cluepon 

heart less / a job not done well at all

/





there are no words to describe where
your heart used to be


once / the finest streams
of sunlight moved through you

every thing was green & sparkle
blue of the waters edge




now your heart is a grey february evening
cold / filled with clouds of the heaviest kind
soft clay








i always hate the ground in winter
unyielding / frozen against the blade of my shovel /

in the dream / i dig holes for the dead
the ground is soft sand / warm brown / my shovel
slices through it / / i keep wondering why there are no rocks

how long must i dig / it is neither day nor night







who can see through such thick grey cloud














see / i've got this picture in my mind
of a mother drowning her daughter / / i can't stop her
it's like looking into a crystal ball / /


stop stop i yell / / she drowns all 5





how much pain did it take to kill your child


a lot

a whole lot of pain












& tho i walk through the valley of crazy


fear of the water / take your children to the water
holy baptismal of water / / before the eyes of god
hold your child under the water


& you know / / there 's a struggle
there has to be / / one does not go before the hand of god
with out a struggle















& see / i can't see a thing / it's much too black in side here
too black in side the brain / & she remembers when you loved her






this is the story of pain / & tho we dwell in the house of the lord

we will fear

we will fear

we will fear






love









& the rash on my arms spreads like my anger / my apathy
my mounting frustration / of lost / time moving unbearably fast







what is completion / a job well done






turn to the sun / & with 2 hands
tear your chest open / wide / let the pulse of your guts
feel the breeze of spring / a live / you are alive








& tho i walked through the winter of darkess

i can feel no evil / / / frozen time less















*



wind moved dust in swirls across the street
it might on any other day / make me move a little
quicker up the stairs / climb away to hide / / there was
some thing about the way the sky turned bluer when i turn my
cheek for you to kiss / on any other day i might have wondered why








/











*

night air releases me

/



i forgot about the way
sun sets orange / or was that pink
& how warm the wind can be
uncannily so for april

the day carried it self like june
i curled in to a ball & slept

even the shouts & screams of a water fight
in the back yard / not enough to wake me
out side became my dream




so what if the only sound is a boy dribbling
a ball past the house / / / & bird songs interrupt

blunt reminder / some how spring arrived again
impossibly determinded /

trees covered in chartruse buds / frilled bodice
the finest lace of all

only white leafed poplar has sense to burst over night

in 3 days time / i too shall open



vibration of growth / & how trees turn
green first by the river & work their way up
/ & how grass is such
a deep shade of cool / lush almost /

but you know / mountains are most lee blue still
with a high coat of snow

i felt the cold draft sweep down the north face
after sun set / ice on my shoulders


i know the sun still leans south in the sky
casting shadows longer than my back / there are places
the sun can't reach / will never get to
















*

praise be to spring freak

&


my eyes beat down ward
to below
the deep black earth


filled with hallucination of shadow
i could not for get this game
or the wall constructed in it's honour

what ? / you've used a wall as a metaphor
how undone / un just / so over done

a wall is simply a sign for : you can't come in
nothing radical about that

& these words laugh @ me again / @ her
the girl i write about / the one who can't forget
how life is connected to death / for she
walks thru the valley of / i will fear no evil

the sad girl / hair hangs in her eyes / black black
hair / / / not @ all like me / i've red hair / it's a
degree of seperation / / & the wind blows some thing
small against the glass door / who's there i wonder
& i press up tight against


my self / or may be it was that girl i pressed up
tight against / some how i became that girl / strange lee
strange that it was / / for my self / i have no memory
of tricks or pick up sticks / &
i don't remember being a junkie



but that girl . . . / oh / she remembers things like that
sharp sharp as a tack that girl / her memory serves a cutting dish


things i'd rather not think about / & i was thinking / it's sad
my auntie died / & i wished i could talk to my grandmother again
but was told it wasn't allowed / wishes were simply abstract
phrases we throw around / & besides / / there so many other things
to escape from



those one a m dark thots / they seem to creep up / you know
when the mind goes cyclical / & you can't can't
stop thinking about / what ever it is / / / sex / drugs /
money / work / your neighbour who just died in her back yard
from a heart attack / & how you'd like to fuck the blond who
lives down the corner / but her husband is your friend / & good
people don't do stuff like that / / / or do they ?



see / my girl / she knows about stuff like that / what it's like
to desire what you can't have / / envy / / greed / ah the perfection
of imperfection / she could tell you / what men really want / & what
some women do when no body is looking / / see / there's plenty of people

like that in the world / & me

i just want to write about them / i have no memories of my own
only / simply a girl i write about / a girl who under stands
what it means when streams of blue moon light flood in to the living
room / / she knows the sacred ness of april / & the pale green filigree
announcing the true arrival of / another spin around the sun


she doesn't see it that way tho / caught up in an abysmal darkness
she for ever walks with the dead / / remember / he saw dead people around
her / / / she has met jesus / & died a thousand live times / / over over
i kept waking up / & i for got i hadn't been reborn since yesterday /
hazy / dream @ best


my self / i struggle to remember the names of flowers / what we did
yesterday / eventually it comes / oh yes / freesia or was that forsythia
well / they were yellow & they were love lee / & they make me think of aunt
vickie / with her run down mansion / she lost the keys to her lincoln continental
in the bottom of a dumpster /












*





midnite comes late / / almost 2
& this is what i get for my trouble

no no / really / i think you should call steve
yeah / i think he said his name was steve jones
i thought he sounded like a woman / but fuck
what do i know / so many freaks these days




+

heart crucifies soul

*



& so she discovers heart
malcontent organ /


so certain it was handed to you


& again i walk with you in the valley of spring nights

& i don't know what happens when we hit this side of the sun










noise rises on spring air / car engines / the train
friday nite / & think of the people in the bars
drunk on design / inhibitions dropped to the floor
like cigarette ashes / nothing left in the morning
except grey dust



& down stairs the stereo pumps bass through the floor
pushing me further in to night call / crouched over
tense / bottom less / forget where i'm going / /
my silence forgotten / we drop away like black flies
in the rain / crawl away hoping our wings will dry

just one more time




& i recall a time much like this time
before the hardening / when death seemed an option
i gathered wings & died a thousand deaths /

remember / you held my hand /

i think about a day / much like this one
balmy april / my belly swolled / filled with / de sire
the sun lapsed in dirty windows / out side was just that

a place i couldn't get too / / i curled up against the bone
of your back / held on in anticipation of certain separation
sweet soap cover ed your skin / bitter against the back of my teeth


he bites her lip / breaks the skin
she smells like lavender / white skin so white
he takes her again / she gives to him
her self / / small offering of love / bursts @ the hips



& see time has a way of making people forget or
remember to forget / you know/ the body changes
heart becomes / is a fragile muscle /



& i've for gotten who i once was / /

some how i became your memory / & my
haven't we changed for the better dahling







i remember the narrow of your waist / fine boned
graceful / & the span of your back / long spine
coiled against / my stomach / wrapped tight around
the length of my soul /

i became your cross / crucifixion of spirit / ghost















*





what is this / unreason of mind / why heart
behaves as it does / with out compunction
a matter of love & death / a realization of
soul as indeterminable /















*
but really it makes no sense /





head becomes heavy again /again / & some thing
about this odd april warm / almost full moon
doesn't bring frost / / ah but don't trust it
the way clouds billow black in the middle / & how
the moon makes clouds glow blue / these are simply tricks
to make me stop thinking /





*

compassion / i did not ask

*




it is in this time of solitude
when spring day rests in the quiet
hours of twilight





& so the days become dreamy / almost
& spring cusps / ah i think this is when i love
you most / /



out side the boys play street hockey
cars don't slow down / soon soon some one will cry
the 5 year old / maybe the screaming redhead / all of 7 now

5 brothers



& this mother worries / for these boys





& some where on this day of bright sun light walks
to town / i decided that i would only write in the light


a child cries / ((the five year old))

*see i told ya . . .




+

(bubble bursts) - & it becomes / damn it's night
time again / clock strikes midnight / & i sit
alone in my head





wonder why she doesn't fit in



& i realize i'm chronically stoned


oh fuck



just try ing to kill the pain


& to day i go to the holy smoke culture shop / go looking for
pot tincture / brings up the appetite / good for people
with cancer / / he hasn't been eating / one bottle of stout
@ dinner & a couple of drops of tincture under the tongue

it goes into the blood immediately / saves the lungs from smoke

after a chat with paul the owner / & a hit off a raucous looking
cigarette / i'm off to the compassion club / it is here i'm given
a small brown vial of drops

i didn't have the suggested amount of twenty bucks
& so offered to come back & the fellow says "oh never mind
the first one is free / see if it helps your friend"
we chat about the positive effects of pot on cancer patients
i have 10 bucks in my purse
i give it to him / one thing supports another

you know / & then i'm back into the sunshine
i deliver the drops to my friend / warn him
of the potential loss of balance from the dose
as his legs are weak @ best right / walking becoming
increasingly more difficult


*end note

i must say i had very interesting conversations
with both paul & phil / these two gentle men
are easy going intelligent guys who
carry them selves with an absolute calmness
& a sense of humour & humility



theirs is a public service / /
i say / better than prozac





welcome to the church of the universe

i divine thee with light




& she wanders off on to / in to a nother / post apocolyptic
rant


lay your hands across my body / & i shall whisper
well / some thing / my season of discontent swift lee
rises up throught the new grass of spring / early pale green

you know the one

& my belly flutters / like those smallest green buds
twisting free of winter / ah let the sun warm the trees

let's cast away these thoughts of death & winter darkness
we've left that side of the sun for a while / let's not
think about it / how cold it is over there / looking north
north / in to a black winter sky / it always kills me

let's kick up our heels / feel our feet touch the ground
let's be grateful for another year / & my belly double knots

& i wonder / did you think of me / & what's it like to be near
me / but not able to touch me / lest the rest of the world find
out / / well / it's just an off chance / wild in the aroma of
spring / can you taste it




walk past the valley of darkness


remember that we can't really have each other / it's just a passing
trip / / share this bed / sleep in that bed / i go
deep under / & i don't even realize it

ah the power of birth


& even now the night bird calls a distress signal
stay away from the nest / lead me / temptation less i follow


mind wanders when i walk / oh the possibilities
& bodies / toss toss toss / roll through this night

& some thing in side snaps & i wonder what i've done
& i can't be resposible / but in fact i am / & what shall
i do with all this / children that can't be contained
small boys in small boy bodies / fighting demons like
their mother / / fighting demons from their mother

& i did not ask for you to get me born

& i think / no you did not / & this becomes / is an
exercise in futility



& now i shall / will / lay beside your back & will you
know i am there / & will you sling your arm across the
small of my waist / pull me close / you've been gone so
long & yet / / we wait / for love






*



*

when i'm jesus

when i'm jesus 

such a bizarre picture / brooksy & i were out for a walk this morning
& he took this picture / because his digital camera has no
view screen / he has to imagine what the shot will look like

he said 'this is not what i expected'

he expected me to be a blur
simply a 'background' to the dandelions

but this . . .




*

a matter of death

/




this day of april / sun strays constant
behind clouds /




this is the hand of cold
numb





& tho we walk through the valley of
spring / fear / we fear no evil

look death straight in the face
where else are you going to go

it's another phase / some where
between life & death / white


& i close my eyes again / wish not
to see / / & death crosses over

just one more time / / /




try to under stand what dying is

hold it / touch it / open your eyes
look



& i will fear no evil



late lee / i wake / late nite /
always cruis'en / up up awake again
the ritual of the mid nite / late nite
smoke / body craves






i for get / constant lee / why 'm here
that i'm here / /




& some where between a point of light &
stars
who hang out @ the edges of mountains

the dark dreams ended / fell away

i stopped caring


really / i just don't care any more / who's got time
to think / when the brain is a series / too much spring cleaning
& a thousand corners filled with piles of life / & laundry
& children who cry / & eat / & need





&

this life is not over yet / & again


the words look odd / / some thing about the smell
of hospital / / antiseptic & cinnamon

the colour yellow / & a harp with one bad string















& once i laid in the shadow of your body
clinging to the cool spot between your ribs


but you suppose it didn't happen / & january
became march / april fell hopeful in to june

& time disappeared like the thought i carried
(eternal memory / i think it was) of a passion

of a kiss / a hand across the narrow path of my waist


gone / it was simply gone / & one day is was spring
& it's funny how when a feeling leaves / the pressure
to remember becomes irrelevent / & certain lee irreverant

i will fear no evil














it's the cut of your jaw i remember
the sun flashing off your teeth / white
the way you smiled / the crazy of your mind

& some times i smile / i think of the self
proclamation / assertion of belief & how in the end
i walked away almost beliving / almost considering
truth / / but i know you're not jesus
&

i know a lesson when i've earned it









but st.ill there is confusion about the
earth's axis / where i sit when i'm on this side of the
sun / & how can autumn even be close to spring
when one is living & one is dying






*

CLICK ON PICTURE - i love this game

oh - those crazy chinese 

yes this is a toy i bought at the dollar store to include
birthday grab bags / 2 of them broke immediately in the hands
of the four year old / / i think that this is perhaps the worst
case of translation i have ever seen / lol


it's an intelligent game for a family to be a happy field

say wha . . . . lmfao

thanx to brooksy for scanning this for me / thanx to
"basket ball" the intelligent game







*

shallow april

/



& i fell before you

in grace / mouth bitter / lost





every thing tastes like yellow


& wisps of whitest cloud rise above kootenay lake
melt against the blackness of an april rainy nite

every thing is a shine a gain / roads / shovel left
half buried in the garden / yellow handle bright a gainst
this spring brown / / & you know / soon the leaves will green / /

but for now rain must be content to polish pines & cedars
& branches left bare & brown by 2 cold seasons /





st.ill one thinks / this is not the time to die / spring is
coming & there is a constant thud in the back of my head
& the brain makes one do such funny things



i hold my head in prayer again / heavy / always my head
feels so heavy / / & sleep well little ones / / some one
watches / & the nod of night time persists / calls








& we smoke cigs & weed & talk / break the rules
stay up late / no booze tho / too much medication




balance / balance is off / hard to lift the feet




& rain drops / make noises as water gathers / runs
along / down the roof / in to the plugged gutters
over flow / drip drip / sounds like some one's knocking

shiny white baubles gather on the under side of the power lines
a long strand of jiggling pearls / constant lee forming & breaking
off / another drip drop hits the ground / this happens a million times
over / just how many drops of rain did fall?





i can't remember right now / / only that words constant lee
look strange / & i can't think of the right ones to use

i for get how i used to be / i'm certain i was
wind / but not more than a shadow as i moved through
mountains / over glaciers / a cross water / some days
i'd even tumble down a mountain draw / following creeks
i was the wind in the forest / some times un seasonably
warm








*

shallow water

*


& so night time rolls back day light
gone again / hours move by & i'm wondering
if we had this conversation already



i'm certain i lived this point in time before

dejavu / the mind processing this moment as if
it were a memory / /


& see / did the sun ever shine as bright
before as it did to day / & oh those worms
i'm digging in the garden / they run from my shovel
long pink bits of flesh / slip up & out of the clumps
of grass



how much & how little

that's all i wanted to know

how much & how little

it's all i wanted to say

but you say / there is nothing

left to say / it's like saying

i burned all your letters / they

didn't mean much compared to the pink

june sky / glazed over wet green / words

became mean ing less / meaning: less

& you were forgotten . lost again / erased

like a conte' crayon / a touch up @ best


& i though / for some reason or another

i could never for get you / like one never forgets

crocus & snowdrops are the first flowers of spring

& how the garden turns that brilliant lime green

as the buds burst for ward / on ward / to ward



life is for questioning / faith is for granted

& yet a constant veil of blue smoke coats caresses

remembers me / as if i were the ash falling from the

sky / & you question me with a look of indifference

be wil der ment / wild eyed / some how i can never

question august / or september for that matter


& when the dark nights came / i questioned every thing

why why / i asked over / over again / why / & the dark

night rolled in to a ball with me / curled as if for a

small moment / i was back in side my mother //


that is when


my heart left again / or perhaps it was eye who

threw it out in to the cold december night / / you know

for years it was january / / cold / always cold / & a body

such as mine / doesn't soon for get a frozen heart / black

it turned the blackest shade of dark / nothing could be done

for it / except to wait for this season of a million moments

to end / certain lee / spring was bound to show up / if only

one waited long enough / /



so i waited.







& i lost you / can't remember what you look like









//

& words look strange to me again

it wasn't how he said it
as much as what he didn't say



a convoluted line / @ best


lost again / / trips to the hospital
up & about





comprehend the infinite

i don't know if i can

j'than writes such big thoughts
& makes me think / think / stare out in to the
black sky / stars / count 'em / & it's so fucking huge

where do i go / where do you go

when when














& so these thoughts never stop / friday / night /
saturday / oh & so these thoughts never stop / '''




these days run in to blurs of things to be done

the garden takes much time now / flower beds to be dug &
weeded / spring clean up / turn the soil / turn the compost
half rotted / remnants of last fall /

another season / with cold days

the worms are fat after a long winter sleep

some how the spring side of the sun / so different than
the autumn / a different tilt of the axis



i take sandwiches / chocolates & juice to the hospital
treats / there is nothing extra for an old man dying of brain cancer
with out the operation a couple of months @ best
with the operation maybe a couple of years

he opted for a couple of years
& the drs cut a round hole in the top of his head

now he can't walk / body forgets / /


is this worth it he asks me


they gave him a happy pill















& i for get what i'm doing
& don't you suppose we should all for get

the numbness of body & heart / the reason
we all came to be /

this person who looks @ you from the mirror

& they call these / lessons

a joke of sorts one supposes / one always supposing
for you see

it had every thing to do with the garden & all her
secrets / stashes of lovelies / flora of the sweetest

i got lost out there continually / siezed by a mania of sorts
the colour of grass / call of the weeds / / it started with
brown grass turning green / & oh / when the trees burst / & flowers
began to bud / certainly i remember / i remember / remembering

we crossed over to this side of the sun again / along that invisible
path / worn / worn / how many times around now?



& the weeds in the garden / already insidious / crawling through
the soil @ an alarming rate / tap roots & runners /

i turn the earth
with my shovel

father brings me some gardening gloves out of the trunk of his car
i lift & weed / make giant piles on the walk way / the lawn / all around
the garden bed

hours dissolve













*

one more loop around the face of god

& so

i set sail around the sun again


such a tragic ride this time

the circle


thins







a body so in to over drive

it


thins







to day the sun tries so hard to shine

clouds clouds / always clouds in the sky

i wish they would get out of the way


instead the sky fills with thunder heads

that



do nothing

except cover el sol



judy our neighbour had a massive heart attack on sunday
it took the ambulance for ever to come / so says my mother
who stood on the front porch trying to figure out what was going
on at judy's house

apparently she brain dead & will die any time now






you know & it goes

some thing like that / / / die any time now








can't stop think ing about judy

retired nurse
alcoholic husband
heavy smoker
bingo
wild sons in to mountain biking
& other extreme sports
son almost died in a car crash last year


massive heart attack


wtf does that mean



did her heart just explode






& now she's laying in a hospital bed
brain dead


waiting wait wait to die


just like that / one day you're @ bingo
the next / well

i was hoping to talk to her tonight says mom
but she wasn't there






mean while

the crocus continue to push up up up
every where / the yard / patches / bits of

damn it i need to get out & rake / father is here
if i go out / he'll come with me / he's already planted
snow drops all over the place


but some how / the days have a furious shortness to them
a flurry of every thing & nothing / it just goes

& some times between the loads of laundry / the constant
cleaning of the kitchen / meals / i feel like running
far & fast /














so i light another joint
puff / puff & relax

smoke the smoke








remember that i'm killing my self


surrender / i had to surrender in order to quit

lose the fear / & just be / with out smokes

i don't know if i can do that





i feel so crazy in side when i try to quit
it makes me smoke more / / but some days

i hardly smoke at all / / mostly i guess because
there isn't time - - -


& just where in the hell did time go
is what i'm wondering

& then i remember / it was left on the other
side of the sun / /

& tho i walk in the valley of darkness

i will fear evil / so much in fact





rise / i say / rise
there is no other way to go
ascention


he says he saw 3 laughing angels when he died
from his heart attack / /

he says / he went through a tunnel
& a man's face / like a giant logger
said no / it isn't time yet / but he did n't speak
sorta sent it telepathicly

some thing like that






i don't know what i believe

mighty question of ? what 's on the other side
can i get there from here //// what if i just expand
from the inside out un til there is nothing left of me
& i'm truly @ one with the all mighty universe


then what

cruel galactic godistic joke

& night falls early on this day of

time change /

who the hell can really change the time any ways
time is






the space between this year & last




a life time













& tho i walk thru the valley of darkness
i will fear no


evil / / no

no evil








for i will walk into the valley of kings
for i will be king of kings






avail of darkness


& i cover my eyes / my face
pull down my hat / & wonder






should i light another cigarette

& each time i do / a child cries

this day has been too long / too short



& the spring air / april fails to warm
4 days in / the ground cold / the ground
always cold / / death to winter






to day i saw yellow violets / must have
must go back with a spade & pail

in my garden violets / purple / white
dainty things that they are

some one smells like violets / sweet

& the white lilies in walmart make me
thing some one has died again


yes well we are heading over to so & so's funeral
we thought we'd just stop in for your opening first
grab a burger & then head over

& life goes on / so they say

& the woman standing at the bbq flips
another rare burger on to a cold white bun


serve it up while it's hot


& the sun rises just a bit higher in the sky
if only we could see through the high cloud mass
cumulus / (heads off to dictionary dot com)

ah
altostratus
grayish or bluish layer of clouds
obscures the sun

yes / that's the one killing the sun


& so / i sit on the floor again
cold tile / electric heater @ my knee



& think about time change & stars moving around the sky
shift ing / all ways / the galaxy / sun / moon / every thing
swirls in giant circles / dust / bits of nothing / we are






so
small
on
this
planet




so
mighty
in
our
heads








what a joke / a cruel galactic godistic joke



& she / mother gaia / so alone / she travels

wounding / repairing / / spin / spin


& we grow from her / nothing with out







does each spin around the sun scare her









can she count how many times









how many stars has she fallen in love with















a series of
nothing but late night



& i burn my last stick
of nag champa

braise in the smoke of cigarettes & candle wax


i've felt cold for days now
sudden chills / malaise of the body


now to change the body's clock




& morning comes too soon / & night brings



wakeful sleep / /



& you know / just for a moment
i finally for got about you



the moment lapsed in to a day & then a night
a week went by




my heart finally stopped pounding

& then it just stopped

went cold (as they say)

& i dropped 4 tablets @ bed time

to help you sleep / relieve the pain

& remembered

i didn't need to sleep any more

i for got what i when in to the kitchen for

but it was

only for a moment / an instant in time

like say / the amount it takes for the earth

to sail around the sun one time

those measurements added up to years of my life

a billion or so / a few plates drifting here / there

a bit of intercontinental stuff / a few dinosaurs

a lot of exotic flowers / /




& i think about all the prayers right now

every one praying for safe passage on the next

trip around /



are you ready for heaven


i'm not

the great pyramid 

some thing to hold

8
8
8
8
8
8




i am preoccupied with thoughts of
nothing & every thing


death



so predominant

@ the top of the list





death


seems to find me in the strangest ways
likes to stare straight on in to my eyes
nose to nose


stop that / you're scaring me



& he grows whiter @ every turn of my head
each rise of smoke from my cigarette
each coarse word from the dry of my throat


let me tell you what


what


death likes me / favours me / teases
the sanctity of this never ending search for



well what ever it is that lies ahead
the elusive




it's in the hands of god now

& john paul is propped up one more time
shrinking curvature of body / ah this is age
in it's cruelest moment
stealing the body's right to function





yes

it's in the hands of god now

is this what he had in mind

is that why god is always portrayed
as a wizened old man / eternal
grey haired / holding a staff


ah things to look for ward in the after life



or do we just go on / recyled bits of most minute
materials / water of the smallest sort / bits of bone
& ash / oh mineral / / /


& i hug him good nite & walk out the door
& i always wonder if this is going to be the last time
i see him




frail


the cancer has made him frail / the hole cut in the top of his
head has made him frail / / / & oh that cancer / it loves to travel
yes it does








so we smoke cigarettes / i take him weed
split the pack of smokes before i leave
does it really matter any more
an old mans pleasure


he says / i can't get it up any more
all the medication / i just have to find a lady
who is into the oral pleasure


he sleeps in the living room now / traded his bed for
a futon / / hows that to sleep on i ask suspiciously
when he says good / i don't believe him

then again / he is an old hippie . . .




sad when friends die







it seems like there has been a lot of death lately
a trend or something / / seems like every one is falling
some days it seems like every one is getting older /

what happened to that youth / i'm sure it was around here somewhere
i'm certain


i placed it right over here






so then what

mother said / age gracefully / don't deny
natural progression / /




& my mouth bitters again /








i cannot accept this / / resist i cry / push my feet into the
soil / drag me if you have to / i won't go willing lee / i'm too
young to be this old / i don't go for this thining skin & weight
gain stuff / never mind the grey hair & the lost thoughts & the
age that creeps up around my mouth & lower cheeks / / if i was a man
i would vainly grow a beard / /







to day i hold baby iris
ten days old / she sounds like a kitten
mewling & smacking her very small lips
against each other / i wrapped her tight
in a blanket & rocked her
she crashed back in to the other side
i could tell by her dreams / her face
a moving expression of smiles frowns
fluttering eyelids / what dreams of babies

st.ill on the other side of nothing
her only memory / her mother's heart beat
the sway of her mothers hips

a memory some where of being something
some place else / some one else
does she remember dying before being born

i'm envious of her mother / a tiny baby
to sleep with / to nurse / to hold to hold to hold


& my babies are not babies any more

iris

sitting on the bathroom floor
white tile / cold hard / electric heater
blasts beside me / blows my cigarette smoke
back into my face

this was the day of almost spring
sun straying from behind clouds
the air finally warming

but st.ill nite time arrives
cold / almost zero / frost covers the
car in the morning / puddles freeze

yes we are st.ill on this side of the sun
sailing / yes one supposes we are spinning
but i prefer the nautical approach
isn't the universe much like a vast sea
if you sail to the edge / we might all fall off


what a ride / but certainly it is cold early spring

bit by bit / every 24 hour spin / takes that mean
sun higher on my horizon / evening light creeps up
in / over / north side of the house begins to feel
the rays / touched ever so slight lee

so light lee / & green begins to spring from the brown
soil / today columbine / tiny tender / purple clover like leaves
a beautiful fairy flower for ever marred by a school shooting

death of the columbine / i like the yellow ones best




snow drops are full bloom now / & crocus handsomely clad purple
& orange sprouting up from slender point leaves

ah these dreams of gardens & flowers & may & green june
you know some thing shifts / the earth i'm presuming



& i'm certain now / that i can go on / always moving for ward
wish i could go

back


to ward the sun






& body becomes late night
unforgiving / & oh

i think i've been here before


don't you remember

an old man poet phones me to recite a poem
i can't hear / don't wish to know



& you speak of iris the colour of girl pee
yellow pale giants
& you speak of iris / one eye to see all
washing the earth clean

for this i carry your cross

my burden


& i wonder
why you tell me these things /