i think about when
i stare @ the stars / / & late lee / i smoke in my office
with the window open / & don't feel guilty / tired of that feeling
of / i shouldn't do that / i should / oh i should / embrace
every thing i should n't do / i'm gonna grab / hold tight

summer makes / foolish ness / warm nights
always / i grow younger / for get who i am /
be the smell of cedar & dry forest /

new mown lawn / shrieks of children
they always shriek / don't they / /
screams of delight / / & oh / / summer is here
& kootenay lake is azure blue / / deep / & those
mountains green / turn blue as they distance
valley of mountains / valley of water / / /

Friday, July 08, 2005

spurned thots / please take them away

always erase the title
start with an empty page
come back to the title later

last line is always the beginning

last line
beginning / & i'm lost in a sea of psuedo frustration
can't get / time / can't get / "the work" / done

& it's only a rewrite / a play that's been written so
many times before / & what the hell is wrong with me
& i spot the laundry piling up / again / & i become
a caracture of my character / / oh i won't kill the children

but for a moment of silence / oh for a moment
a day / a week or 2 / of nothing to mind
except what i chose / / writing / & @ 1:19 am
i'm skipping out / for get about you / i won't look no
more / & i don't trust it this late @ nite / & what am
i getting my self in to / & can i wait one more year
for this fuck er / this story / this bane of my / well /
you know ///

i just want to get it done / exactly like my character
she just wants to get her manuscript done / but she can't
because of the voices in her head . . . / & i never use
elipses / cause i think i'm allergic / & the smell of the
joint come ing out of the pocket of my hoody / is so

& oh it's great to be canadian
cause to day when i needed weed
i simply went to the weed store

& got some

for a fair price / no gouging

but i don't really like the smell of it
a bit too earthy / stinky / oh the bud

& so i walk throught the valley
i'm so goddamn stoned / i'm not
stoned @ all / & i suppose my mind /
my mouth / my chain smoking body
doesn't mind / as long as i'm not choking

cough ing / for get ting / ting?

sound of a glass in the dish washer

no /

& to nite / sky is unbearably clear / & how
i love the stars / & all things not with in reach

except i keep reach ing my thresh hold

& i can't believe i've arrived / here / now

all that sort of thing / /

& day never gets done / i wish i could make
lists or something / / / /

& to nite / he says

i miss you / & i say / you never say that

& he says / but i always miss you / & i say
you never say that / /

& he says / but right now / i'm really missing you

& out side i hear the trees shoosh / oh
how i love wind / always / some thing on
the wind / & if some how it could talk
& if some how / i knew how to listen

& there are critters in the yard / skunks &
racoons / make rounds / sniffing for crumbs
fallen from childrens hands / + i'm certain
they nibble on the bread ends in the compost

& compost / such strange stuff /

oh the things which grow in that box

hidden / deepest part of the back yard

i see
potatoes / the odd sun flower
& onions / most lee tho / it turns to sludge
rotted / oh turn that pile over / & can you believe
so many worms / so many worms / they / i believe
are happy with their lot / & so they / eat

& the crows come / fly away / fly away
come back black bird / & last year they
finally chased away / / raven / / tall raven

he is scary big / & really he's just looking for a free
meal too / he must / be an omen / some thing that
big / doesn't show up for no reason / / & just like that

gone / after the crows / chased & swooped down &
cut across the air / back & forth / one raven / crows
never alone / /

i wonder if he will ever come back / maybe he's out there
early morning / way before i get up / & maybe if i started
smoking on the back bed room porch @ 5 am / i might see
him / may be he's not gone @ all / /

the thing of it is / / i don't feel him / i don't dream him

& i am smoking grass for jesus / & jesus loves me
cause i'm mellow oh oh

*& tho i walk thru the valley of jesus

these mountains are high / & i am delighted to
be breathing the air

Thursday, July 07, 2005

& i /

& i will write a poem for you
but you won't know it /

& i will write words that can't be spoken
but you won't hear them /

& i will write poems for all the lovers
but / you won't love them


Wednesday, July 06, 2005

& say / go to sleep children

summer is here / & they begin to tick
on my side of the clock / this nite time stuff

& i resent sharing the dark with my children

& to day / to nite / the air finally warm enough
to coat skin / make sleep un comfortable /

mama we're too hot / i can't sleep / i'm burning up

@ 1 am / boys st.ill awake

& i am jittery from an evening coffee / dinner for one
@ the sushi joint on baker st / i sit / face / down / reading
my work / & jesus / help me get through this / for i
walk through the valley of the frightened writer

am i not good enough / / i trundle a long / keep moving
for ward / / spin with the earth / / cycle the sun

& i find more words / place them to paper

my reason for being?

so mosquitos can suck my blood / & so i can feel
the bottoms of my feet go numb /

i slap another one dead / scratch my arm

junkie / no /

& my mind flickers back to slow draw of the junkie's itch
& the rubbing / scratching / an itch that starts in the back of the throat

& i am not missing those days / / it's another one of those dreams
a constant fade of / fact / fiction / i can't remember when /

but i know / it happened / & when i say

i was a suburban junkie house wife pushing my buggy around the neighbour hood
belly full

the look changes / & how can i explain who i once was /

with a bit of laughter / / & how can i expain what i once did

i light another cigarette / the best defense / not that i'd call smoking a sport

oh cloud of blue /

& then i remember / i found my way to sanity

luck / for give ness of soul / fortitude of the worst sort

& st.ill on a late nite like this one

i wonder // crave a // small hit

& i wonder if my stomach would churn
& if i would throw up again / again / again

it was always like that

& i wonder if i would dream /
& if i would loose all fear again / again / again

he flags the needle / i clench my arm tight
squeeze fist

& i can't remember that any more
& i won't remember / what you look like

when you loved me / when i couldn't

but who wants to remember the pain

there are more pressing things / like summer
& how the strawberries ripen / a few each day
quick lee eaten / drawn up / in to hot sticky mouths

& you know / it's huckle berry season again
& the currents turn redder each day /

soon / soon / raspberries

& the children pick mint / chew lemon balm
pluck sprigs of chive / / they are the ones who
find lady bugs / & green spiders / keepers of snails

garden is the first world

& so they say / flower give off good vibes
happy vibrations / but it's their colours

i like

& the way mock orange / say it again / mock orange
sweets the nite air / & i wonder why white flowers
are more bright / right before dawn / why the scent

moves / folds me / in to /

all i can do is sigh /

no words to adequate lee describe
the almost cool ness of pre dawn / & the queer pale
blue just before sun rises / / & the way first rays
cut a cross / dew damp of morning / / & colour intensifies

there is a constant shuffling of bodies / turning in the nite
walls echo above me / / sweat covered / / deep sleep of growing

& i envy the body of youth / & all i loved / lost in my ignorance

it is not an easy travel / / which lesson was this

keep going for ward

& i ponder painting my toe nails / red

& how the big dipper moves to the north mountain
so quick lee / land mark of the sky / & / i will never get
lost in the desert

& out side my window / trees shuss / oh mighty wind
a breeze you say / & i love warm summer wind /
& so you should / you say / it cleanses my skin
sharpens my fine sense of season / you see / you say
it's summer again / time of high sun / & oh those dog days
consellation i can't find / & i saw you once / but of course
i can't remember when / where that was / perhaps it was
just a phone call / some thing like that / /

trees rise again / / again / i am fraught for words /
& the house breaks sound again / again / children tumble tumble
arms / legs askew / blankets tossed to one side / sheets pulled back

lost pillow cases / / oh the nite is warm / finally warm

& oh the nite is late / always late / & i hope

it's a really good sleep when i die / some thing solid
a good long dream / where i don't wake up again /again /again


Tuesday, July 05, 2005

the devil made me

& so / these words elusive once again

smoke / try to remember an hour of insanity
when all sense leaves the head / & mind
goes out walking by its self / such an odd thing

& i close the door to my office & light up
don't tell any one / /

& lost some where between rapture &
a bad decision / some thing quite stupid
entered my head / took up residency / stayed
for just a while / short while / long enough

for me to realize / that yes in deed /

i lost my mind / but it's not so much
losing it / it's finding it again

you know / & i goes some thing like that
a day with blue sky & sun shine / & a day
where reality / surreality / meet & in the middle

sit i

only i / & i am grate ful for summer
it's all i can say / there is nothing else
i can share about that / / /

except the smell of flowers is going straight
in side my head / / & @ night / oh i can taste
that smell / & there are a lot of things i can't
remember / but to forget mock orange would
be criminal / embedded for my ever /

i'm horny for you / it's almost obliterated by
static / bad connection / can you hear
me now / & life be comes / is / an advertisement
for life

funny how that is / /

& geezuz it's been so long since i've heard you say
that / / & i think / may be i'm falling in love again

i think about / the faces of my children / & i can't
remember what you look like any more / & it's strange
how faces fade from my mind / so hard to recall

& how i struggle to remember
the names of all the flowers in the garden
& how they get stuck / part way in / part way out
those damn words / always getting stuck

& just where did you come from any ways

quiet consternation toward some thing purple
growing in the back garden / / ah spider wort

sitting on a bench
before the cross of jesus

it's always the cross / & some thing
about dark & light crash ing up against
some thing about / the way street lamps
cast shadows / & tho i walk thru the valley
of shadows / /

oh it fails to make sense @ this point
it was laughter / wine glasses / incense
the riff tiff of high summer / when the long
days settle warm / & i wish i could go back
to that room / her bed / knowing what i know now

but death is ruth less / & i am in love with hope
every nite eventually be comes day / it's the rise
& fall of the earth spinning / with us

scrambling / ants i say / moving bustling

6 billion people shitting every day / what's in
your stomach / & who are you going to fuck
pro creation pushes urge

all these deep questions / reason for my being

what's in your head?

& time tells me funny things / 1:24 & i should be
sleep ing / bed always feels best in the morning
& the girl child in all her 13 year old angst / cranky
bitchy / i hate my brothers/ big scowl / arms folded
across chest /

this is my daughter?

st.ill / she creeps in to my bed /

& shall i / will i / ever remember a dream
& really what is the difference between
a dream & a dream / waking & sleeping
am i part way there yet / /

& see i dreamed / i straddled you
on the bench / on the street / under
the cross of jesus /

& see i dreamed / you kissed me
i kissed you ? / it's vague @ best
it's what i crave / some thing about
wet tongue / wet pussy / your hand down
my pants / /

& see / i am full of shit / idle mind is
the devil's / & i've been idley thinking

i'd like hands on me / some thing to cleanse


Sunday, July 03, 2005

garden me this / follow me that

& so an other day rolls by / past
it went past fast / / * tell me you don't remember

& again / i try / remember / what happened
& i know i folded 500 articles of clothing today
endless piles / &

i am

cold again

chill of a body not settled / a body

who wishes the weight of body to crush


& i am used to breaking all the rules / simply for get
don't go back / never remember / all those words said
for got ten


& tomorrow / pray for sun shine / blue / skies
there are things to be done / / the lawn / the lawn
to be mown / / & pansies wait heads down / for my fingers
to snap their necks / flowers / flowers / must grow more flowers

& i am grateful for pansies / they never disappoint / always gay
in colour / even tempered / some times leggy / back bone of the
summer garden / al ways a rush / a rush / of colour

& today / a poppy pops / red

& one can always depend on poppies to grow
where they like / & every late summer a million million
infinitely small black seed fall to the ground / mix with soil
disappear for winter / imagine freezing to grow / /

& grow they do / in some places fields of red /
ah the poppy / so much meaning to so many people

life & death / dream / & yes i dream of red rising up
in sea before me / so much spilt blood / & i know nothing

not that kind of fear / & how death comes in so many ways

& my scalp hurts / pains from long hair tied up too tight
a reflection of the person / perhaps / tied up too tight in
the head

& you know / / he / / crosses the mind again / some time
just a shadow / the smell of mock orange / & how sweet the
air smells this time of year / & every one bitches about the rain
but i don't care / /

air is clean / warm enough to tolerate /
& the garden grows / up up / currently i'm in love with fox glove
but it can't be helped / one would be a fool not to love poison & beauty
all wrapped up in to one / & grow taller i say / & every where in the garden
sun flowers / start to sprout / reaching reaching / /

you see / my plan was this / i sent the children in to the garden to plant them
a few varieties mixed together in red plastic dish / / we did this a few times

suprise factor / / one nevers knows where the flowers grows
when the children have been planting / /

& i think / perhaps tonight i will sleep / & i know / on & off
& the difference between dreaming / & cusping on thought
& may be / tonite i'll only wake twice / & i know better
& yeah / always tired

so it doesn't matter / comfortable in this body of discomfort
we all live with pain of some sort / & why take it on / & st.ill

it presents it self / like this / like that / & i hold out my hands to you
& wish / to pray / but i'm supposing / it wouldn't help any way

& why not just smoke it away / make it move some where else

& all i'm interested in is a certain caress / but i can't remember where
i put it / /

& i wonder if i could just blow off my life / & a car load of drunks drives
by / yelling / & i'm thinking i'm tired of yelling / i come to the time in
life when i want whispers & gentle talk / not so loud / i can't take it any more

& i kinda like having my voice lost in my brain
it used to scare me not to talk / / / now i wish / / wish

silence /

& see / i think the flowers are talking to me again
i could of sworn i heard a whisper / hush / a rustle / noise

may be it's the daisies talking / / they're every where these days
cloaked in such lovely white / & they look about / yellow eye
un blink ing / curious / that's what i'd have to say / just plain curious
they want to know what's going one / / / who's say ing what to whom

gossip / i'm sure it's gossip / st.ill / they seem to know
who's been sleeping with who

& i'm sure a little whispering of love between friends
shouldn't bother them so much / it's all in the eyes i say
every thing you need to know / is right there in those yellow eyes

& the soles are numb again
& soul searches for it's sole
can't feel a god damn thing

& i must be come / numb / complete the cycle of

this late night /

Friday, July 01, 2005

how's this for strange luck / or is it?


Current Rankings
The most frequently used terms
in the Blogosphere analyzed
in (almost) real-time
1.Last night
2.Benedict xvi
3.Quote of the day
4.Star wars
5.Kentucky derby
6.Part ii
7.Good news
8.Happy birthday
9.Paul ii
10.John paul ii
11.Happy mother

and in the number one spot:

  1. night air releases me
    Published 2005-04-24 23:02:00
  2. Thursday night

    Published 2005-04-28 23:31:28
  3. The Fateful Night...
    It’s a story of the time When life was really a bore Goodness and laughter littered the world And life was sweet enough to be sore. Life of simplicity and rustic Rare as it was for anything new happening As birth and death laced the cycle The village folks for weeks kept chattering. It wasn’ [...]
    Published 2005-04-29 18:25:00
  4. So Martin was on t.v. last night begging to be allowed to govern
    Wait, what? He was TRYING to govern these past 18 months? SHOCKER. Seriously though - the whole exercise was embarassing for everyone. Martin pleading to be allowed to continue his quote unquote mandate; Drool-cloth-wearing Harper, lusting after power so much he had to have been wearing stretch [...]
    Published 2005-04-22 13:52:00
  5. We spent the night parked on the spit. It was a m...
    We spent the night parked on the spit. It was a million dollar view. It cost $15, but it was self-serve and nobody checked on us. I don't think the camping officially starts until next week, so maybe nobody is working. These mountains remind me of the logo from Paramount Pictures. The line [...]
    Published 2005-05-04 14:35:00
  6. Owww! You know what I did last night? Well I'm go...

any ways / that would be my blog / it's kinda creepy in a way

+ all the links on the home page all just come back to the main page
they cannot be contacted / ect / it's a bit weird / /