as my eyes strain in to

---

lay ing in the bath
i watch / sun set
eternal lee / orange
all ways orange

it lists further & further south
each day /

goes
a way for winter

& the sky be comes a residual
of grey tinged pink /
mountains now / foggy blue
old blind dog mountains
i wonder if they can see me

oh mountain / can you feel
this heavy heart i / carry
a feel ing i can't shake



all green be comes / black
twi light you say / no / night time
i say / & the day slips slips / i can't
stop it /






/

keep er of the garden / / other wise known as mommy

 

the why / never answer ed / / /

---

& sick ness / goes in to me a gain

fuck / i can't stand this / / own worst
enemy / & last night drink ing / smoking
a million million cigarettes / & to day


not good / / / /


& i plan my escape
st.ill all most 3 weeks a way


& i can't stand the sound of cars
revving their engines


&

he asks me if going to come home
if i go for 3 weeks / / i laugh / tell him
i might not ///




& i try to re main strong / know that what
starts / has to / end



& last night a drunk in the bar
de clare his love for me / tells me
i'm the most beautiful woman



i don't feel beautiful / any more

just worn out / tired / / my skin
thinning / i don't like it




i de cide . it's the cigarettes




but i keep smoke ing






& now i'm count ing days a gain
& st.ill wonder ing what you thot
of all the words /

& i am / oh yes / all ways mountains
out of no thing

& now / i'm count ing a gain
wish ing summer to pass / to pass
in to / september / / & i wonder
how sad i'll be in october / / /









how my / mind creeps up
makes me para noid / don't trust
my self any more / not good enough
or some thing like that





& blood drops from my body

night creeps up / cold / my body
is cold / & re fuse to give in
to actual lee look ing after my self


& wonder / do i real lee have a death wish

i must / i think / & i draw in deep











/

i'm leaving / going on a trip / gonna / hide

& this day of / morn ing of grey skies
clears / ah / sun shine / the sun throws
hot rays / burn ing the ground / /


in the distant / sky / heli hoppers /
gawd / the sky seems to be full of them
fly ing for fires / fly ing for / weed /

i hear it / the pro pellers / bupp bupp bupp
a deep groan / echos off the mountains / /



fills the valley with reminders / that some where
wars rage / & people are dy ing /


& bless ed be / to born a canadian
i think / good to be in the north for many
reasons / / / life could be / / so much worse



& all sounds carry on the wind to day
dis tort ed / & i am hear ing voices
a gain / but can't un der stand / a thing
they are say ing / / //



all / i know /

is / /











/

what the eye sees / reflection is /

 

three white flowers & a black berrie

 

why i can't bear to leave my garden

 

more / be fore i go / try to lose my mind

---

& sudden lee / flood gates open
words manifest / & i can't get enough
of the sun / /





i glean the last of the raspberries from the
dying branches / next years canes grow
tall / green / violent lee / taking over the garden


& i'm thank full for /
ever bear ing straw berries
sweet est taste /

if i were to die tomorrow / i'd know i'd
tasted the sweet est fruit of all / /


the slugs seem to know this too
as they bore tiny holes in to the side
of the fruit / leave traces of dried film
as testament to their travels / their tastes



wait for the phone to ring


wait for some thing to shift / some thing
to look for ward too / / try to re main
content in / this day /


why doesn't summer feel the same any more



& how i hate this slow encroach ment of my
age / lines creep up / & i be come dis satisfied
with the way i look / the way i feel


i feel as if / i'll never really be happy


& wonder at a lack of faith / in my self

& how / all talk / can makes dreams seem a live
but can dreams come to fruition / /



ah to ripen to full death / /like the raspberries
be come ing so full of sun light / they fall from
the branch es / or dry up / for the birds


& the five year old asks / where did the cherries go mom
why aren't there any / /

this is a child who believes
his soul lives in his big toe


& i wonder where my soul went
some where on the other side of the sun
the winter side / empty wait ing for the earth
to come catapulting / in to / ah the frozen time






in the dream


i buried my heart in a patch of dirt
in the middle of a sun scorch ed field


left it there / never to re turn /


& i be come agitated / pull weeds
to ward off / the pacing / chain smoking









3 days later / / i can't stop
think ing

can't stop think ing / / /






i wonder what this sik ness is / i suffer from
delusion / heart break / / dis satisfaction

& all the purple petals fall from the clamatis
brown / every thing turns autumn brown / & i haven't
seen september yet


i want to be lost in june / where did july go
this month is half over / i lost you



& i think this day is pass ing too
like all the others be fore / all the others
to come


& i think of my friends who've died
who'll never get this day / /

& wonder
why can't i feel bless ed

why can't i seize this day
& be okay with it



/

be fore leaving to shambhala /

i'm going to chill / take it real easy

---

forcing my self to write
is a very difficult thing these days

i would rather play solitaire
i've been on a bender for months now
count less hours play ing cards & squares


my other addiction / so easy to numb out
to a mind less game of cards / / oh there is
a bit of think ing / a bit of / making sense out
of things / it's a good analgesia / mixed with
several joints








the beauty of this / the beauty of what
i stretch out / cat stretch es / try ing to keep
the body moving / /















the drive to the air port / took no time at
all / the traffic moved a long the high way
with ease / the day / blue / spark-i-lee hot
re flect ed off the west arm of kootenay lake
as we follow ed it / wind ing thru the valley
to castle gar /

it felt like a day of travelling / only / i'd be
going no where / except back 40 clicks to nelson
he / on the other hand / this hand / that hand
would be fly ing to the city of angels /la la land /
like he has so many times
before / hundreds of times / on to / that plane

off to a world of the rich & the very famous

i'm so far a way from you / rattles thru my head
he tells me before going thru the gate / i love you
& kiss es my mouth / /





it's sweet / bitter / i / a lone
i try to for get who i am
where i've come from / the things
i've done / /


i can't be lieve the person i've be come



& i turn to every one & say

it's so hard to let you hold me in your arms
i don't want to be held any more / /






i keep stretch ing

& think a bout the dis appoint ment
of making love /


or not /


& i hold my own body tight / pull in
& smoke















it's a damn ing thing / be ing on a
suicidal / mission /

some days / i feel like i've arrived from
hell / a dark shadow of punish ment / pain



& tho i move thru the valley of
constant pain / i shall fear / only my self





& i clean house like a maniac /
take advantage of three children gone for a month

plan my vacation to shambahla this week end
what to take / for 4 days comfort



my heart pounds / / @ the thot of
4 days on my own @ a 10 thousand people festival



i'm going to chill / take it real easy






/

look in to my eyes / i'm serious / perhaps too much shambhala

 

me / in the morn ing / with my arm in my glass es / my heart on my sleeve / my head in the clouds

ah / welcome to paradise
it's only an illusion
all this /even the smile /

i love it when the sun shines /
but some how / i feel lone lee /
lost this morn ing / prolly
just the after math of /
too good of a time


the smile is forced / try ing to
look natural / did i succeed / i don't
know / /

over head / helicopters fly
loud lee / on their way to
some thing / fires / grow crops
a tour of mountains /

more garden / or just crazy for flowers

oh fragile poppy/ you are but a red memorycherry cherry / sweet tomatoe
more garden
echinacea

 

garden me this / garden me that

serenity

oregano flowers

garden thots

when echinachea first opens for bid den fruit
the centre garden

o reck less / now comes august

o reck less / lead me not in to
&
temptation follows / leads / takes me
hither / or was that





late lee / the air is full of smoke
fires are burn ing a gain / pine beetle
infestation / makes for good burn ing

all summer / be hind every mountain
flash es of light en ing /

some how / all that electricity is calm ing
changes the air / pulls me in to
the garden / / where the air is green

i've heard it said / flowers give off
good vibration / i'm inclinded to agree
as / i lose / my self / hose in hand
some where out by the raspberry patch
water ing / keep ing the garden green
fresh


it's temptation of the best kind / my hands
stain ed red from pick ing berries every day
the fridge is full of filled bowls / the freezer
fill ed with bags of frozen raspberries & cherries /

now / to make / jam
& jelly /


but i can't pull my self from the garden
long enough to wash jars / boil water
& can fruit / tend to all the things
need ing tend ing to / / i try to for get
the children / but they don't let me






@ nite i hide / out side / on the deck
smoking


i think / it's good that my husband leaves me
time after time / his travel be comes / my life


& i be come / o / reck less
can't remember where i've been a gain
deny the memory / trust me /

a craving with no name / honest lee
i can't remember / did i ever know / /




& one crzy situation after an other / dis appears
in to / the on slaught of days / fill ed with
these benign chores of mother hood /

o reck less /
it's the days that get me thru to
the nites

o reck less /
all ways wait ing for the
dark ness /

plan my escape / / most lee / i go
no where / /

a matter of death / last years poetry

a re post from april 2005

be cause / i had to change my profile / it was time
& i haven't written a damn thing in so long
@ least any thing i could post for public consumption
my private journal / remains / alas / private

i promise i will be back to blogging on a more steady basis
come september

/a matter of death

this day of april / sun strays constant
behind clouds /


this is the hand of cold
numb


& tho we walk through the valley of
spring / fear / we fear no evil

look death straight in the face
where else are you going to go

it's another phase / some where
between life & death / white


& i close my eyes again / wish not
to see / / & death crosses over

just one more time / / /




try to under stand what dying is

hold it / touch it / open your eyes
look



& i will fear no evil



late lee / i wake / late nite /
always cruis'en / up up a wake a gain
the ritual of the mid nite / late nite
smoke / body craves

i for get / constant lee / why 'm here
that i'm here / /




& some where between a point of light &
stars
who hang out @ the edges of mountains

the dark dreams ended / fell away

i stopped caring


really / i just don't care any more / who's got time
to think / when the brain is a series / too much spring cleaning
& a thousand corners filled with piles of life / & laundry
& children who cry / & eat / & need


&

this life is not over yet / & again


the words look odd / / some thing about the smell
of hospital / / antiseptic & cinnamon

the colour yellow / & a harp with one bad string

& once i laid in the shadow of your body
clinging to the cool spot between your ribs

but you suppose it didn't happen / & january
became march / april fell hopeful in to june

& time disappeared like the thought i carried
(eternal memory / i think it was) of a passion

of a kiss / a hand across the narrow path of my waist


gone / it was simply gone / & one day is was spring
& it's funny how when a feeling leaves / the pressure
to remember becomes irrelevent / & certain lee irreverant

i will fear no evil




it's the cut of your jaw i remember
the sun flashing off your teeth / white
the way you smiled / the crazy of your mind

& some times i smile / i think of the self
proclamation / assertion of belief & how in the end
i walked away almost beliving / almost considering
truth / / but i know you're not jesus
&

i know a lesson when i've earned it









but st.ill there is confusion about the
earth's axis / where i sit when i'm on this side of the
sun / & how can autumn even be close to spring
when one is living & one is dying