i remember a while ago
my mind filled with nothing
that list of life that goes on & on
you were @ the top of the list
the middle & the bottom
you were all the items scratched out in broken
ball point pen / shaken every other word
i am surrounded by the confusion /
(self in flicted)
[wound] of my life
the mess constant / almost comforting / predictable
the maliase of mother hood (sometime tied tight across
the neck / /
giant machines that crush things /chew things up
things like cars / washing machines / scraps from demo'ed buildings
ah the under tow of recycling
not really sure i'm going any where with this @ all
mid nite ramblings to be sure / i'm not sure
My initial reaction to finchy’s work was not positive. I thought that she is a prose writer and maybe poetry is not her thing. But I have read her almost every poem on this board. I think this is one of her better work.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Sunday, February 27, 2005
poet's confessions
look i'm just thrilled with my photo pasting ability / / blogger is girl friendly & stoner friendly too / / i didn't even have to work too hard to figure out how to post photos / / picasa & hello / what 2 lovely programs
i also changed the look of my blog & i guess i will get rid of all the nasty comments i've had in my side bar / / but for all of you who wrote those things / well / i'm not even sure what i would say to you / / i guess just that it pains me people can be so fucking cruel & just down right mean / / i never tried to be a poetry diva / i was never looking for accolades / i was just writing / & if you people / those people can't figure that out / / i can't believe that anyone would perceive me as a threat / / i mean / i'm good / but not that good LOL
well i've learned the internet can indeed be a cruel place / & the world of poetry is cut throat as well / / / of course i would love to be a published author / but i realize there are a million other people just like me out there / / the competition is stiff / / it's so off putting / /
so this is the year / i dust off my 4 most recent manuscripts & see if i can get something published/ i really need to finish editing my play / but honestly i'm so sick of it / / after 2 years i could give a fuck if i ever laid eyes on it again / /
verna says i'm so close to being done / / i need one last giant push & it will be finished / / like giving birth / in my heart i know it will never be done
+ 2 poetry manuscripts / one in complete edited form . i lost interest after i sent the entire thing out in packages & did not get even one poem published / / dismal @ best / /
one more in almost complete edited form / / should be put into packages & sent out
i've made up my lists of journals & poetry editors / i've got my letter drafted out
but ------ fear...
+ there is my fat manuscript from last summer / that sits in complete raw form / a sick raunchy love story written in poetry format / / it's too close to the bone / / i hate that so much of my writing comes from me me me me me me - - - i mean i can't publish any thing that close to home and personal ------
*never write about one's personal affairs - ahem*
okay - so this is the first cohesive journal entry i've made in my blog / / the rest has been my meanderings & crazy mindedness / / you know
maybe brooks hoffman is right / may be i'm not a poet / / it certainly is easier to go on like this / conversant is easiest / don't you think ????
i also changed the look of my blog & i guess i will get rid of all the nasty comments i've had in my side bar / / but for all of you who wrote those things / well / i'm not even sure what i would say to you / / i guess just that it pains me people can be so fucking cruel & just down right mean / / i never tried to be a poetry diva / i was never looking for accolades / i was just writing / & if you people / those people can't figure that out / / i can't believe that anyone would perceive me as a threat / / i mean / i'm good / but not that good LOL
well i've learned the internet can indeed be a cruel place / & the world of poetry is cut throat as well / / / of course i would love to be a published author / but i realize there are a million other people just like me out there / / the competition is stiff / / it's so off putting / /
so this is the year / i dust off my 4 most recent manuscripts & see if i can get something published/ i really need to finish editing my play / but honestly i'm so sick of it / / after 2 years i could give a fuck if i ever laid eyes on it again / /
verna says i'm so close to being done / / i need one last giant push & it will be finished / / like giving birth / in my heart i know it will never be done
+ 2 poetry manuscripts / one in complete edited form . i lost interest after i sent the entire thing out in packages & did not get even one poem published / / dismal @ best / /
one more in almost complete edited form / / should be put into packages & sent out
i've made up my lists of journals & poetry editors / i've got my letter drafted out
but ------ fear...
+ there is my fat manuscript from last summer / that sits in complete raw form / a sick raunchy love story written in poetry format / / it's too close to the bone / / i hate that so much of my writing comes from me me me me me me - - - i mean i can't publish any thing that close to home and personal ------
*never write about one's personal affairs - ahem*
okay - so this is the first cohesive journal entry i've made in my blog / / the rest has been my meanderings & crazy mindedness / / you know
maybe brooks hoffman is right / may be i'm not a poet / / it certainly is easier to go on like this / conversant is easiest / don't you think ????
first image post - whoo hoo
now see - that is very exciting
i've just posted my first picture
i might have to post a few more
just because i like it
so there
i've just posted my first picture
i might have to post a few more
just because i like it
so there
where there is joy
this is big g with our youngest child robin / the photo was taken by brooksy / our friend who documents our lives with his camera
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
bad / with nothing to say
& when it was bad it was
very very bad
late night tumble of should get to bed
where did the time go
to a phone call
nothing less / / more / a long call
the house finally warm / /
very very bad
late night tumble of should get to bed
where did the time go
to a phone call
nothing less / / more / a long call
the house finally warm / /
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
the colour of hair
these days there are no words left to say
awkward phrases / / / a give a shit attitude
turned off / down / / i spiral in to my mind
lost / damn unpleasant place to be / / so alone
in side my head
now the heart is a nother matter all to gether / now
i have nothing left to say .
period / / certain less i let words flow to key board
skip words / for get who i am / / just for this moment
let me / / i float with thoughts of / oh the night is cold
a full moon / & raven / today / for the first time in months
there he is / standing on the compost box / / looking for bits
of bread / i'm sure he's looking for some thing a bit more substantial
like the cat / the cat kills / raven kills too / / oh those mice
no sooner do i bow my head down to grab the compost bucket & stand back up
he is gone / in to the sky / raven circles once / & then / a crow / one crow
drops / straight down / dive bombs / goes for raven / & the chase is on
it's the first time i've seen raven since last summer / / on the full moon
one wonder's / is this a sign? / or do i let it go / with the wind / & winter
& evening tumbles in to night falls in to
it's black out side / stars mere specks of cold
moon lights up the snow
& are you crazy ? i can't for get about you / the days lapse
& i for got to book a flight / to get out of town / get to the city
& i'm trying to make a connection / / but i can't / get it to gether
to get it to gether / / /
what is there to say @ a time like this
leslie returns a book today
that i don't remember loaning
her / just a faint conversation about fred wah
who wrote the book / about growing up with a white mom &
a chinese dad in nelson
& i'm wondering if i could grow up in a town like this
& write a book / & people would buy it / & i would for get
that i wrote it / i never wrote the book @ all / but here i
am famous / in a town / who's name i can't remember / vague
memories of brown leaf autums & the smell of burning leaves raked in
giant piles / & the colour orange of bright pumpkins / & thanks giving
turkeys & pilgrims / / all american style / & elementary school cut outs
brown paper / & colour in the fruit / apples are red /
& what are the colours of childhood / & does day dreaming count as
stupidity / & ink blot tests are given to the pale red headed girl
who stares out the window @ the green lawn & the giant cedars
limbs a slight movement against the wind / / a girl who hears water
rushing against rock in the creek bed / yes / this girl who never pays
attention / let's stick her in a corner / with no distractions / & tell
us your dreams / / & i dreamed my dad dumped a truckload of xmas cookies
over the bank by the neighbours house / & these are the dreams of children
i dreamed my father died / & did you know / your girl bites her nails
blood / red / is the colour of childhood
the colour of humiliation
the colour of shame
the colour of my hair
awkward phrases / / / a give a shit attitude
turned off / down / / i spiral in to my mind
lost / damn unpleasant place to be / / so alone
in side my head
now the heart is a nother matter all to gether / now
i have nothing left to say .
period / / certain less i let words flow to key board
skip words / for get who i am / / just for this moment
let me / / i float with thoughts of / oh the night is cold
a full moon / & raven / today / for the first time in months
there he is / standing on the compost box / / looking for bits
of bread / i'm sure he's looking for some thing a bit more substantial
like the cat / the cat kills / raven kills too / / oh those mice
no sooner do i bow my head down to grab the compost bucket & stand back up
he is gone / in to the sky / raven circles once / & then / a crow / one crow
drops / straight down / dive bombs / goes for raven / & the chase is on
it's the first time i've seen raven since last summer / / on the full moon
one wonder's / is this a sign? / or do i let it go / with the wind / & winter
& evening tumbles in to night falls in to
it's black out side / stars mere specks of cold
moon lights up the snow
& are you crazy ? i can't for get about you / the days lapse
& i for got to book a flight / to get out of town / get to the city
& i'm trying to make a connection / / but i can't / get it to gether
to get it to gether / / /
what is there to say @ a time like this
leslie returns a book today
that i don't remember loaning
her / just a faint conversation about fred wah
who wrote the book / about growing up with a white mom &
a chinese dad in nelson
& i'm wondering if i could grow up in a town like this
& write a book / & people would buy it / & i would for get
that i wrote it / i never wrote the book @ all / but here i
am famous / in a town / who's name i can't remember / vague
memories of brown leaf autums & the smell of burning leaves raked in
giant piles / & the colour orange of bright pumpkins / & thanks giving
turkeys & pilgrims / / all american style / & elementary school cut outs
brown paper / & colour in the fruit / apples are red /
& what are the colours of childhood / & does day dreaming count as
stupidity / & ink blot tests are given to the pale red headed girl
who stares out the window @ the green lawn & the giant cedars
limbs a slight movement against the wind / / a girl who hears water
rushing against rock in the creek bed / yes / this girl who never pays
attention / let's stick her in a corner / with no distractions / & tell
us your dreams / / & i dreamed my dad dumped a truckload of xmas cookies
over the bank by the neighbours house / & these are the dreams of children
i dreamed my father died / & did you know / your girl bites her nails
blood / red / is the colour of childhood
the colour of humiliation
the colour of shame
the colour of my hair
Monday, February 21, 2005
devils & bargaining
this is the hum of the dryer
house is quiet / late night
in the middle of the kitchen table
laundry / whites / & socks & dish rags
tea towels & tee shirts
not folded / / hot lunch forms filled out
5 of them /
st.ill there is one child home / until
the sweet call of september / & this mother
will be childless / /
soon the days change again / time always a constant
we move away from these days of babes in arms /
& chunky toddlers / wet with drool & pee
the truest smiles of all / laugher for delight
the shrill
of i'm alive / / children don't know the meaning of death
what do you remember before 5 / before 10 / /
somewhere / the fairy tale / angels & what not / other world ly
spirits / / yes / adults lose touch with surreality / become
honest soldiers of the state / pay your taxes / worry about death
& money / / ah yes / the good fight of adult hood
but i wish to be walking in the forest / where the moss grows
bright green in winter / & the orange of dead pine needles glows
orange like the bright of warm sun
that's where i wish to be / some where / i 'm certain as a child
i saw a bit of majik / wished to see the small people / yes i'm certain
i cast a spell once / feint memory
& see the lower back now protests the days exercise
a walk down the mountain / a walk back up again
what fabulous things that we think
imagination boundless / each mind runs in so many directions
who can really know what the truth of any thing is
stick to the truth that wells up in side of you
sharp knot against the inside ribs
press hot against heart / against memory
i'm tired of trying to be a poet
living up to some kind of expectation
i've placed upon my self / / mostly i see my
work as worthless / / an accident on the side of the road
one where a jeep flips over & the little girl inside gets her
head shorn off / / / every one dies / the jeep right side up
against the bridge / / we walked up the high way to see it
but i don't think i would even slow down for my kind of poetry
made to per form / / where is the line / of for get full / / where
is this going / where has this been/ / /
i mean / what is that suppose to mean / i'm a poet
some self important title / oh avant garde you say
well she is a bit odd / / / oh a poet / yes / well then
we've had a few poets in the family / mostly they are a bit odd
tho / don't you think / / i mean / really / who reads poetry / who
listens to poetry / / / who is / what is crazy
i'll tell you / / poetry is crazy / the people who write it are crazy
& i'm crazy too / but i suppose i shouldn't be self proclaiming it
it's kinda like saying i'm a poet / when really in truth / in fact
i really am crazy but don't tell any one / don't let it get out / /
or they will be rolling their eyes @ you too / / / al though i'm inclined
to be lieve / that i didn't set out to be a poet / i set out to find a bit
of pain / that i do believe / / but the rest / well
i'm still not sure how i ended up here / fingers to the keys / / repeat after me
i'm not a poet / & i'm not crazy / & can i get off now / /
house is quiet / late night
in the middle of the kitchen table
laundry / whites / & socks & dish rags
tea towels & tee shirts
not folded / / hot lunch forms filled out
5 of them /
st.ill there is one child home / until
the sweet call of september / & this mother
will be childless / /
soon the days change again / time always a constant
we move away from these days of babes in arms /
& chunky toddlers / wet with drool & pee
the truest smiles of all / laugher for delight
the shrill
of i'm alive / / children don't know the meaning of death
what do you remember before 5 / before 10 / /
somewhere / the fairy tale / angels & what not / other world ly
spirits / / yes / adults lose touch with surreality / become
honest soldiers of the state / pay your taxes / worry about death
& money / / ah yes / the good fight of adult hood
but i wish to be walking in the forest / where the moss grows
bright green in winter / & the orange of dead pine needles glows
orange like the bright of warm sun
that's where i wish to be / some where / i 'm certain as a child
i saw a bit of majik / wished to see the small people / yes i'm certain
i cast a spell once / feint memory
& see the lower back now protests the days exercise
a walk down the mountain / a walk back up again
what fabulous things that we think
imagination boundless / each mind runs in so many directions
who can really know what the truth of any thing is
stick to the truth that wells up in side of you
sharp knot against the inside ribs
press hot against heart / against memory
i'm tired of trying to be a poet
living up to some kind of expectation
i've placed upon my self / / mostly i see my
work as worthless / / an accident on the side of the road
one where a jeep flips over & the little girl inside gets her
head shorn off / / / every one dies / the jeep right side up
against the bridge / / we walked up the high way to see it
but i don't think i would even slow down for my kind of poetry
made to per form / / where is the line / of for get full / / where
is this going / where has this been/ / /
i mean / what is that suppose to mean / i'm a poet
some self important title / oh avant garde you say
well she is a bit odd / / / oh a poet / yes / well then
we've had a few poets in the family / mostly they are a bit odd
tho / don't you think / / i mean / really / who reads poetry / who
listens to poetry / / / who is / what is crazy
i'll tell you / / poetry is crazy / the people who write it are crazy
& i'm crazy too / but i suppose i shouldn't be self proclaiming it
it's kinda like saying i'm a poet / when really in truth / in fact
i really am crazy but don't tell any one / don't let it get out / /
or they will be rolling their eyes @ you too / / / al though i'm inclined
to be lieve / that i didn't set out to be a poet / i set out to find a bit
of pain / that i do believe / / but the rest / well
i'm still not sure how i ended up here / fingers to the keys / / repeat after me
i'm not a poet / & i'm not crazy / & can i get off now / /
like a moth / burning its thick dusty body against a hot light bulb
& bones fade in to dark ness
ambiguous @ best
who cares about bones
& just what is the dark ness
any ways
the night clear / cold / february 20 2005
our cars parked in the drive way are covered in frost
they cut down a stand of trees on the far side of the golf course
parking lot / / they left one / standing / poplar / white bark
in the summer the leaves of the poplar turn up side down when
a storm is blowing in / / shusss shusss / / the bottoms of the leaves
are soft & white / the tops shiney green
who cares about typos ?
this night settles in fast
another week end rolls past
to night we watch the life affirming
forrest gump
& i think: yes / death is sad for the living
destiny or a feather on the wind / / / where will you land
lately / i only smoke pot / tired of thinking
tired of worrying / just so
& today we walk along the beach out @ kokanee park
the water is low / the dams lower on the lake must be
running full bore / they are letting the water through
& there is a slough that is frozen over / but the heat of
the sun melts it / crackling / of course this is where my
family heads too / / & max / the eldest @ 13 runs @ the encouragement
of his step dad / / but he falters & his foot slips through & he loses
his shoe / it comes out of the water with his foot / flips off on to the ice
max jumps out of the slough & his shoe sits on the ice / alone
i walk off / pissed off / / i know the rest of the outing he will be sitting
in the car / / wet & cold / / instead of out walking enjoying the glorious
blue of the day / / / /
i walk in the closed camping area / in search of an out house / i find one
squat over the hole / & pee / hot steam
if i was a man / i would be pissing every where / just because i could
what ever that was about i'm not sure / / / leg
a tang / a pang/
of ooooh what are those nasty burning spots in my muscles
blood / clots / blood of my leg / my thigh / my cunt
runs through my vagina / dribbles / spurts / gush / oh warm
a metaphor / cycle of life / what is it / i'm not sure
i thot i died /
ambiguous @ best
who cares about bones
& just what is the dark ness
any ways
the night clear / cold / february 20 2005
our cars parked in the drive way are covered in frost
they cut down a stand of trees on the far side of the golf course
parking lot / / they left one / standing / poplar / white bark
in the summer the leaves of the poplar turn up side down when
a storm is blowing in / / shusss shusss / / the bottoms of the leaves
are soft & white / the tops shiney green
who cares about typos ?
this night settles in fast
another week end rolls past
to night we watch the life affirming
forrest gump
& i think: yes / death is sad for the living
destiny or a feather on the wind / / / where will you land
lately / i only smoke pot / tired of thinking
tired of worrying / just so
& today we walk along the beach out @ kokanee park
the water is low / the dams lower on the lake must be
running full bore / they are letting the water through
& there is a slough that is frozen over / but the heat of
the sun melts it / crackling / of course this is where my
family heads too / / & max / the eldest @ 13 runs @ the encouragement
of his step dad / / but he falters & his foot slips through & he loses
his shoe / it comes out of the water with his foot / flips off on to the ice
max jumps out of the slough & his shoe sits on the ice / alone
i walk off / pissed off / / i know the rest of the outing he will be sitting
in the car / / wet & cold / / instead of out walking enjoying the glorious
blue of the day / / / /
i walk in the closed camping area / in search of an out house / i find one
squat over the hole / & pee / hot steam
if i was a man / i would be pissing every where / just because i could
what ever that was about i'm not sure / / / leg
a tang / a pang/
of ooooh what are those nasty burning spots in my muscles
blood / clots / blood of my leg / my thigh / my cunt
runs through my vagina / dribbles / spurts / gush / oh warm
a metaphor / cycle of life / what is it / i'm not sure
i thot i died /
Friday, February 18, 2005
& after open stage where the audience loves her
& so the night rolls in late again
& my eyes are tired
& my body is tired
but the mind
goes & goes
this is the temple of sickness
my own creation of pain
bow down to illness / the body
that can't rest / searches for sleep
where did comfort go / when did the dark mind show
some where between the harvest moon & the cold blue moon
of wynter / / ah bow down to the death earth
some where she sweats / casts off the snow & ice
turns to the sun / & smiles
some where the sky is pure blue
& all that glitters is snow
some where between the loads of laundry
the crumbs on the floor / she lost her mind
for got what she was saying / for got
just for got
a desperation / / a quiet desperation
some how just not hidden enough / hide it
for all the world to see /
the pain is all true tho / the body aches
the pain stabs through my asshole / that muscle
private place / belly hurts/ a numbness rides the thigh
stabbing . a knife . right through me .
but it's the swollen face in the morning that stares
back at me / what is that / / skin becomes softer / thinner
god i hate this body / /
wrinkles @ the slightest provocation / / face grows older
& my eyes are tired
& my body is tired
but the mind
goes & goes
this is the temple of sickness
my own creation of pain
bow down to illness / the body
that can't rest / searches for sleep
where did comfort go / when did the dark mind show
some where between the harvest moon & the cold blue moon
of wynter / / ah bow down to the death earth
some where she sweats / casts off the snow & ice
turns to the sun / & smiles
some where the sky is pure blue
& all that glitters is snow
some where between the loads of laundry
the crumbs on the floor / she lost her mind
for got what she was saying / for got
just for got
a desperation / / a quiet desperation
some how just not hidden enough / hide it
for all the world to see /
the pain is all true tho / the body aches
the pain stabs through my asshole / that muscle
private place / belly hurts/ a numbness rides the thigh
stabbing . a knife . right through me .
but it's the swollen face in the morning that stares
back at me / what is that / / skin becomes softer / thinner
god i hate this body / /
wrinkles @ the slightest provocation / / face grows older
Thursday, February 17, 2005
blank
it's one o'clock in the morning
i have done nothing except play
a game on line / some mind less
tetris type block game
it's easier than thinking
it's easier than writing
it's easier than being
i guess this is why people watch tv
same effect / mind numbing / eye fluttering
blank . out .
i have done nothing except play
a game on line / some mind less
tetris type block game
it's easier than thinking
it's easier than writing
it's easier than being
i guess this is why people watch tv
same effect / mind numbing / eye fluttering
blank . out .
Monday, February 14, 2005
i always for get
a sense of what not
a cold constant chill rides across
shoulders & arms / this is not the way i came in
you see
ever since i got my tubes tied
spazms move through my belly / colon
feels like someone is ramming a knife up my ass hole
ever since i started looking @ the sky
i've realized i know no thing
february's half moon lays
in the western sky / low / a boat
tipsing on the water / rides the horizon
for best effect
& she / i sit home a lone
a choice / can't face the world
there aren't any words left
ever since i lost my mind
i can't answer questions / blank stare
what did you say / & she / i try to
remember what the words were
but i can't
i smoke joints on the rapunzle deck off the 3rd floor
ensuite / / roaches pile up / black bugs / a bag full
impossibly the moon is orange / tilted slight
against a cold sky / diamonds / ah so love lee
if only one could gather them / string a necklace
of ice crystals / save them in a jar / / instead
hands grows cold / red / swollen
a tic in the back of the head
reminds / ears ring constant hiss
what is this / deafness as well ?
& that moon dances on the blur of her eyes
my eyes / my eyes /
i can't for get we are never together
on this day / that is already over
i wonder @ paper hearts with no meaning
how / you've come to dispise me / /
i am covered in a thin wrap of torn paper
the excitement of an empty box of chocolate
you see / i write for no one
not even me / /
banished to :
inside my head / no where to go
impossible to leave the house
can't leave the thoughts
& the tired sets in /
furnace shuts off / quiet / house
is full of sleeping heads / /
maggots
dew worms
hair dye
dish soap
valentines card
garlic press
24 dollars
the road are dry with ice
snow fall follows a cycle
air warms up / snow falls
air warms up more to melting
slush / sky clears with the moon
& the ground becomes / danger / ice
& the roads are full of dust
from sand trucks / it coats
cars & comes in the house / we choke on it
street sweepers don't start for
a couple more months / this is our
fabulous mountain air quality
this night time ice chills the bones of the average smoker who by the way is stupid enough / dedicated enough / to / take it like a man / bundle up
when he leaves / i'll smoke in the bath room again / fan on
next to the electric heater / i won't tell any one /
blank spaces in habit large portions of my brain
some times / most times / it's hard to remember
i always for get / / some times
a cold constant chill rides across
shoulders & arms / this is not the way i came in
you see
ever since i got my tubes tied
spazms move through my belly / colon
feels like someone is ramming a knife up my ass hole
ever since i started looking @ the sky
i've realized i know no thing
february's half moon lays
in the western sky / low / a boat
tipsing on the water / rides the horizon
for best effect
& she / i sit home a lone
a choice / can't face the world
there aren't any words left
ever since i lost my mind
i can't answer questions / blank stare
what did you say / & she / i try to
remember what the words were
but i can't
i smoke joints on the rapunzle deck off the 3rd floor
ensuite / / roaches pile up / black bugs / a bag full
impossibly the moon is orange / tilted slight
against a cold sky / diamonds / ah so love lee
if only one could gather them / string a necklace
of ice crystals / save them in a jar / / instead
hands grows cold / red / swollen
a tic in the back of the head
reminds / ears ring constant hiss
what is this / deafness as well ?
& that moon dances on the blur of her eyes
my eyes / my eyes /
i can't for get we are never together
on this day / that is already over
i wonder @ paper hearts with no meaning
how / you've come to dispise me / /
i am covered in a thin wrap of torn paper
the excitement of an empty box of chocolate
you see / i write for no one
not even me / /
banished to :
inside my head / no where to go
impossible to leave the house
can't leave the thoughts
& the tired sets in /
furnace shuts off / quiet / house
is full of sleeping heads / /
maggots
dew worms
hair dye
dish soap
valentines card
garlic press
24 dollars
the road are dry with ice
snow fall follows a cycle
air warms up / snow falls
air warms up more to melting
slush / sky clears with the moon
& the ground becomes / danger / ice
& the roads are full of dust
from sand trucks / it coats
cars & comes in the house / we choke on it
street sweepers don't start for
a couple more months / this is our
fabulous mountain air quality
this night time ice chills the bones of the average smoker who by the way is stupid enough / dedicated enough / to / take it like a man / bundle up
when he leaves / i'll smoke in the bath room again / fan on
next to the electric heater / i won't tell any one /
blank spaces in habit large portions of my brain
some times / most times / it's hard to remember
i always for get / / some times
Sunday, February 13, 2005
fluid against the earth
on the eve of valentines
he went to bed @ 9:45
about the same as the kids
she on the other hand stayed up
they did have sex today on the couch
& the floor in his office / movie room
while the kids were up stairs playing videos
pointer finger on the right hand
inflamed @ the first joint / dry itch
on the out side / a tang of pain through
the bone / / it comes from no where
becomes / an obsession of thought
is it arthritis / or fibro m / always
these odd pains / no reason except to torment
the body / keep it on it's toes / as it were
there shall be no pain free day / ha ha ha
joke's on me
so the brown of earth / is gone
covered in a layer of white
as recent as yesterday rocks & bits of
green lawn / & the bud of a tulip next to
the house / barren tho / i could see the ground
but all was dead / stored beneath dirt / waiting st.ill
cold / for early february is in the air / winter & all
yet today / the sun hot against my face
we stand on the south facing deck
smoke / drink our morning cuppa / no creamo
heat milk / make a latte' . ah roll a fatti
let's get the day lost slow / start now
we get to the end ///
the sky is kindred blue / twinkling
& each ray of sun shine melts the trees
ever y where drips drip drip / sounds like rain
branches spring up / fahlump / snow hits the grounds
& every where diamonds sparkle across the blue blue
of winter cover / / sun bounces / rainbows each drop
of water / melted snow / hangs like precious beads of light
before each breaks off / landing in a smack of decimation /
ah back to the earth with you / winter run off / time to join
the rivlets / & the creeks / & the full length of kootenay lake
time to be blue again / fluid against the earth
with each passage / body contorts / twitches for nicotine
each craving move from the feet up / un til the hands scratch
the hands scratch / oh what is this majestice injustice the body
feels / wonders / /
today 2 the rink / we skate / mother mother / / ties the skates
holds the hands / doles out change for the vending machine
every body skates / skates / mothers & fathers / brothers & sisters
the ice is a clamity of commotion / scrape scrape / blades on ice
top 40 blares thin / tinny against behind the shout of voices & laughter
& scrape scrape scrape / the monitor blows his whistle & everyone changes
direction / / oh a weak left leg / afraid to cross over on the corners
ice is hard / a multitude of children push chairs / steady steady / or
they sit on them / & those damn fathers/ oh chance takers / the wild ones
safety? & they whiz around around the rink / hold on / the chairs spin
across the ice / / my god i say to rae ann/ so dangerous / / i'm surprised
no one gets hurt / /
i fell down again / lost my self in the day
& for got about you /
how to kill a thot / how to erase memory
sugar rises in the throat / thick white
this is spit of the sickest kind
& yet your tongue lick ed the back of my throat
pressed hard against / swallowed me whole
& i was born of bits again / lost between
deep mountain shadow / deepest blue black
even the pine trees blacken / when the light
disappears / /a gain she sees death out of the corner
of her eyes / / is any one listening / ears grow thick
sound becomes / is a luxury / / the phatt buzz buzz of
some one turn these bells off in my head / / time to end
the story / once upon a page / the words fell off / & all
the while / no one really cared / / beyone care
he went to bed @ 9:45
about the same as the kids
she on the other hand stayed up
they did have sex today on the couch
& the floor in his office / movie room
while the kids were up stairs playing videos
pointer finger on the right hand
inflamed @ the first joint / dry itch
on the out side / a tang of pain through
the bone / / it comes from no where
becomes / an obsession of thought
is it arthritis / or fibro m / always
these odd pains / no reason except to torment
the body / keep it on it's toes / as it were
there shall be no pain free day / ha ha ha
joke's on me
so the brown of earth / is gone
covered in a layer of white
as recent as yesterday rocks & bits of
green lawn / & the bud of a tulip next to
the house / barren tho / i could see the ground
but all was dead / stored beneath dirt / waiting st.ill
cold / for early february is in the air / winter & all
yet today / the sun hot against my face
we stand on the south facing deck
smoke / drink our morning cuppa / no creamo
heat milk / make a latte' . ah roll a fatti
let's get the day lost slow / start now
we get to the end ///
the sky is kindred blue / twinkling
& each ray of sun shine melts the trees
ever y where drips drip drip / sounds like rain
branches spring up / fahlump / snow hits the grounds
& every where diamonds sparkle across the blue blue
of winter cover / / sun bounces / rainbows each drop
of water / melted snow / hangs like precious beads of light
before each breaks off / landing in a smack of decimation /
ah back to the earth with you / winter run off / time to join
the rivlets / & the creeks / & the full length of kootenay lake
time to be blue again / fluid against the earth
with each passage / body contorts / twitches for nicotine
each craving move from the feet up / un til the hands scratch
the hands scratch / oh what is this majestice injustice the body
feels / wonders / /
today 2 the rink / we skate / mother mother / / ties the skates
holds the hands / doles out change for the vending machine
every body skates / skates / mothers & fathers / brothers & sisters
the ice is a clamity of commotion / scrape scrape / blades on ice
top 40 blares thin / tinny against behind the shout of voices & laughter
& scrape scrape scrape / the monitor blows his whistle & everyone changes
direction / / oh a weak left leg / afraid to cross over on the corners
ice is hard / a multitude of children push chairs / steady steady / or
they sit on them / & those damn fathers/ oh chance takers / the wild ones
safety? & they whiz around around the rink / hold on / the chairs spin
across the ice / / my god i say to rae ann/ so dangerous / / i'm surprised
no one gets hurt / /
i fell down again / lost my self in the day
& for got about you /
how to kill a thot / how to erase memory
sugar rises in the throat / thick white
this is spit of the sickest kind
& yet your tongue lick ed the back of my throat
pressed hard against / swallowed me whole
& i was born of bits again / lost between
deep mountain shadow / deepest blue black
even the pine trees blacken / when the light
disappears / /a gain she sees death out of the corner
of her eyes / / is any one listening / ears grow thick
sound becomes / is a luxury / / the phatt buzz buzz of
some one turn these bells off in my head / / time to end
the story / once upon a page / the words fell off / & all
the while / no one really cared / / beyone care
on being hypothetical
on this night
snow falls / again
the ground is covered
smoothed / clean
the cherry tree's branches
are trimmed in white lace
of the coldest kind
mother death lace /
suddenly the black invisible of the nite
becomes visible /
snow plow scrapes by / 3 times
clear the road / / make the way safe to drive
i am contented to sit & watch it through the
window / fear of sliding creates a home body
a line is between us / / / one of formidible strength
too dark / too sad / no imagination
i too am locked in side this ever pervasive
never end ing / oh look / the snow falls again
winter / isn't shy / winter doesn't care
the urge to smoke is strong / hands creep away
slow lee / wander off /
& brain for gets / where it's been / where it's going
& talk about ambiguous / i like the part where the words
fall in a line / association becomes mean ing less
& one wonders if the snow will melt tomorrow
or if the big freeze will come again
moon is a mere crescent / whitest finger nail
thin & cold / bright against the sky / flush
between the stars / big dipper / oh what's that
w in the north sky / can never remember the constellations
but those stars are imprinted / marked in side dna /
the cross @ the back of my eyes / layed out
in small galaxies on my finger tips
some thing about being nothing but star dust / /
ashes / i will only be bits of bone & bitter
what happens when old sol swells up / eating us
up / / slow lee cooking terre firma / crisp
ashes / / a cloud of / galatic memory
& maybe a comet will hit us / / or we'll use
up all the H2O / nothing left for anyone
what will become of my children / my future
ancestors / / what will happen to my bones
oh hypothetical questions / i know
snow falls / again
the ground is covered
smoothed / clean
the cherry tree's branches
are trimmed in white lace
of the coldest kind
mother death lace /
suddenly the black invisible of the nite
becomes visible /
snow plow scrapes by / 3 times
clear the road / / make the way safe to drive
i am contented to sit & watch it through the
window / fear of sliding creates a home body
a line is between us / / / one of formidible strength
too dark / too sad / no imagination
i too am locked in side this ever pervasive
never end ing / oh look / the snow falls again
winter / isn't shy / winter doesn't care
the urge to smoke is strong / hands creep away
slow lee / wander off /
& brain for gets / where it's been / where it's going
& talk about ambiguous / i like the part where the words
fall in a line / association becomes mean ing less
& one wonders if the snow will melt tomorrow
or if the big freeze will come again
moon is a mere crescent / whitest finger nail
thin & cold / bright against the sky / flush
between the stars / big dipper / oh what's that
w in the north sky / can never remember the constellations
but those stars are imprinted / marked in side dna /
the cross @ the back of my eyes / layed out
in small galaxies on my finger tips
some thing about being nothing but star dust / /
ashes / i will only be bits of bone & bitter
what happens when old sol swells up / eating us
up / / slow lee cooking terre firma / crisp
ashes / / a cloud of / galatic memory
& maybe a comet will hit us / / or we'll use
up all the H2O / nothing left for anyone
what will become of my children / my future
ancestors / / what will happen to my bones
oh hypothetical questions / i know
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
muse in the matter
you are some thing i do
intuitively / some thing i don't wish to
dwell on
you flow from the brain to finger tips
on to the page
you are my poem
i have no control / no say in the matter
really /
late nite i sit late hours
sick / st.ill / a bastard of a flu
head a block of congestion / nose & lips raw
from drips & wipes
foggy / every thing seems
just slightly out of kitlter / odd things
precipitate / room @ a slight angle
wore me out on the bed springs / danced up side
down / there is / was / no mercy when the cross
came down / a bolt of light / white lightening
& oh my head was thick then / awaken ing of
some times / late nite / most nites
i wake up / wander the house / piss / look for sugar
smoke cigarettes / wash my hands & crawl back in to
that 7 X 7 peice of space we inhabit / short hours through
some time after midnight / before 5 am / sweat / snore
clutching our pillows / / we fall a sleep with the tv on
wake up to the blue chatter of women's voices selling
selling / to some one like me / except i'm sleeping not
buying / i'm waking up & turning off the tv
& what is it with tv @ 4 in the morning / dull drone of
voices / ah so kind to fall asleep to the din / blah out on
technology / / where is my white noise
where is the thunder / c
& the joy of sun light this morning / sit on the back steps
face south / ah the sun so much higher in the sky / even now
7 weeks past winter solstice / finally / day light past 5 pm
the sky is majesticly clear to night / all stars bright
blink / air cold with february / st.ill no snow / to warm
intuitively / some thing i don't wish to
dwell on
you flow from the brain to finger tips
on to the page
you are my poem
i have no control / no say in the matter
really /
late nite i sit late hours
sick / st.ill / a bastard of a flu
head a block of congestion / nose & lips raw
from drips & wipes
foggy / every thing seems
just slightly out of kitlter / odd things
precipitate / room @ a slight angle
wore me out on the bed springs / danced up side
down / there is / was / no mercy when the cross
came down / a bolt of light / white lightening
& oh my head was thick then / awaken ing of
some times / late nite / most nites
i wake up / wander the house / piss / look for sugar
smoke cigarettes / wash my hands & crawl back in to
that 7 X 7 peice of space we inhabit / short hours through
some time after midnight / before 5 am / sweat / snore
clutching our pillows / / we fall a sleep with the tv on
wake up to the blue chatter of women's voices selling
selling / to some one like me / except i'm sleeping not
buying / i'm waking up & turning off the tv
& what is it with tv @ 4 in the morning / dull drone of
voices / ah so kind to fall asleep to the din / blah out on
technology / / where is my white noise
where is the thunder / c
& the joy of sun light this morning / sit on the back steps
face south / ah the sun so much higher in the sky / even now
7 weeks past winter solstice / finally / day light past 5 pm
the sky is majesticly clear to night / all stars bright
blink / air cold with february / st.ill no snow / to warm
Monday, February 07, 2005
mind mined
a few words get me through
this is a day under a blanket
on the couch in my office
sick
again
one again / body is covered in a slick
of thick germed sickness / / chest heavy &
full / the ache of organs / hands lose feeling
numb again / deadness of foot / finger
hand
bound to the inside of the house /
non activity / try to keep track of
children coming & going /
can't remember a god damn thing
& i wish there was something i could
grasp on to / a light / a sign
some kind of relief / of soul
where to find happy / a comfort of being
when is it time to believe
in
can't quite put my finger on it
some thing about the after life
some thing about jesus & mary
some thing about a cross
road / a journey to light
a shift between dark ness
& some where between the point
of the last black moment of night
& the pale day of dawn
decided lee / i'm lost in that place
where my finger won't land / where
notions of romance & pure lust fall
on to the carpet / lost with the dust
& crumbs & the pounding of children's feet
i wonder / is there any place they haven't touched
is there any place he didn't touch / when i layed
my skin in the hot summer sun
lost in the poet's mind / i muse death to death
hold on to what's been taken / fold over one last time
& i wish to lay this body down /
i dream your arms wrapped tight lee around my maiden form
your face lost in my hair / mouth full & wet / curious
i dream the days warmer / & some where the sky carries
blue & cloud over / jilted nerves / a softening
upstairs / over head / these children sleep restless
sick / the cough / / fills / weighs down a heavy chest
bodies slick with sweat / drip
a cough that makes the heart stop
gurgle / & weakness / ah / ode to the mighty germ
so persistant / deep in to the body / burrows
body vibrates / fights to breathe
touch felt the bottom of my hand
through a bottle / rushed down
this is mind / mined /
this is a day under a blanket
on the couch in my office
sick
again
one again / body is covered in a slick
of thick germed sickness / / chest heavy &
full / the ache of organs / hands lose feeling
numb again / deadness of foot / finger
hand
bound to the inside of the house /
non activity / try to keep track of
children coming & going /
can't remember a god damn thing
& i wish there was something i could
grasp on to / a light / a sign
some kind of relief / of soul
where to find happy / a comfort of being
when is it time to believe
in
can't quite put my finger on it
some thing about the after life
some thing about jesus & mary
some thing about a cross
road / a journey to light
a shift between dark ness
& some where between the point
of the last black moment of night
& the pale day of dawn
decided lee / i'm lost in that place
where my finger won't land / where
notions of romance & pure lust fall
on to the carpet / lost with the dust
& crumbs & the pounding of children's feet
i wonder / is there any place they haven't touched
is there any place he didn't touch / when i layed
my skin in the hot summer sun
lost in the poet's mind / i muse death to death
hold on to what's been taken / fold over one last time
& i wish to lay this body down /
i dream your arms wrapped tight lee around my maiden form
your face lost in my hair / mouth full & wet / curious
i dream the days warmer / & some where the sky carries
blue & cloud over / jilted nerves / a softening
upstairs / over head / these children sleep restless
sick / the cough / / fills / weighs down a heavy chest
bodies slick with sweat / drip
a cough that makes the heart stop
gurgle / & weakness / ah / ode to the mighty germ
so persistant / deep in to the body / burrows
body vibrates / fights to breathe
touch felt the bottom of my hand
through a bottle / rushed down
this is mind / mined /
Saturday, February 05, 2005
please ing in to february
there is no anger
no joy / no day
only night
waiting for decadence to settle in
but nothing excites / the world is a blah
of
gray
she reads poe
dreams black raven
curious dreams / make no sense
st.ill there are no answers
to day a walk through the forest
there is no snow / but one million
piles of dog shit to be dodged /
there is a fort in the forest
there are giant moss covered rocks
breaking down / time even breaks granite
they look like eggs / those rocks jut
& poke out of the ground / a childs
climbing delight
walk around / empty of heart
do you know how much i miss you
can't articulate the gaping hole
this derisive feeling of denial
hold on / to what i wish for
there can be no lies
the rings on my fingers / flush against
fat / no thin / thin / fingers are thin
rings cut their own hole in my hands
rings symbolize / me / spinning in circles
never getting to the end of things
never finishing /
no completion
my daughter buys me sweet perfume
for xmas / the smell of it takes me
back to gay night clubs in victoria
cross dresser / boy toy / punk rock
andro / the look / boy? girl?
& drinks & sweet perfume & chewing gum
& mda
or da for short
& the fags all did poppers / rush
the baths / all the boys went to the baths
cause that's where all the nasty shit happened
girls were only allowed to view so much
& then / cut off / /
funny where a smell can take a person
apples / the smell reminds me of apples
a lost trip through eatons in vancouver centre
where / the hard sell / shiney / gold / all glitter
is not / oh shiney / silver / perhaps all glitter is
ribbons / & giant perfume bottles / display model only
i think i need to get out / do some thing / see some thing
breathe
just breathe / remember to talk to people //
i'm still waiting for spring
still waiting for a change in the day
june / ah the finest hour of june / or was it may
oh the maerri monthe of mae
no joy / no day
only night
waiting for decadence to settle in
but nothing excites / the world is a blah
of
gray
she reads poe
dreams black raven
curious dreams / make no sense
st.ill there are no answers
to day a walk through the forest
there is no snow / but one million
piles of dog shit to be dodged /
there is a fort in the forest
there are giant moss covered rocks
breaking down / time even breaks granite
they look like eggs / those rocks jut
& poke out of the ground / a childs
climbing delight
walk around / empty of heart
do you know how much i miss you
can't articulate the gaping hole
this derisive feeling of denial
hold on / to what i wish for
there can be no lies
the rings on my fingers / flush against
fat / no thin / thin / fingers are thin
rings cut their own hole in my hands
rings symbolize / me / spinning in circles
never getting to the end of things
never finishing /
no completion
my daughter buys me sweet perfume
for xmas / the smell of it takes me
back to gay night clubs in victoria
cross dresser / boy toy / punk rock
andro / the look / boy? girl?
& drinks & sweet perfume & chewing gum
& mda
or da for short
& the fags all did poppers / rush
the baths / all the boys went to the baths
cause that's where all the nasty shit happened
girls were only allowed to view so much
& then / cut off / /
funny where a smell can take a person
apples / the smell reminds me of apples
a lost trip through eatons in vancouver centre
where / the hard sell / shiney / gold / all glitter
is not / oh shiney / silver / perhaps all glitter is
ribbons / & giant perfume bottles / display model only
i think i need to get out / do some thing / see some thing
breathe
just breathe / remember to talk to people //
i'm still waiting for spring
still waiting for a change in the day
june / ah the finest hour of june / or was it may
oh the maerri monthe of mae
12:44
late @ nite the house is quiet
no sound except the hum of the fridge
it feel awkward to write words
they don't flow
lost some where the words are lost
they wait for summer / they wait
for the turn of spring / soon
she will sleep alone in the bed
body st.ill / the flu a
tremendous blow to the body
mind & muscles
queasy for days / fever
slow moment / absolute tired ness
those who sleep / sleep long est
day peels in to night / circles the clock
day rises again / repeat until the days
get longer / / such a relief to get early
after noon sun again / winter soltice hides
the low sun behind mountains / ah but now
she rises again / bright orb / rays fall
through the window / @ 2:30 pm / may be later
soon the half light of march will be upon us
for now / we must be content to let this mild
winter be upon us / / to day rain / hail
thunder / no lightening to be seen / but the long
low grumble of dark clouds filled the valley
the wind set in / side ways / rain comes under the deck
roof / soaks the railing / & the deck floor
no sound except the hum of the fridge
it feel awkward to write words
they don't flow
lost some where the words are lost
they wait for summer / they wait
for the turn of spring / soon
she will sleep alone in the bed
body st.ill / the flu a
tremendous blow to the body
mind & muscles
queasy for days / fever
slow moment / absolute tired ness
those who sleep / sleep long est
day peels in to night / circles the clock
day rises again / repeat until the days
get longer / / such a relief to get early
after noon sun again / winter soltice hides
the low sun behind mountains / ah but now
she rises again / bright orb / rays fall
through the window / @ 2:30 pm / may be later
soon the half light of march will be upon us
for now / we must be content to let this mild
winter be upon us / / to day rain / hail
thunder / no lightening to be seen / but the long
low grumble of dark clouds filled the valley
the wind set in / side ways / rain comes under the deck
roof / soaks the railing / & the deck floor
Thursday, February 03, 2005
12:50
why such a difficulty to type
back becomes a spasm / stomach twists
head nods heavy / eyes blur
yet / the day not complete
with out one small list of words
it seems now / mind remembers less & less
each day / some thing for gotten
back becomes a spasm / stomach twists
head nods heavy / eyes blur
yet / the day not complete
with out one small list of words
it seems now / mind remembers less & less
each day / some thing for gotten
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
winter sip
& so the bitter cold comes back
& february sets in / winter
it's always kind / when winter
gives lull / lets rain fall
a chance for the earth to breathe
again / let the birds find some food
give thirsty trees a winter sip
how dull these words have become
the gray greens of winter / dark
needle of the cedar / mixes browns
with / / the dirt / snow fights to stay
white / & soon it shall / it will be white
be gone this sick ness of winter /
take your fever & sweat / your
snot & your coughs / / / take this
ill ness & run toward summer
there is nothing remarkable
about cleaning house / uncountable
loads of laundry / /
you / see / in this memory
this flame kept red with fire
step out of my ears / stop singing
ringing / buzz /
red hearts / i see / kitsch jesus cards
toothpaste / ward street / coffee shop
a mirror / what i'm missing is / reflection
high pitched whistle / clink of bottles
the tv set to cbc news /
i looked on a map today / trying some how to close
in the distance between here & there / there's a whole
world between those 2 point / these 2 points
close the book / turn the / why can't this be over
why is there this hope / of meeting / of seeing
will i ever see you again?
dare i say soul mate / dare i say /
crazy / dare i?
mind isn't the same any more / a sadness
like no other / coats the landscape / pervasive
darkness of winter / a shallow trip
when you hit the water / / you will probably
break your ankles / you ribs will snap & dig
in to your guts /
very few live to tell about the the the
4 (second) fall /
a lot of bodies they just never find
some wash up / 30 miles away / eyes eaten by
the crabs ///
the ocean will swallow you
death by drown ing / /
death by pulverized body
plane crash / building falls / impact @ death
a billion tonnes / /
death by wave / / pulverized / crashes in to
the shore / over the shore / lifts / sweeps
pulls / battered / drowned / & battered
like so much sea food / / those bodies
no less / no more / than broken wood
debris strewn along thousands of kilometres of
ocean front property / ah the beach just isn't
what is was / /
death by bullet / bomb / burning
schrapnel with your dinner / in your eye
off with his head / / brains leak out his ear
a head with a face / a lovely head of hair
who cares about death / if you can't live with
dignity / one can only hope the spirit rises &
the finished body isn't all which is left for the
living / /
no no / my life is not hard / it is
western precious / white / first world
& february sets in / winter
it's always kind / when winter
gives lull / lets rain fall
a chance for the earth to breathe
again / let the birds find some food
give thirsty trees a winter sip
how dull these words have become
the gray greens of winter / dark
needle of the cedar / mixes browns
with / / the dirt / snow fights to stay
white / & soon it shall / it will be white
be gone this sick ness of winter /
take your fever & sweat / your
snot & your coughs / / / take this
ill ness & run toward summer
there is nothing remarkable
about cleaning house / uncountable
loads of laundry / /
you / see / in this memory
this flame kept red with fire
step out of my ears / stop singing
ringing / buzz /
red hearts / i see / kitsch jesus cards
toothpaste / ward street / coffee shop
a mirror / what i'm missing is / reflection
high pitched whistle / clink of bottles
the tv set to cbc news /
i looked on a map today / trying some how to close
in the distance between here & there / there's a whole
world between those 2 point / these 2 points
close the book / turn the / why can't this be over
why is there this hope / of meeting / of seeing
will i ever see you again?
dare i say soul mate / dare i say /
crazy / dare i?
mind isn't the same any more / a sadness
like no other / coats the landscape / pervasive
darkness of winter / a shallow trip
when you hit the water / / you will probably
break your ankles / you ribs will snap & dig
in to your guts /
very few live to tell about the the the
4 (second) fall /
a lot of bodies they just never find
some wash up / 30 miles away / eyes eaten by
the crabs ///
the ocean will swallow you
death by drown ing / /
death by pulverized body
plane crash / building falls / impact @ death
a billion tonnes / /
death by wave / / pulverized / crashes in to
the shore / over the shore / lifts / sweeps
pulls / battered / drowned / & battered
like so much sea food / / those bodies
no less / no more / than broken wood
debris strewn along thousands of kilometres of
ocean front property / ah the beach just isn't
what is was / /
death by bullet / bomb / burning
schrapnel with your dinner / in your eye
off with his head / / brains leak out his ear
a head with a face / a lovely head of hair
who cares about death / if you can't live with
dignity / one can only hope the spirit rises &
the finished body isn't all which is left for the
living / /
no no / my life is not hard / it is
western precious / white / first world
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