& so
i flee from home in my broken / did i say
struggling / mini van
down the highway / 25 minutes away from my bed
i've come to try & get some work done
read poetry submissions for horsefly
& try & revisit my play
i have to try & remember how excited about it
i once was / / i know there is a good play lurking
in there some where / but to flesh it out yet again
& again / i don't know how many revisions i've done
but it's been a lot / oiy vay
so i return to the simplicity of blue sky
high long sun / yes solstice is near
& i wonder what it would be like to live
near the equator where the sun give equal hours
equal warmth with every turn of the earth
each day there are less & less words
a head that can't remember
####
sun sets on another day / another valley
quick / may fades with the bloom of lilac
dusk is when i miss you most
dusk is when i miss you most
dusk is when
my eyes heavy & i realize
i miss you most
####
& then it was midnight again
& then one am /
i stared @ my reflection in the window
blue from the light of this screen
& then
i wondered who i was / & i noticed the stringiness
of my neck / thinness of jaw bone
i lit another joint /
so this is what running away from home feels like
i am addicted to midnight & cigarettes &
searching for something i can't have
elusive heart
& i realize i can't write a poem to save my life
you know / & i'm wondering what i'm up too again /
& what is this that
motivates me to be me
/ this is my soul journey?
no / it's not meant to have much meaning
any meaning @ all / it's like trying to explain
why spring moves so fast / & how the garden rushes green
full fold / truest green of all / explain that to me would you
it's like trying to understand the urgency of age / how time
never ends / but life does / & there is much work to be done
my children say i speak the broken english of my father
i say "my father never had an accent"
my hands become his /
& my burden of health is my mother's
is her mother's / generational you say
margaret hornby writes this poem for me:
Jennifer reminds me of seal\ smooth and shiny black
Swimming in an aquarium\ exposed\ no exposing \ safe among flowers
Growing, pulling couch grass
Caring for a garden\ children\ see how still\ for those moments \ away from
a bleak and windswept landscape\ not longing to escape
to swim\swim in the ocean
breathes in a gulp of air
Gazes up at a sky so blue
Catches her breath
Never stops, no regrets \takes a deep plunge into a flower that shines
the brightest fluorescent blue fish\ and carousels
Eyes half open while she
Leans into\ holds \ oh so tenderly a black microphone,
caresses it like a lover
Like a poet.
#####
& then some how every thing is better
there is love in this world / in the fine
moment between dusk & dawn / when heart
moves just a bit faster / & each breath comes with a sigh
this is when my back hurts / insomnia of the worst sort sets in
& eyes begin a slow burn / / i can't remember what you look like any more
only what you tasted like / & how you consumed me / dammed my soul to
your hell / why not / i was surrounded by the dead / still am / walk with me
& the green grass in the grave yard reminds me of you / lifesize angels of marble
they mourn you too / oh the dead / oh the forgotten
& just what is a ten penny girl / a cheap date?
or worse
& the clock ticks 2 am
smoke another night cap / stare @ the stars for a while
listen to the sounds of traffic coming up from the highway
i love the night for it's silence / how sounds travel up & across
the valley / over the crest of kootenay lake / along the bone of my hand
remember watching tv @ 5 am with the volume turned down to nothing
cocaine make ears sensitive / paranoid / night doesn't do that t ome anymore
it's still fear of what can't be seen / what can only be imagined / it's in the faces
i see every where i look / trees @ night / snowbanks in winter / eyes / it's all about
the eyes / & how energy travels from one place to another / it's the sound of the
night bird / calling false away from the nest /
these are the things
which frighten me / things i can't remember /
& my grandmother had crooked little hands / bent from arthritis
she took them to her death / now her ashes sit in the closet of my uncle's house
& what do your ashes mean to you / burnt bone / grey bits
clink of glass carries on the night / a chime / spirit of life
you know who you are
////
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