unconscious mutterings

1. Stuffed::full
   
2. Armstrong::sore
   
3. Bruise::black circle
   
4. Content::xrated
   
5. Musical::us
   
6. Assistance:: what i give
   
7. Scrambling::eggs of my life
   
8. Battle::this fight
   
9. Extended::time
   
10. Discount::must be broken
    

http://subliminal.lunanina.com

things i wrote this past year / / these last bunch of poems

they say / 3 days after the asian tsunami

“. . . the shaking was so powerful it even disturbed the earth's rotation.”

“. . . we found several thousands in the water”

/ wet
against the sand / they were
team ing / hair float ing wet /

think about all that
wet hair / /

        wish i could describe the light as it
        bounces pink & grey off the cloud
        settled in the valley below /
        in front of me / winter cloud

Ø

“. . . the earth rocked on her axis from this earthquake”
“. . . her after shocks left us vibrating”

a jolt right thru me / you / did you feel the earth shake

did you know it was happen ing

no / i suppose not / not until a few hours later
when the wave hit the shore wash ing you
& every thing else a long with it's magnificant power

“. . . power of a million atomic bombs”

one hell of a wave

Ø

hang on hang on / that's all you could think
before you went under the shell of blue
oh that indian ocean / such lovely blue water

& the fish / the fish / can you imagine them
rush ing past your head / touch ing your face
skimming a long your back / swimming with
a school of fish / such beautiful blue eyed / yellow with stripes
certain lee those fish / flip flip flip / bodies shiny glint
of
not sure what to do / / fins a rapid motion
of /
swim with the wave

in in in / rush of ocean / rooms fill with water
up up up / to the ceil ing /
if you can only hold your breath / it will be ok / /

so you don't /
you just give in to the shock of drown ing
as the wave / oh that wave / it pulls you /
back to the sea / out / in to the water / gone to see

Ø

is that death you wear so
well on this late december nite / / remember:
winter has come again / face face to the sun

remember / / mother earth / she's one mean bitch
you want death / i'll give you death
an enormous disturbance for mass consumption / /

& after / bodies pile up
so easy to call them / bodies /
arms & legs askew / bent / bloat ed /
heat creates a quick rot / stench of dis ease
did you realize your body was a vehicle
of pestilence

ah in death / i am nothing / /

tell me
when did you know it was
time to come out of the water /
time for your soul
to leave

tell me
when did your spirit rise

we got our year /

i am / touch ing the floor of in sanity

& you are turn ing white again /
face / eyes / your skin
thin white skin / you
blend in with this december nite

& i am in grief / a pre conceived notion
last spot devotion
ah / & these words look odd again to me

she says / no it wasn't a stroke
it's brain cancer / / he's getting confused
body an explosion of / muscles gone a stray

he couldn't remember
what he was talk ing about
@ all

& this bird thinks / / i'm the symptoms
brain refuses to remember any more
i can't remember / gaps
perhaps it's only tired ness

you are / so brave my dear
just deny death / /
you’ve been near there before

i wish i coul hold you to gether
wrap a band aid around your crown
/ & say / / it's gonna
be okay / just fine / just right / right as rain





i've never felt closer to death than i do right now

some thing about getting old / body breaks down
failure to for get / remember / how organic we really are

cancer / reminds me of mildew in the garden
leaf rot / spreads / covers the leaves
in brown / black spots / back to the ground

what cancer cells do / they travel





no meaning

& the words lose all mean ing

fine fine
carry on
every thing is
fine fine

eyes pinned from the morphine
kills the

yes we know what it is - name thee: pain
yes we know what it is - name thee: can sir

god damn it

& the body breaks again - -

lay ers of snow

a hot bath cures the cold / water sweetened
with epsom salts / hippie scented oils
rosemary / peppermint / & clary sage
to ease stress & agitation

steam forms in circles on the large windows
this is how wealth is measured

peel away layers of sweaters & tee-shirts
pants & long-johns / underwear & socks
step up over & down / into the cast iron tub

hot water softens calluses
wrinkles fingers / laves away
unpleasant thoughts / anger
& tears / the confusion of love

how much does a heavy heart weigh &
what is the temperature of a cold heart
with my toe i turn on the tap marked H
skin isn’t nearly red enough

when we were junkies
we went to the steam baths on east hastings st.
we would sweat it out
try to cleanse / steam away the pain the aches
return to normalcy

eyes closed arms crossed / i hold my breath &
go under / pretend to be somewhere else

excuse me / i'm not here right now
could you leave a message / i'm waiting for snow

the year is over / washed out
blue sky hides behind clouds & gray
autumn now / brown & worn orange

earth waits for winter / traces of snow
to hide the dirt / soften sharp lines / create silence
cleansing of another kind

a layer of snow to cover the pain
a layer of steam to melt it off again

it's all ways / a matter of / life & death /

& see / this is the way of baker s

a bit of spelt flour / a hand full of carob

home made granola mix ed / just for good measure

& butter / of the green est type







& i'm wonder ing / where the lone siren rising up thru
the valley / where it's going / & in our town
a siren is almost an occasion / all most a rarity / & geez
it could be some one / you / i know /

so different than the city / where sirens are / be come
a main stay / back drop / to the noise / / & if those
sirens were silenced / the city might cease being
some how if the sirens were silenced / the junkies
might clean up / & the cars would disappear
each pane of glass / in every building / would crash
to the ground as a / final protest

if the sirens stopped / all the lights would stay red
& there would be / no more left turns







& i am think ing back wards a gain /

a bout streets slick with rain / & melt ed
traffic lights/ & how a junkies perspective is
just a little bit different / than / your perspective

& in the bath to day / i think a bout those days
ah / the bad old days / sell ing soul

take it like a girl / my arms ache @ the thot
of / my stomach rolls / & ah / the nod

so much work / for the nod / so much work to stay
a live / to find the urge / / well / one cant
all ways go on this / that way / & no / not me

no more / i can't be that girl / be cause i've
be come / this woman / this person / & junkies
are like half hour old dreams / part lee remember ed
most lee for gotten / hazy @ best









& to day / death is all around / in finite / in it's kind ness

grate full with de lite / / dances / taunts / plays

games with my / head


& so i give in to / it / so hard to watch you die

grow weak / st.ill / the good / ah / fight it / /







but i'm think ing / it's not so bad / to die

some thing's gotta be peace full / / not beat en down

not beat en to death / / you see

no bombs fell / the air / st.ill fresh







& will light / does light / really conquer dark ness

not this time of year / when days be come nite time

choked out / by the pervasive ness of thick cloud

i haven't seen mountain tops in days / i for get

how the sun / feels / a gainst my face




& i am lost in thot / a gain / i am lost

in these days / of too fast ness /

& how the weeks roll / in to / what year

was that















& the air / drops / north wind picks up /
these are cold days / these are layers of clothing
hats & scarves / this is / me / for getting what
my skin looks like /

& i wait for snow / to bright en / fill the spaces

& this branch is bare / & this garden is finish ed














& it's quiet in the house that rock built

clock ticks in to mid nite / & dreams fill

the up stairs bed rooms /




































/

word search es that lead to my blog /

/



clouds in my eyes



marijuana poems roll it light it poke it smoke it





jeezuz fuck / /

i'm re duced to / clouds & weed


ah / let me roll it





/

reality tunnels / & bull shit /

see / it's not a bout con tent

it's a bout / words that don't look right
it's a bout / words / connect ed in all the
wrong ways / /


now per haps / if i wrote a bout

glass in my ass / / brilliant as it is

i'm sure / i'd find my shining /




excuse me / but / this is my reality tunnel

a hem







cloud lays low / thick /
we are lock ed / in to
/ this valley



& i can't complain /
when my mood / dark / low
kicks in / i don't/ do notice


i'm wait ing for snow
there is no thing else



a pervasive tired ness / i suppose
blurred / thot / circles / i'm think ing
in circles / un til my brain is raw



& i'm letting my head / bleed
for jesus / cause jesus fuck
it's gotta bleed for some one

& my eyes burn / a gain / &
a gain / this day is too much
& i am full of apathy & anger

loath ing /


& the mountains fold in / on me
this nite / dark / static











barren / the garden sleeps now /
the bloom is gone / slow rot of winter
be gins / & i am not invited / wish not
to be wit ness / to that which is dying


but i know it's there / all pervasive
comes in the form of winter / comes in
form of white phosphorous / fall ing
ah / the flames were shoot ing / up
a cross /

& shame full lee / i be moan this cold















see thru / to the other / side / my reality
tunnel / requires a few ghosts / you see
i don't see any thing @ all / / it's a feel ing
@ best /


some thing a bout / mass death / mass fear

& oh / don't for get the sad ness / this is not
my / sad ness / this is not my fear / / so why
do i feel it


earth full of genicide / & fools

sentenced to kill / each other
because / really / who gives a fuck /
violent crime / whats that / there is no
good reason to live / there is no good reason
to die / / & the violence / the fear widens
encompasses / all


but st.ill / my sad ness is no thing
compared to torture with drills
& beat ings / /


no / my sad ness com pares not













& i am safe / this side of mid nite /
no thing falls from the sky / no bombs
not even snow

the wind / bare lee blows / yes safe
under a lay er of clouds / /





/

not / good enough / glass in my ass / fuck conservatism /

needles of the dry est sort


& this garden holds sad ness / season finish ed
the bloom is gone / the bloom is gone

my child cries a million tears for his miss ing father
grief consumes / consumates / this is
thursday / friday /

i look for a metaphor in fall leaves
oregon grape / spiney / prick my fingers leaves
shiny green / turn vibrant red / rot / crimson decay

i pick a pile of thorny autumn colours
9 of them / stuff them in an empty cigarette pack
they poke holes in my thumbs / rip the

skin on my hands / / some how
the leaves remind me of
love

& some thing snaps in the brain / / a signal / / words to go
back / wards / back
don't tell
mary wouldn't tell / instead / she'd ask god what to do /
you know / & god / good god / he'd say
you haven't done any thing wrong
now get down on / your knees

& oh / you are not god

on the lawn a patch of shaggy manes / mush rooms
crush ed by small boy feet / jump up up up
& down / flatten ed /
mush rooms turn to ink / black sludge
skid across the lawn / / heavy morning dew doesn't help

& that wet morning sun / october. say it again / october
& that wet morning sun / strays weak through pine branches
so pale / & the lawn sits / heavy / wet / green

blades of grass begin to yellow / yey yo / amarillo /
air flush with orange / it all becomes / mountains a fusion
deciduous / coniferous / even the pines & cedars /
drop autumn needles of the dry est sort


bundled in string

after days of static freezing
dull quick / snap snap / enough
to break branches / it warms

catalyst / one heavy snow fall
turned to rain

sudden lee / earth is alive with thaw
4 degrees C is enough to shrink snow banks
create slush / mush & other good ness

steady drip from the roof / over flows
eves troughs / melted winter seeps down
through the snow & in to the ground

today orange breasted finches twist & turn
flit over the yard / land on thin twiggy branches
of mountain ash
the tree st.ill heavy with red berries

even a few fat black flies / sluggish from winter
venture out in to the spring like air
they land stupidly on the snow / certain death

ah but for a breath of warm air
one can almost smell fresh earth &
feel the tremble of flowers waiting to burst

taste spring sweet sweet spring

& damp closes in / fog / clouds too close
to the mountain / a different chill
from sub zero / clings to clothing / dampens
ear drums /

on the back porch / 7 chakra bells chime in time
with the whim of the wind / each tone distinct / clear

each tone / high / melodic /
merge / to gether / harmony of weather




these are clouds

& see / this day is gone now
taken by night / covered in clouds

fog creeps / slick with rain
black road be comes / shine of danger
go slow / can't see the sides / the end
the corner / of the road
night / deceiver of eyes / plays tricks

yes tricker ee / watch for ghosts
on the side of the high way

you see / this body twists pain
un control able / twitch / tight en of the back
shoulders / high & taut / ribs knot ed
mind manifests / tests / what strength lacks

/ / immaculate perception / /

so the rain stops / but clouds remain
ever present / whisps of white moisture meld

a gainst mountains / & lay low a cross
valleys / clouds change the land scape

to dream scape / if one can get past the chill
colour be comes staple / reds blast out pinks

mauve strays next to the greens / trees black en
& every where / yellow turns bright est yellow /

& i'm wonder ing / the sun the sun
where is the fuck ing sun?

it strays / waits / patient / who cares
it's shin ing some where / just not here

sky is all ways blue above the clouds




my own offer ing / blood for me / / where were you / when you were / where you were

& funny how / / when the blood sets in / /
the mind / stops / sinks back / &
certain lee / my thots / are all there

lock ed down / a bit of intro spection /

& i am feel ing odd / a gain / cold a gain
try ing to figure / out / out / i'm sure
there was a path / here /

over there / / & it's quiet in the house
rock built / sleep deep / little heads
sweaty bodies / grow / grow / in to
the nite / & how i wonder / children


lock ed in dreams / un conscious /
& night be comes / black / moon slenders
ah / last quarter / & on our street / shadows
take over / eyes dim / / steady crunch


crack of leaves fall ing / dry yellow / first
casualties of a new season

& i'm think ing / i'm going to start plant ing
shoes / fill the garden with old sneak ers /
worn out winter boots / broken sandals
certain lee / the children won't miss them

see / the blood does that to my mother mind
stretch es / truth / blinds the eye / ah / follow
the body / tick toc / mind crazy / thinks /
well / isn't that strange / constant lee wonder ing
where i've got ten to

to day it was the garden / just a short circle / one turn about /
tomatoes / ah / beans / st.ill / strawberries / ah / ever bear ing
one to relate to / in the back garden / one stubborn canterbury bell
refuses to lose / the bloom / / all i can say is / thank goddess
the sun flowers are so damn happy / & yellow /

tall tall / i'm trying to reach the sun / see how it falls
so close to the mountain now/ see how south it moves

@ nite / i only stare @ the north sky / take comfort
in my dipper / watch / amazed / by 5 am / it stands
complete lee on its handle / balanced on elephant mountain

& i want to imagine / it's the sky moving past me / not
me / moving past the sky / & oh / i could move heaven
for you / see those stars over there / /

those are all for me / /

three november nites - verismo in b flat

this moon stays large for a very long time
long enough to cool the earth / frost heaves

all things dead in the garden / crunch under boot

snow is odd this year - it comes & goes /

sun fell behind the mountain @ 11:57 am
the day now a shadow of the mountain
cold blue

cuts through clothing straight to skin
ice i tell you it's ice
time to cover all bare patches / you got a hat
you should really wear a hat / /

two november nites / pianissimo in oh's

end of november shows up
cold blue bitter

& it falls / worried
dry snow / a million million flakes
of frozen time /

this earth never stops spinning

stop / stopped / stepped down /

i wish to dis em bark now / this ride's too fast for me

street light wears a white orange
halo / eyes burn / a glow / is this a sign

every thing holy crosses
a long the centre of my gravity

/ the bit between ribs & hips /

i wear this autumn sash low
to cover the scars / /

talk about perpetual motion
& honest tea / a shot of scotch
to loosen the soul /


daisies in my eyes
yellow centres / white petals
i'm blind ed by flowers


turn the music up side down
& follow notes a cross /
the page / clef be comes treble clef
strange lee / notation be comes
a beautiful

sound / yes / it skips in to my mouth /
down the back of my throat /
not / salt / but i do not / care /

b flat is the note of my soul





/

.the prayer of jensus.

jensus lost faith in the flock

the community of faith less

jensus kryst she mutters over & over again

blessed mother holds her hands up in pray er

pray er for the non-believer

pray er of the god less

church of the universe

bless ed is the smoke of nirvana

bless ed are we of the clean air

smells green in these mountains

bless ed are we of the yellow days & crimson leaves

not / ever / know ing / some thing like that

& so / it is late nite a gain /
hour of my / be witch ing

i love mid nite / & how it turns my belly
this way / that /way / /

it's the rest less / i can't stand /
feel ing in the back of my neck / a long arms
it's me / running / with my eyes closed



so i wait / patient / not so / patient &
one should be / what with the passage of time
all ways / fly ing / god damn it goes fast

be cause you see / things come to those
& i'm wait ing / not so patient lee

see / cause i'm think ing / one day time will happen
not this / constant distraction / of wait ing for the drugs to

ha / no thing ever kicks in /

& see / body craves / a wild / some thing





just doesn't know what /



/

that / i must accept /

---

fresh skiff of snow / reflects bright
blue moon nite / air smells different lee now

reminds me of you / taste of your mouth
wet / taken / not given / yes / this nite
reminds me of you / & how we haven't spoke
in what feels like / it was a life time / it was
a year

& it's funny / strange like / how a person
enters & leaves / lives / minds / souls

i have one of those you know / a soul of sorts
it's aching right now / ask ing all the wrong
questions /
i'm sure they were the right ones //

so i took / the hottest bath i could stand
soak ed un til / i could rub the skin off my feet
the steam / choked me / i cough ed my guts out
my lungs / my lungs / so hard to breathe / & this
cold / settles deep / thick mucus / /

so i smoke thru it / / oh yes / i try to reduce
& i do / substantially / but st.ill / not enough

what is this death wish


& yester day fell in love with some one else /
& yester day / the sun fell be hind
clouds / left me for winter / & i am surround ed
all a lone / common complaint / ah ail ment of
the dis content / i've sat @ home for too long now
hiding / from / jesus knows what /

& the strangest thing is how i go down town
for breakfast with friends / & how /

you / i /

i all ways see you / & i am gazing in to space
try ing to form auras around people / & i'm think ing
my skin / so white / from sick ness / i am death / &
am i surround ed by white / dress ed in black

& i'm try ing hard to see the wings on a lady
walk ing past me / & i look @ / him / a
stranger / moves to ward me on the street & i am
look ing / in to his eyes / hard / stare hard

& he be comes you / & i have no words / i am
death warm ed over / in a hurry / to be a way
from this down town / scatter of a tues morn

i drink mint tea / lick up the remains of cheese cake
fold laundry / smoke cigarettes

eat ing cook ies for jesus / gin / bea / oh steve
where did you go / & i've got to stop fall ing in
love with my self / / ego / / i think i have to kill
you / / & with that / i shut my eyes / /

& think / /


i've fail ed / / doom ed to name less medocrity

i didn't even grow wings / doesn't meet ing jesus
count for any thing / & i suppose it doesn't
perhaps / i wasn't meant to / fly / /


i stand naked / in front of the mirror / push my breasts
up / try to make / what a man likes to see / / i'm think ing

tape / i could tape my small breasts up / & pretend
i'm not pamela a / / & wonder how she does it / & see
it's not fair / how the ones with out brains / /

ah / this is my lesson / & i can't let go of /
it's not fair / & i whine my self in to / my own pit
of / des pair


it's a terrible place to write from / / but i do it any ways

these days / i hide from blogger / live in infinite fear
big g / will read my work / so i hide /

jack hides from republican bitch es / i hide
from my husband / be cause i wish to pretend /
make things up / & he just wouldn't under / over
stand / / & i am hiding from anon too / fuck i hate
that prick / al tho / i'm certain / i was a much better
writer once




& the cook ie / kicks in / /



& sudden lee / or may be not so

i think of my bed / & how the house
it lit by a crazy moon to nite / & i am

feel ing rest less / caged a gain
prison er of blood / ill .ness

lungs that won't breathe


& yes / these words are confessional

i'm wait ing to measure up / going down
in a blur / of lost in side / my mind / a gain

for getting to talk / for getting to answer
i go places / & they / children/ him / snap
their fingers / call my name / call me back


strange thing is / i don't know where i go
lost in gaze out side the window / eye ing
up the compost box @ the back of the yard
& a couple crows / sitting up high / bare trees
dead garden / skiff of snow




& if i could only make the words move a cross
the page / if only i could speak in tongues

my tongue told you once / diamonds on the snow
can kill a man / freeze hearts / / i never re cover ed














november brings / lowt of wynter

& the nite be comes / is / oh these
long nites / bitter / & even the smell
of damp is gone / frozen in to the ground
until spring / / this garden is gone







& so my grow ing frustration
lays in my lack of persuation

to convince my self / to convince my self
it's not the way it should be / it's just the way
that it is / /





/

all / the wrong places / pure hate / slight lee diluted

just stuff /

---

oh / to dream in colour

& i come in here / hide in stead
why not / it feels safe enough

to vent a bit / let it out / & how
i'm freak ing out /no not freak ing out
but there is some thing / my paranoid
mind can not put it's perverbial finger on


i think i might be fall ing in love with my
husband a gain / such a strange thing



these days / this week / last week
i wait for health to come / back
chest pain / i make my self sick
with smoke / & cold air in my lungs

& i wonder why / even tho i feel
this shitty / why i can't put out
the smoke / fuck ing smoke
i hate it too


hate full to day

cranky / bleed ing / all ways bleed ing
& every one / every where i go / seems
so / crzy / or weird / or some thing /
jesus fuck knows whats wrong with the
freaks & the geeks who roam the streets

ah / welcome to pleasant ville
population / 10 000 /



i don't even have the heart to slag the hippies
to night / / but i hate these dirty street hang ing
dope deal ing / thieves of the nite / / you see
they make 'it' all so obvious / / 'it' be ing
the crucial word

where once / mellow people / keep ing it cool
not too hard core / / but things change / times
change / lower east side comes to pleasant ville
this is cocaine for children / this is e for you
& this vitamin k / well / he ain't shar'en none of
that / / yeah the crazies are out / /

some thing about trees baring their bones
for all the world to see / / & the earth strips
down for winter / /

& see / they talk like crzy is / he says / i'm
see ing auras now on people / / lots of black
auras in this town / but some grey / / a few white
but they are not really auras / they are more like
wings / angels wings / i think i'm losing it

& i think / why are you wasting my fuck ing time
with this idiotic bull shit / / yeah as a matter of
fact / you are losing it / /

& every week i meet jesus in nelson / every week
there is a prophet / a revelation / & a story about
the dark ones / / & who am i / to argue with hey zeus



who am i / to argue / & the world seems hesitant
around me to day / these days / drivers who don't go
children cross ing the street in all the wrong places








/

tales of the / tall est sort / sun stories

& i suppose / it is better to live once

even for a moment / taste this damp air
let it be a live on my tongue / let night
fall be tween my teeth / & there is all ways

to morrow / shock ed the days pass so quick lee

& i remember days last ed for ever / /

now i find pictures of the children / not children
any more / / now i find sad ness / i wonder if i held
my babies enough / & how my old est child / tall as me
will not be carried in my arms a gain








so i dream of spring / with tired eyes open


& so many strange things / meet ings / un planned
people disappear / re appear / can't control the spin
of the / sky / i've lost the dipper / haven't seen it in
nites / can't control / the way earth shifts / complete lee
out of habit / she can't help her self /

with this many spins under her belt / auto pilot
& there is n't a damn thing / i can do a bout it

makes me crzy / & some how / i've managed
to hitch a ride / to what extent / / i'll keep hold ing
on tight / i like to imagine my hair / fly ing out be hind me
my nails dug in to the soil / hold ing on for / dear life

dear dear / sweet life


/

ah / my bliss

it's like

i dont know what poetry is any more

certain lee no thing i write / /

i'm ask ed the other day / are you a poet
i mean /do you write poems / actual poems
i mean / i know you write prose / but cant
you write rhyme ing poet tree /

no / all i can do / is / slash / slash / slash

i'm told / your writing sucks / / i'm told
i decide

apathy / a give a fuck attitude / /

& i claim these words as / my own






& the weather drops to
november dull / st.ill / birds chirp
anxious to colour the day / some thing
any thing / all that's left are the mountain ash
glee full / clusters of red hang from bare branch es

ridge of elephant mountain / now white snow
face of elephant mountain / milk blue / could swear
i see ever green / lost


& my legs ache / my muscles a twitch with
wry pain / one which loves to / love me

& why does the tree grow so crook ed / so paper
white /


see / life hasn't been the same since
nirvana walk ed thru this door of ethereal bliss
it was bliss / wasn't it / the clean air you said
the mountains you raved / all this fuck ing water




all this fuck ing dark ness / & yeah / i walk thru the valley of
all this fuck ing dark ness / & i'm wonder ing / where is light







& black blood creeps from body / drains
in to
i have no dreams / ah / it's a revelation
to wake & not remember / not remember a
god damn thing / /

& no thing comes back / no faces / lost names
oh / for get me not / how harsh words can be

& may be i should / just for get how to write them
for get how to say



you see / this is an exercise in futile

what did you think it was going to be

i thot / if i let my head bleed / my body
flow / well / i thot i would feel better

& did you

for a while / it ebbs / flows / there's
that word a gain / blood flows / i've seen
it pour / body is a crzy place

so what does that have to do with / well
you know /

no / i don't know / i don't have a fuck ing clue

with writing / fuck / how could you for get that

hey / i for get a lot of things / like / what i did
last week / & what did you say your name was a gain

hey / don't get personal / i prefer to remain name less

but whats the point of be ing name less / how will i know
who you are

you know who i am / you've all ways known

this is start ing to sound like episode 3

that was good wasn't it / i mean / episode 3

yes it was / excellent special effects / big noises
i guess i could just watch movies / in stead / fill
my mind with holly wood / stop this other bull shit

now there's an idea / you know / there's a lot of good
movies out these / begging to be watch ed /

problem is / i won't remember any of them / see i think
to really appreciate a good movie / it should be seen a couple
of times / plays & books are like that too /

so / your point be ing

there is no point / it's all point less / futile / i give up

no / don't do that / you're just tired / that's all

certain lee / it is a low point / you know / body crash es
mind soon follow's / what's to write a bout when i'm
consumed

true true / people get sick & tired / of sick & tired
try to write some thing happy / may be it'll get you over
the slump

slump / thanx

well / what ever it is / / you can't go on like this
it turns you in to a bucket of nerves

geezuz fuck / what a terrible image / i really should
stop writing









/

we of the for got ten / who cares any ways

& so / it is an

air of rest less /

tiny words / with no
mean ing / mean ing ?

well / i have no idea / seems i've slipped a way
a gain / seems i've got no thing to share / no thing

to say / /

ill ness folds / in on me

head thick with cold

sore body

a brain / that won't / can't / think

& i'm think ing / this is me ?

i don't like it / not one bit /

& i want to start over a gain / go back to 15
go back to 14 / start over / do other things



but / it's not / that /
there is no easy / only struggle




& i say / give me 2 million years /
i wish to circle the sun / end / less
i wish to be / for ever

& the doctor says / god won't let you die yet
& it's those kind of comments i can't stand
yet he says it with such a kind voice / good
heart / i think / this doctor /

& he gives me some thing / to take a way the pain

& it does / in a way / ah i'm the punish er /
with a masochistic tendency to ward
comforts / dis comforts / & the ill ness
trickles in to the lungs / ah / so hard to breathe


air so cold now / zero degrees / rain / snow
mountains / us / we are covered / in the morn ings
by after noon / it melts / only a reminder / don't
for get what side of the sun you're on /

winter side / for northern er's /