Tuesday, February 28, 2006

last hour of a 28 day month / / & for you / no thing

out side lays / dirty february / void
of words / slush fill ed / oh yes / the
snow fell / oh yes / rain came too

it silenced me / broke my voice / circled
my head / /


i think / the rain thot / it could find
march / hiding / mysterious lee / or not
under heap ed up snow banks /

it was try ing to for get
winter death / long ing for escape



oh yes / st.ill / long ing for escape

(beat)

it never goes a way






/

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

the dish washer's gift of words

All men should strive to learn before they die,
what they are running from, and to, and why.
~James Thurber








/

age old / i have be come your hands

heart / is

a place no one can talk about / it goes beyond

love / the slick ness of sweat / sweet taste of life

i am not / heart / only stone / cold they say

an anger press ed down / fill ed up / w sad ness

& simple they say / there is nothing to dying

i don't remember being born / i scarce lee

remember / touch / core thing / that / heavy hand

of / now you've for gotten / & i get up & leave

always leaving / once / last time / /



yes / the days are getting long er now / sun shines
over the mountain / air / frozen roads / ice to remind
we st.ill move a round / this year / next year / & i keep
next year's plan to my self / no sense sharing with the dead

Thursday, February 16, 2006

losers & other / folk lore / why i hate harmonicas

don't feel much like writing / to nite
pins / needles / & other assort ed / ah
sharp pains / /


crzy to poison one's self / drink me / to death
& the hang over / cost of a party / cost of
losing one's mind / buzz ed on happy

yes / 2 days after the wake / one lost week

one long week / / happy to have this one
be hind me / / three two one

& i count you back in again / / /





& i'm sorry for my loss / many loss es / late lee
every thing seems to slip / my hands are empty
heart feels / stung / bite me here / & you know what


i give up on you


giving is / a good thing to do / i've decided / & the
purge comes / slow lee @ first / i do anticipate a full
shedding / gone gone / broken hearts all ways heal

heart is not broken / simply / mis placed / abused

& i am the cross / / oh so cross / so so so

& you know / crzy people don't ask

/ don't tell don't tell

it was the strangest thing you see / to let you go
you you you / who are you / who were you

ah dead dead / dead to me / / i walk past ghosts
can't see you any more / invisible now /

funny how all things come to an end / finite / we are
all / finite /









& the jaded go on being / used / up



tired of the games / convenience
yes / handee / yes / hand dee
jump on / jump off /elevate
your self / story goes round round
& i could get off any time / but i've
been told / it's up to me / / to get off
one must stop

press ing down so hard / it's a crime you see
one repeat ed daily / millions of times

you see/ the jive don't do me / words don't work


won't won't / & you see / some people have a story
a low amount of / aspiration / what have you be come

& the answer was / is / no thing / i've be come /
that's all / /

Sunday, February 12, 2006

keep moving thru it / things to do /

on this night / sick ness sets in
throat be comes / raw / sore

what is this / & one child coughs the deep cough

coff coff / bark bark / & could it be / dust
from the city streets after a winter of sand ed roads

air is grey / these days / sky clears / sun shines
but the air / thick thick with clouds of dust


could this be the ill ness / or is it /
some thing more omminous /









& some how i am / full of regret

for words said /thots of the mean est kind

& i don't wish to be un kind / ever / & yet

some times / the anger / seethes / rises up to

the surface / comes from the heart

most lee / it comes from
// that place of pain //







& i'm final lee learn ing how to give things a way

all those / precious / bits of no thing / things that

collect / things with no mean ing / mean ing / less

yet / so fill ed with / bits of me








& the thermometer reads / minus 4 c

dry crisp nite / too cold for smoking out side

oh yes / i'm full of it to night / /

& i'm hoping i haven't got the bug my child has

burnt throat / / /


& my connection to the world / wide / web

falters / freyed @ the edges / /





& i keep having conversations with the dead / /






is there really any difference between / me / them







& so i receive as my gifts / from tam's apartment
an old tuba (garden ornament) / mouth piece & keys miss ing for ever
a cement mask to hang in the garden / a book / a conte' drawing of tam
framed / drawn by a local artist / his last work / to match the drawing of
big g /when he was five / also a conte / that already hangs on the wall
it was the one piece of art no one want ed / so i got it / / i also received
a cream colour ed suede jacket with fringes / &

his black cow boy boots / only worn a few times
he bought them to be buried in a couple of years ago
/ / but i guess didn't tell any one / they
cremated him yesterday / /


they are a size 12 / much too large for me / /
not sure what to do with the boots / /






the tuba sits in the middle of the garden on a hump of snow
my five year old put it there / /
i can see it in / the almost full moon light
blue / every thing is blue / shiny blue snow / funny moon







such a strange week / time less / fast it went past fast

consumed by thot / the last visits / the last conversation
that should have never been / how he rose thru the fog to chat
one last time / struggle / yes / a struggle to find the words /
the ones to say / good bye / a few times over / /



i'm wait ing for a funeral / for valentines day / for the wake
i'm wait ing for tears /


or not / /


wait ing for this / to be over / / /













& as i pause on this late nite / i think of 2 others who died a year a go

a mother who took her child's life / & then her own / /


& i feel the sad ness of the one left be hind / / what a long sad year
to come back to this / /




& i try to send thots of comfort / but there aren't any /
words never adequate / never / mean ing full / load ed
with / oh how the heart tries to speak / it's not enough







& this sad ness drains us / each / & every one / with a story
a death / or 2 / things that can not be contain ed /
carry this burden of memory / sorrow / things / lost













& so / i wash laundry / loads & loads of turn ing spinning

end less / / piles / / & the dry er dries dries / spins as well
as the wash er / end less / cycle of / this life / this week /








/

Thursday, February 09, 2006

& we are a live / / if only for this moment /


& so / nite pass es
in to / day / & some where
you rise / thru / the fog of drugs
& find your voice / sort of /

it's difficult to say good bye
it's difficult to see how a live you are / st.ill

& tho you can't speak / laughter gurgles up
de light / of sorts / your face smiles / & you
yes / you / my junkie friend / ah who would have
thot / it would end like this / you with a wet rag
wrapped around your head / face / oh your sweet
face / pinned eyes / you look so stoned / i say

love / i / love / & you say / i love you /

bitter sweet / / child like / you've be come
& i tease you / laugh w / you / be silly / b/c
what else is there to do / & you raise your hand
your arm / search ing for / what / a cigarette you say
& you try & you try / to say / let's go for one more

lol


crzy dying old man / / / & so


morn ing turns to 5 am / & you die
draw in one / last / & ah / we had
some good times / did n't we / yes
it was a love lee time / thank you
very much















& so / this day / yester day lasts for ever
& this day / be comes time less / & i have
not slept the sleep of the dying / & i told you
how lucky you were / you get to have the big sleep
& i wish i could sleep / so tired / this mother of 6
a week of / /

oh yes / i could sleep / if only i could set my mind
to it / this fog of / cold / clear /days / sun finally
comes / bright / some how / it rose / impossible lee
high er / in to the sky / above the mountain / this bit
of after noon / elusive / & we chase it

i go walk ing / stay out of the shadows / & the wind
be comes bitter / north wester lee / pins to the skin
ice





& they say / the infinite / they

say / the planets are align ed

& every thing is hectic / no one

is sleep ing / they say / & i say

oh / the moon is bright to night

& the big dipper / rises high once

more / turns about / / not stand ing

on it's handle / on the mountain top / any more


yes / one important thot / which is complete lee

mean ing less / / /

very bad things / /some nite i will sleep /


there is nothing to write

death / the prospect of

consumes / oh i'm so tired now

i wonder / what it's like to sleep

the sleep of the / dead






in stead i watch / chest rise & fall
a mouth that no long er speaks

messages garbled / can you hear me
loud & not so clear / lost in


a morphine buzz / / ah sweet death
welcome me / take me / from this
dry est mouth / mouth so so so










& i'm think ing / / i don't like

i wish / /

i'm think ing / /




nothing fits / no thing describes


i'm wait ing to / i'm sure the tears will come


it's time for a cleansing / /

it's time / for sleep / my own


intangible thing / that 'it' is

now i lay / me down to sleep

keep those fucking christians a way from me











& so we wait / / hope / send thots / he pass es in
the night / early mourn ing perhaps / tomorrow it
will be over / /
i tell teena that if he dies in the night / not to call me
until morning / let me sleep i say / let me sleep



ah / what does morning bring / what does another loop
another turn about the globe bring on a tuesday morn

& i hold my own little chain smok ing vigil

pot head that i am / / ah the humiliation






@ some point / i have to let the grief wash me



i have to


grief / come cleanse me / what is this lesson


& my eyes remain dry / so dry / like his mouth





& he's sad to be leaving / / /













have a safe trip i tell / travel safe

be care full / / what else / there are no
other words of comfort / / / only letting go
so hard / / let go i say / let go







will i die like that / mouth hang in agape /
gasp ing for air / / groan ing / / so fucking high
on morphine / all sense leaves / desire be comes
implausible / / ah the death grip / how long must
it grab & hold /squeeze the life out of him

hurry now / don't take so long /
& death just laughs / / patience my dear
patience









/

Sunday, February 05, 2006

more on room 315 / / hate is such a strong word

emotional / to get thrown from the hospital
b/c of giving pot to a chronic cancer patient who
will be dead / soon /soon


dr. says / yes / good to smoke pot
cigarettes / sure / unofficially tho
he winks / the nurses wink / just make
sure the windows are open

& then pyscho bitch / g/friend shows up
& @ another attempt of cuntrol / & martyr dumb

has moi ejected from the room / POT HEAD
she screams @ me / / LIAR / LOOKING FOR A
PLACE TO SMOKE / /

uh / yeah sure sharon / what ever you say

the only place in town i can smoke weed
is in the hospital / / / ok what ever you say

crazy bitch


& in the other room / he is / dy ing /

so happy to smoke a joint /
so happy to have a visit
so happy to have poetry read aloud

un til

the cuntrol freak shows up


nurses take me out / stand in a
semi circle around me / arms cross ed
ah holy cross


you broke the rules / no smoking
this is a hospital / people have chronic
lung diseases / it's illegal / you are bad
consider your selve warn ed / personae non gratis
we'll be watch ing / /

how terrible of you to come in here & disturb
the family & the patient like that


i leave / / /





scary thing is / she set me up
the day before she opened the window
got an ash try / just make sure the door is
closed / he's allowed to smoke in here
just keep it hush


yeah / until she runs down the hall screaming
for a nurse

warn ing warn ing / beep beep beep / drug addict
in room three fifteen / /

she's making the patient smoke again sir





i hate her




always dressed in widow's black
always crying on the end of his bed
always has a entourage of praying christians by her side

late lee / a photographer follows them / every where

as she flips her head / constant lee on /
ah / busy day of the martyr





it would be
easier / not
to go / to
the hospital



less pain full / in so many ways

the problem is

i gave
him my
word


said /
i'd be there
for him


she's so afraid / some one else might
be in the room when he passes / she
might / miss her glory moment





yes / make the man quit smoke ing pot
on his death bed / there will be no more
poet for you





& the last visit / ends in pain





/

Thursday, February 02, 2006

fuck ing hell / or / room 315



a three fifteen
not really / a four twenty



that's the number / ah / get it?
the number on his door / death's door

silly death / ready to walk thru @ any moment






& i'm sorry your head hurts in side / sorry
you have to die / i under stand tho
you are tired / of this / body / that refuses
to mend / /



death is a bitch

& tho i walk thru the valley of
the end of your life / i think i'll be okay



yeah / i think i'll be okay





& i wish / i could have found a poem
the courage to find a poem / some thing to
read to you


& young artists become the old / cutting edge
now cut / / & be yond / /

& the finest of the fine / gather @ the foot of your bed
artists who've honed their craft / have found
some how / a comfort in / be ing / be gin a gain


the imminence of your death / now final

days / day day day / / / / / & then what ???
















i'll crawl in side / my dark space / mourn


tears will spill / go on / be yond
the grief






i'm a fraid / to miss you



yup / this ain't no 4:20















face like a cherub

round / twinkle / & some thing stirs

a trickle / a flood / perhaps








/

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

tylenol kicks in / may be sleep to nite / / /

so i hide / on the floor of
the / bath room


it's not so bad in here / on the tile floor
pillow under my butt / space heater @ my knee

fills a need / of sorts / need to smoke in side
on this cold nite / need to weed / /

& i enjoy / break ing the rules / in a moderate
sort of way / need to come in / out of / the cold







& to nite / snow / assault of flakes / 6 inches
in 6 hours / / oh / snow falls heavy / sticks
to the power lines


covers / coats / settles / waits for spring
waits for the slow change to ice / / oh /
& i am / a lone in / my addiction(s)


gawd i hate smoke ing / / no / / i take that (it)
back /

i relish / the taste / some times / smokes taste
so good /

& the thot / just occurred to me / / some times i
wish / yes i do / some times i wish / i could just
crawl in side / the music / / be (it)


current lee in to / boards of canada / ether real
or wuz it / e the real / yeah / put that in yer pipe


smoke it / i say / smoke the music / swallow it whole



& i / straighten out / my back / sit tall / for get

every thing i've ever known / toss out the paradigm



& believe / be ing /





the floor is cold / tile / all ways cold / /

& prefer / heat to cold / bare feet to boots

yet / this time of year / i only wear shoes /
from the moment i dress in the morn ing
un til night removes them for bed


i like / my feet off the floor















i real lee like my space heat er














& i / love / my sins / of / my heart

heart / such a crazy place to be















except / my heart / traded places with cold


& i look in to the warm light of the mirror

candles burn / orange light / soft glow /
of


fuck i hate the human condition /




& my shoulders burn / ache from
shovelling snow / hands blister ed
from the handle / / & now for a moment

quiet of new fall en snow / / trees weight ed
heavy / branches touch / reach for the ground

encased /

power lines / solid white
cords / strung thick /
telephone pole to telephone pole

ever thing is / hidden / only to be imagined













a gain





& oh ho / we thot there was no winter
any more / so mild / such a strange rainee winter


& then / winter fell / from the sky / / build ing
lay ers / up on / lay ers /










& to nite / this is the body / that pains me

hands argue swollen / wrists tang sharp needles
back dull / shoulders burnt rank / /
price of exertion




such a strange look ing word / exert / shun








& one supposes / one should go to bed / this

late nite / but i haven't slept in nite & nites

only wake ing / own lee / a wake / hour by / oh
every hour / be comes it's own / night mare / of
a dream that never occurs / there is / no deep
sleep / / & i wonder

why / the body aches / / no thing repairs / / /
no / restoration / rest or a shun / /





so i smoke pot / / take 2 tylenol pms


with any luck / sleep will come / / with any luck















posture / remember your posture



back straight / shoulders / back




& a slight wind / of winter blows thru
the open window / plays with the candle flames

& i find muscles on my back / ones for got ten
but / there they are / tight sore /
















& late lee / i rebel against this / poet
self / absorb ed / this is not / i've decided
these are not poems / just words of a crook ed
mind / one who can't sleep /





one whose face / ages in front of the mirror

who / be comes old / time / pass es / not so long
a go / i remember / / & this year be comes last year
is gone now / yes / i'm full lee in to / the cycle of the
seasons / with anticipation / of every spring that will
ever arrive





can't you feel it too / i'm certain / it's not just me
spinning around this sun / be come ing / in fin ite


& i know / there are places in the world i will
never visit .










i know the pain will eventual lee dis solve me
until i am / no thing / a gain



nuth ing . . gone / the leaves


& see / i'm of the mind /

soul journey happens in this skin

this time a round / what i'm wonder ing

does / soul survive / exit out of this skin















/