when late nite becomes too / much

some times
i for get who i am / / most days / disappear in to

more days / & it is futile to get worked up about things like
the lawn needing to be mowed / & laundry / & the state of my office







oiy vay / & i'll be damned / i'm sure i'm damned






& the day goes some thing like this / a blur a / fog of morning
& school's out for summer / & piles of paper appear on the table
cleaned out from lockers & desks / & what to recycle & what to keep
& i tuck things away / because they will never return to this moment
this very instant in time / & remember when / i try to remember when

yes / a child / once i was a child / & i remember lonely / disappointment
& yahoo / let's stay up late / & sleep all day / & no no / it's time for bed
but some don't go / & 1 am finds the girl child milling about the house /
not tired / / /

i demand my space / send her away / yet / she reappears again & again








& now i rock this side of the clock & oh i'll pay tomorrow / when the sun is high
& my head lop sided with tired / fails to pay /



& you see / i am lost in a sea of thought / a head that won't stop thinking
& i'm so glad the garden keeps growing / perhaps tomorrow sun will shine
with out clouds / with out the darkness of day crushed by storm &
rain / oh / the rain / & it falls heavy / fills yellow ice cream pails /
the rusted red wheelbarrow /puddles / it gathers & falls some more /
peoneys knocked to the ground/ the lupins finished
& i'll never get caught up / & some thing about dead head ing panseys
& god damn it / the slugs are having a field day / strawberries are ripe


& you see / this is the height of summer / & i can see stars to night
clouds & all / now wisps / & behind elephant mountain / lightening
lights / vibrates the sky / i wait for aurora / & those nights when shocks of
white / streaks of green / the sky is falling / & light swoops across the roof
of the house /





& i am okay with this / cold warm night / & skin is happy to be bare
only wishes to be touched / / lover / where do you sleep / not with me

i sleep the alone sleep of mother / constant touch of child / & i am never alone
& i am always al one / wish me out of this head / & i dream of / obsess /

fox glove / & i am poison / words cycle out again / & the air smells different tonight
return to willow / hand on my stomach / pull couch grass / clover / fat leaved weeds
willow always bends / / & i am on my knees again / my hands / face against the couch
spine mocks the shoulders / /


i for get why i came here / & this was a prayer for what / a just cause

you are my sick ness - in 3 move ments

---

i. the truth is this

i miss him /
the one i crave /

you don't really love him

but see / i do /
love an aspect of him

the
hold me in your arms / i love the smell
of your skin / aspect of him
the soften ing / when his voice quiets / tenders
when he says / i love you too

up stairs children wiggle in their beds
thump thump / against the wall /
what dark dreams of children

reminded
he comes home to morrow / he never left
his touch / oh those kisses /

& when i laid on top of you / your heart / your breath
so close to me / / i loved

ride the fantasy / only for another instant
just this second / there isn't any other moment

because salt only tastes like salt
& spit is the elixer of love / & blood
washes red / /

ii. & so rain falls

constant reminder
summer is over / garden becomes / is a state of
rot / flowers most lee gone / a few token roses
a few arrogant sun flowers / & white echinacea
orange oranger centres

garden begins to shrill yellow
grass / leaves / get ready to die
autumn comes / days drop off
in to longer nights / evening sun
warm nights / distant / not for got ten

how long must i wait for this fool ish sun
to rise high again / can't stop this earth from
spinning so hard / so fast / i don't want to /
measure time this way / /

iii. she wants to measure time

in kisses / tongue snakes
in / out / slip er ee / wet / breath on breath
mouths lock ed in passion / hands pull / pull
time measur ed in / the next time i see you

so you see
this is a lament / for time gone
a change in the seasons /

i miss you like crazy

no real words / adequate enough
to describe / the whole hole in side

bees @ my knees

i am pulling grass for jesus

jesus / i'm pulling grass / & the
garden grows up up up

so much colour / & how do i move
the garden to the page / how can i begin
to explain /

about the bees / & wasps / & how the garden hums
with pollination / & how the raspberries canes are
bigger than they've ever been before / loaded with
raspberry buds / & how the crack of a golf ball cutting
in to the rough / makes me jump & say / fuck


i'm lost in a cloud of / a haze of june
& i can't remember how i got here /

sun fights with the clouds to stay shining
but even in the over cast / the day remains warm
muggy / & oh the flowers love this day / blue lark spur
un folds / tall /

robins rustle around in the hawthorn thicket
& one after another / golfers line up / on the tee
behind me / invisible through layers of trees
& raspberry canes / it always comes back to the canes

for summer is here / & the sound of lawn mowers
& cars racing down the road fills my ears /

so i smoke a nother joint / a nother puff / &
i light a nother cigarette / & drink more coffee

what else to do on a sunday / as the house
collapses in side / & children jump on the bed
as they watch tv in mama's room / & dishes pile
in the sink / along the counter / & laundry
never ending / never ending / never ending laundry


the garden is full of colour / texture / so much
growing / & i sit / & watch / & look / & listen
in awe

how summer compensates for winter

& how to day / 2 giant red / orange oriental poppies
open / so open / / /







fox glove blooms now / tall / elegant
pinks & whites & purples & apricots & yellows
one @ a time / each bud opens its way
up the stock /



& my pile of cigarette butts grows bigger
i thin again

chain smoking for jesus
jesus i'm chain smoking again

& i wonder what this death wish is really all about


i return to pink & purple lupins / & wild daisies
& the corner of the yard where buttercups be yellow
for what else can i call them / & we stop to find
lady bugs /

& i drink cold coffee / try to remember what i should
be doing to day

& i am grateful for wire less in ter net
& my little black lap top /




& sundays

summer solstice / back to ward the sun

want nothing & you shall have every thing



a poem in it's self / truth















& so / i am waiting for / spring

today / summer rushes in
sun in the morning / blue sky for ever

@ 1 pm / the day changed to black cloud
& thunder /


yes / the day darkened / & my head felt
heavy from a shallow nite's sleep /
oh i walk through the valley of weary


& the house is a bit emptier tonite
he is gone again / again he is gone

but 5 weeks is nothing /
no thing to complain about

already the line up for my bed begins

mama remember you said when daddy left
i could sleep in your bed / except they don't call
him daddy / they call him by his name




& i wonder where i came from







it's a funny thing that // rain
falls from the sky / & i can not think of a single
thing which might free me from being who i am

i fail to make sense



& i am losing weight again / stomach stopped
cold / & i think / summer summer you 've arrived again


wheeze stick of my lungs / fills me with cough
ache / & you know / it's dark out side / & sudden lee
it's me / alone / again / in this big house on the hill
& the street lamp out side / is out // so strange
we stand on the porch every night & wish that fucking
light away / or @ least a lamp with a sconce so the light
goes down / not up & out in to our eyes / so we wish
it away / & to nite / sudden lee /

it's gone

& i think lightening hit it / cause the
biggest boom rattled the house today
& lightening balls in front of my eyes
so strange to live high on the mountain
where the weather weaves across the land scape


in side the storm


i don't mind the sound of thunder /
lightening cracks / i open the wind
& listen to rain bounce off the roof
before spatting to the ground / smack
against the leaves / the flowers / bang
bang
bang


i'll flatten you













& so i tried to write a poem
about thunder / but i couldn't
describe how it made me feel

per haps like sleep ing / i'm sure
that was it / sleep ing / always sleep ing

& he says / you can sleep after you die
the eternal rest / for ever / sleep ing for ever
no wonder people wish to die /


& yet the thunder remains elusive
a big bang here / it shook the floors
a big crack there / blinded me
& all the while / the longest days of the year
obscured by black clouds





/

the earth st.ill spins for me

& so there are no words left on this late nite




body rocks with chill sik flu / snot runs / lungs ache



& i am disappointed / & hide













& i am full of sadness for my children
who are full of sadnes for a mother
who is

full of sadness







& i wonder / did i turn the right corner / maybe i should have
taken the left turn /



face burns / i'm sorry little ones / i for got about you

& this is the mother who writes stories about killing children
& mothers who go crazy

this is the mother who tries to for get

6 washed through me // me //

a gate way for / in . to / life /

& i never asked you to get me born





some how it seems so pretentious to be alive

& who cares about you any ways / & who will love your children
if you don't / tell me / who will love the children


no one







fathers missing


& you / lucky child /


this is your mother / her /she / that woman over there
bent over in the garden / bent over the key board
bent over / oh all you little ones / i wish to stretch my back

stand up / for a moment / i'm certain i was taller once










& so it goes / day feeds in to nite feeds in to summer
feeds in to the whole damn thing spinning once more around the sun







just remember: never cry


never say your sorry
& only love one




yeah / where are my babies / growing up in to
a way / & i for get that i for got to love you more



& so the day closed in grey / much too gray
clouds above elephant mountain moved north
while the clouds above the lake moved south

it reminded me of june / & the lush of rain
pouring out of the sky /& the lush of thunder cracking
the sky / all added up to late spring /

you see / this is when the garden glowed green est of all
& the lupins became purple & my eyes turned black





see i haven't the foggiest idea of what i'm going on about
it means nothing

no more than a sneeze / a broken flower in the rain
or / slugs eating the yellow iris /


on the back porch a yellow ice cream pail filled with
ten thousand snails / who eventually free them selves
by crawling out over the edge / down the side/ anteanna waving
/ / they know
this isn't the right place to be / just like i know

this isn't the right /

place to be / /



i really do wish i could walk on water










*****



this is not what i really wanted / just a bit a fun
a break away / a care away /


(he lifts her from the floor / cradles her)


why why he wants to know / but he knows the truth
(they always know the truth)


& so gideon whispers in her ear:

bloodless nights transparent in the moon
ageless mercy nurtures your womb

cross hangs on the back of a scarecrow
winds blow over harvest fields

shadows shone the dawn
with the crescent glory of despair


& she says / glory of despair
yes / me / despair / right because

after all / isn't that what you wanted

& i am fall ing down ward





& one supposes that fall ing down ward would be the most
natural thing in the world


& i imagine on a night like to night / when whitest clouds
do the drift / & a few brave stars stick around to twinkle twinkle
because they know / those damn stars / i need them /
that i shouldn't be listening to the killing words of gideon

so poisonous /




& st.ill i find my self walk ing through the valley
of

fear no evil /



so i look / to ward the light / you know / try & imagine i'm jesus
or lucifer / either one / i'm partial to both / & if i had wings i'm sure one
of them would be torn away by now / bleed ing / i'd probably be bleeding






& why you gotta hurt the ones you love / why you gotta say the things you do



these are not poems / these are not even words /
i for get what i came here to say / i for got why i came here @ all




& i am drowing in sadness / & i don't know why
































/

natural disposition of the poet

Scene 3
NATURAL DISPOSITION OF THE POET

(GRACE types frantically. LEOPOLD reads the BOOK OF THE DEAD.)

(NIRVANA enters and flops down on the couch.)

NIRVANA:

What are doing Grace?

GRACE:

I’m writing.

NIRVANA:

Oh, a new book, how exciting. What’s it about?

GRACE:

Nothing. I’m not writing a new book.

NIRVANA:

Just remember Grace, a good story has tension and plenty of drama. Make us care about the characters. (She becomes dramatic) Remember she was kind before she was crazy. Mental illness destroys her rational. In a bid to stop the voices she kills everyone around her. The children –

GRACE:

What a crock of shit. It’s all lies!

NIRVANA:

Well, we won’t get into the children. That’s another story. But, incredibly, on her deathbed, raving out of her mind, Poet Grace cuts a lucrative book deal.

LEOPOLD:

Oh finally. Good Grace.

GRACE:

I don’t have a book deal!

NIRVANA:

Of course you don’t. Leopold, you must remember poet Grace.

GRACE:

Stop talking about me. I hate that. I’m right here.

LEOPOLD:

Oh yes, I remember Poet Grace. Didn’t she gain notoriety a few years back?

NIRVANA:

Yes. She was arrested crossing into America with a box of books intended for distribution. Now, what was it called again?

GRACE:

Free Weed, Bad Seed.

LEOPOLD:

Poetry?

NIRVANA:

Ha. Poetry. A book filled with I smoke pot and gardening poems. No wonder it never sold.

GRACE:

That’s a lie. It was more than just gardening poems.

NIRVANA:

Oh right. There was suicidal maniac section.

GRACE:

It wasn’t like that.

NIRVANA:

Well, what was it like then?

GRACE:

I put my heart into those poems.

LEOPOLD:

Well, they are pretty depressing to read. They just go on and on. Why can’t you write poems about happy things?

GRACE:

Because –

NIRVANA:

It is the natural disposition of the poet to plan her own death. And everyone elses. To mull it out, roll it around in her head, on her tongue, off the tip of her finger tips. The poet confesses dark thoughts run through her head in the dark hours, right before dawn when she wakes for the 3rd time at night.

(END SCENE)

more word searches that lead to my blog

i think that some of these are down right creepy

blog weaving

wild-run 05

finch in the pyramids

jenninot drown corpse

poetry, lilacs and rainy days

POEMS ABOUT A LOCKET OF HAIR

abstracts on soil errosion from different books

i wanna feel you.....your touch.....your mouth....your love...

baby finch lost weight

jenn finch

"grandeur imperial" mattress

outa body mommy

i love basket ball pictures

bredl

noverili

what searches lead to my blog

baby finch death

"erin monahan"

i'm jesus

teen tit's (again / this person must be interested in poetry more than porn – have I converted some one??? I must say blogger is certainly set up for search engines)

My name is satan (well @ least they got one thing right - gee hope this person wasn't to disappointed either . . .)

& i'm hearing ghosts again / bits of nothing

/


& so i smoke pot
to recover / in to the night



this body twists pain / a constant reminder

i'm alive



spent the evening working on the play
(ran run running /i ran away from home
for a couple of days to do it)


falling / falling in to place / i'm starting to feel good about it

*note: it will pass













i gave you 2 flat round rocks


i like round rocks i said


what else of me did i have to give


certain lee not the love you de sired


don't ask me why i do the things i do


i don't have an answer


most days green is my favourite colour









& i for got folding in to you

i for got where i put my worry stone













& summer solstice moves closer / sun is almost high

still / it leans south in the sky / never quite high noon

some days i for get how to spell words / & i can't remember
what you look like / it scares me







& i am covered in sad ness / for my child
who gets sent home from school for fighting

is it me that's failing /

& i remember children with no mothers




up the street a raucous party rages

drunks high on saturday & beer

voices / shouts & laughter / echo the neighbourhood
big engine trucks / doors slamming shut / glass
guys with big mouths hoot holler / drunk alive

some where lost in the noise /
stereo roars base base base

& a cat screams / did a car hit it
death on the high way / vehicles roar out


& then you know / some one's car alarm goes off
honk honk honk honk honk honk
some one please / turn that fucking thing off

the neighbour hood doesn't wake up
they only
shift / cough / turn over & grab their pillows
an added layer to their dreams

i smoke another cigarette & listen


there is some thing warm about the sound of a big
party in the distance / rise & fall of voices / intimate incounters
formed by alcohol alliance / illicit drugs & secrets // a place
to get lost in the crowd ///



i'm glad i'm not there / i am not safe there any more










* yet i crave the party / body craves mind craves
moment of drunken abandon / when i become beautiful
to my self in the mirror


**oiy/the next morning thawarts any persuasion to drink
@ least on this eve / can't stand the pain /













remember :
there are no old junkies
& no old women alcoholics



i've seen people die from alcohol













& i wonder if i locked my car doors
will some one steal my 20 pounds of paper
in the box on the back seat

perhaps with any luck
they'll take all the garbage
& leave the paper

















& i dream i should go to sleep /



































/

always searching

/



he's 4 years old
he wants to change his name to

"i like my friends"


it's true / such a miserable day for mothering

the 7 year old sent home for punching because a girl
budded in front of him in the line and then pushed him to the ground

yeah it sucks / it's the second time this week
thank fuck the week is over













& so i tumble back in to a friday nite
& i remember













i left my cigarettes in the rain today

some stayed dry / some soaked brown













iris blooms / deep purple / pale yellow
some a combination of both colours





& my mind stays confused on a day
like today when lay my head down
sun cusped on the east mountain
& i could hear the morning birds

calling me / time to sleep
& there is some thing


about being awake all night













& after you make love he gets up
leaves silent / no good bye
no thank you / he goes to watch tv











& i sleep until 11 in the empty bed













some where between the sun falling
& me rising / i fell apart / for got where i stood

bare


& yea / i walk through the valley of darkness

i fear / my own evil


what are these stories i tell my self / my myth


some where i for got to be happy


is it really so bad


ash tray over flows








& i am walking through a cloud again

a fog / as it were /



yesterday / sun sparkled diamonds on the wet
leaves of the poplar / wind struck / fairies







he runs his hand down my thigh / never says a word

& some where between talking too much / & gasping for breath
i for got how to talk / words lodged in my throat / sticky
i wanted to say i love you / i wanted to say / make love


hand runs across hip bone / mouth to breast


& i think of round river rocks / eternally tumbled

& how they end up in my garden























phone rings a million times / / & we are tired again





gideon taps me on the shoulder / laughs


you really did it this time




what were you searching for again




i turn & he is gone / really only an image in my head
the black voice of reason & in sanity / oh yes / we've walked
many times before
















up stairs / children sleep / & i wonder what it must be like to sleep
the sleep of the growing








& june lands


fast furious lush




the garden

a tangle of / a mass of / oh green / it's green


& for that i am grateful / i've come round the sun again

but i don't know how i got here













broken / bitten bottom lip
stained purple bruise


the tongue licks the bottom lip
over & over & over again



some thing about a little bit of pain







& yes / these words i use are simple / it doesn't take much
to realize / sitting on the verge / caught between the shore line
& never ending waves / / i wish to be swept out to sea /








& so / i search














///

oh me / oh my / crazy funking numbers

Your Birthdate: September 21

Being born on the 21st day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You are affectionate and loving, but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?