beauty / cold grip of winter / death

un de fine able / land scape

---

the snow / doesn't stop fall ing

fine mist of / silver dust float ing on
minus 10 / / & damn / it's cold a gain
& damn / the ground is gone from sight
a gain / /


a foot of snow over night / & very earth
i walk up on / dis solves / in to

my hands are cold





i stand out side to smoke / & hear
no thing / all sound soak ed up in
to the white / & i wonder
if the trees are cold



& i try to picture them / when the thaw comes
& every little branch / every needle / drips melt


but that's not to day / nor is it / to night

there is some thing to be said a bout
this side of the sun / how cold it is
how / un for give ing / /






/

when the dark days / be come light er

where's mommy's car?


look ing over the golf course park ing lot




back yard / where art thou?

from green to white / dark est nite / oh summer / where art thou

today

september

june

 

from the summer files /

10 shots later / the first pic was the best

blue steel / what a look / lol

 

yeah / / / / / you / / / /

& the snow be gins to fall / delirious lee a gain

the night / decided lee / white / black trees
the street light / pale ing orange / / every thing
disappears / like so much majik / in to / winter
solstice / one more month of easing in to
this side / of the sun







& i take the plastic wrap off / the advent calendar
i bought / try ing to keep up the tradition of
christian values / i try so hard to / re ject / yet
what can be said / a bout / re living child hood

& i buy one for my brother / mail it to him /
be cause / we shared the calenders when we were
children / & on the 24th / we would each open a side
of the door / a picture of baby jesus / under the star


oh / the stars / but there aren't any to night / &
i've seal ed my self / a way / i've decided / to
hide / a gain / lost in side / this house / with
these children / & we are sew ing by hand & making
felt wallets / & embroider ing / with bright lengths
of string / & these are the boys / sew ing on buttons
& thread ing needles / / /



but i / for get to cook / for a few days / we
are eat ing eggs & bacon for dinner / we are eat ing
canned soup & grill ed cheese / we are eat ing
kesadilliahs & chinese dumplings cover ed in
sweet chili sauce / / & the days are short
& the days are dark / & the days / / & the days
spin / end less / /









/

look ing / for / / / a muse ing

---

& i wonder how / to gauge
the smell of / cinnamon








follow me / hidden on the black tips of
snow / flakes / all those coming down out
there / & i pause to look out a late november
window /

& i think / a year a go / you were a live
but close to death


i know it's peer ing in / the window
now / watch ing me / like so many times
oh i feel you / all ways / /

thin lee / dis guised / as a man i once knew
for got ten / moment / / & a gain / i look out
over / what lies be low / my window / & the snow
falls with urgency / quick quick gather / you say

black as sinister / okay okay / i heard it call my
name /& i watch smoke coil / up round my head /
make me / sik / /

i watch / wait patient / / think & for get
all in one in stant /

the only memorable lines come
just as i'm fall ing / /

& it all ways has eyes
crook ed / laugh ter /& i am / sleep ing a gain

black dreams / night sweats
wave one white / finger @ me /

i all ways talk on the quiet
end of fall ing / snow / / /

dark spot

it was some thing a bout dusk @ 4 pm
the way the air smell ed / ah / smelt is how
i'd say it /& it's that rest less ness / of heart
oh / it beats hard like my mind /& i light an other
cigarette / & you know / i'm writing a bout you
a gain /



i hide in the dark /





you be come / every burden / every love
i've ever carried / / black hole / of why did
i do that / / & where were you / when i walk ed
on water / /


you've be come / each grey hair up on /
my head /















/

this door / don't score / no more

 

on a side street in holly wood / one can only wonder / what does it all mean

 

how a bout it ? / let's all try

give peace a chance

oh the purple one / / the stories i can't tell you

okay / so it's a funny day


i don't usually write journal entries
but




da hubby is work ing for the purple one
a gain / da little guy / as hubby refers to him
has a 6 month gig in vegas / which is great for us

b/c hubby only works week ends / in stead of be ing on
tour for 4 - 5 - 6 months @ a time







so i sign ed up to prince.org

& let me tell you / these are what you call / rabid fans
& part of me / wants to go in there & set them all straight
but / i don't want to be one of those people re fer ed to as
an "in sider" / plus / i guess it's not up to me to

ruin the illusion

any ways / / i'm glad i'm not ob sess ed with / famous people
& i'm just glad the fames like my honey & re quest his presence
& expertise & that my
honey makes good money to support me & the 6 kids










i can't be lieve / my life / the strange turn of events
how every year brings some thing complete lee different

how every year / only gets me / old er / more jaded /
oh / i'm no lost poet / i'm only lost

look ing for / a final bit / of warmth

---

notes from my garden

& @ 11 am the sun shines in to my yard
full / all most warm / making steam rise
off / the dew damp / oh morn ing frost

& yes ter day / grey rain / yes ter day
snow / falls / snow all ways seems to
come @ the end of october




& now / leaves fall / quick lee
ground ed / but even in death
oh / the rot is beautiful /


oh / glow on yellow / taint me
with your burnt reds / dying pinks



& some where / in the garden
geraniums / st.ill bright red / hot pink
resist / some how / nights dead lee frost

sun flowers / st.ill / face south / tall
tall / not ready to die / yet





every once in a while / wind rises
up / northern swirls of cold / tossle
the wet leaves / cling ing to summer





no / i can not fight the season

& i fall in to / quietude / let the
tired ness / consume me / & day
be comes / less / /










you see / i'm running thru my house
look ing for a hat with a brim / some thing
to keep the sun out of my eyes / i'm running
thru my house / look ing @ the corners / past
the piles / oh grim reaper of guilt / & i / per miss
my self / to write / out here in the sun / /



& thots be gin / never end / circle circle my mind
& it's that twinge be tween my legs / that never
end ing wonder of / / / but you see i've decided
it's better to stay @ home




better to keep the pain / confined to my chest





& i st.ill can't find the courage to quit












the sun / would be pleasant if / only
it would n't fall so far in to the south sky
setting limits on day light / / oh / this
axis of earth is enough to drive me /
& wild doesn't even be gin to de scribe
how this time of year makes me / / feel

some thing about dread / about tuck ing in











there is / one red rose left in the garden
a long cold bloom / it's sat on its stem for
weeks now / it's the dew / heavy moisture
that's plump ed it out / some how / & it opens
eternal / & sure / we all know / that rose is
gonna die soon / petals will blacken / & drop
it's that disappear ing in to / the ground / i find
so un settle ing / so / comfort ing / / / i'm lost












& the sun heats up my black cloth ing
& i think
perhaps thats why flowers turn black /
to stay warm / to stay warm

& i wonder / why / after all this time /

you come to mind / & i make you appear

or at least i think i do / /


all i know / is / the snow came to day
the cold came / grey chill / wet mountains


oh / never mind the gold / never mind the fall ing
leaves / the crunch crunch of / winter come ing

oh / elephant mountain is turn ing blue a gain
the big dipper is tilt ing north a gain / / all most
rests with it's bottom on top of the mountain



& yester day / the sun st.ill carried some warmth
but that was yester day / & to day i'm cold a gain
wear ing coat & hat / in side the house / can't get the
heat high enough /


you see / my back is sore / under my arm / & my
toes are burn ing / / / & i hear so many great lines
& i want to steal them all / make them my own

only i / can't remember / what i've heard / where
i've been / / only a sort of heart ache that comes

with be ing / oh / let me think a bout it











/

things i can't / re member / like the smell of his blood

inspired by assia wevill

---

assia said


he smells like a butcher when we make love

& i sniff your shirt / when no one is look ing
cover ed in a hard nights work & wonder what
it would be like / / /




but i won't &
i have to stop think ing think ing
these / un for give able / thots / ah /
in fidel ity rocks
my / oh the mind / / oh my mind




it was the smell of his blood

smell of blood / / it was bloody
hard / wet / warm / i felt your entrails
drip out of me / / cover my hands with
oh yes / / butchers smell like sweat
sweet with the smell of / yester days
blood / 21 day old meat hang ing


& i had a boy friend who was a butcher once
he brought me steaks / little rib eyes / a lamb
chop / here & there / / he liked his meat / rare


i don't remember him smell ing like /
a butcher / when we made love





/

for a boy i used / to know

---

a junkies palette of primary colours
reflects / green red orange / off the wet pave ment /

it's 3 am in the morn ing
& we are doing / the east side shuffle

the east side / getting high / getting
down / getting home scuffle

& that boy / with his tattoo skin /
cover ed in / ink / coat ed in / pain

keeps pace be side me /
a skate board under his arm

he looks at me /
& rain drips from his eye brows

his worn converse runners / slop a long
as we / trace the bus route / back to

the cock roach hotel / also known as
13th street / the place where i live

november rain soaks us
my hair stuck wet / to my face / &

my jeans are heavy / plaster ed to my legs /
& my hands are red / & my hands are cold

34 city blocks / fuck /
i wish i had a car /

& that boy
he smiles @ me /

& tips his face to the sky / his veins
are full / of sugar water & poison

& / i want to get him home to 13th street
to where i live / so i can taste his hands /

so i can press up a gainst /
his shiver ing body

rain falls / in never end ing streaks /
white lines spill thru the haze of coastal fog /

block after block / of orange
street light & white rain & we / keep walk ing

there is no end ing / only the middle of
the end / there is no / love / just attraction

we have / cigarettes & speed /
it's a mutual under stand ing /

there is no moral crisis / there is /
only me & the boy walk ing home in / the rain








/