blotto - the journals of steve jones -- mind less

& so this mind waves

drunk

so hard to think to remember what it is
what it was i wanted to say


was fine up until the grass . . .

then - what can one say?


not much i suppose


the year comes to an end
complete with devastation of human kind

is this some kind of message
no - i suppose not - but the message goes in & out

my house is a glow with strings of christmas lights
gay - the lights / happy / decided lee / /
warm winter darkness

i 've decided / i use too many words


it's time to get to the core of the matter


the core of this earth's matter

one million atom bombs / rocked the earth

earth quake

plates slip sliding up against under / over
a massive amount of matter moving / / did the day
really get darker? // yes / i think it did



coincidence becomes more than a thing to question

what is this reality? who do you call toward you?



hmmm / & i wonder @ the questioning /
who do i / call toward me? / who's name do i speak



good god / could question ing like that be the reason for
organized religion / the call of jesus /??

oh who knows i don't even know what i'm thinking right now
the head spins awhirl with hash joint on top of 5 tequila
didn't feel drunk until the drugs / / holy



holy



in credible the thickness of the head / the buzz / wishing to pass out
ears whistle / hands a twitch / yet some how the hands the fingers still
manage to remember the key strokes / / ah i know there's a

warm flow of blood to the brain / the whitening / can't see any more's





the trick is

don't stand up

st.ill crave a cigarette / the impulse may be too much to



resist.




& some how my reality doesn't even shrug in horror
@ all those bodies / unimaginable / even the pictures
fail to shock me / / i don't know the dead / mass death
of horrific proportions / / doesn't




i died several times in pass lives giving birth
that's why i can't have children /
that's why i love women / i care take men / /

+ i was raised catholic / / poor girl i think
no wonder you're a dyke


\ i would love you too i think
squeezing her thin body in a hug /


2 21 am







steve jones is signing off / she can't get a crowd any more
her beauty fails in the face of humour / / lol

he says

the earth shifted



i run in to jason rose out side the bar
he is well dressed / always in black
avant punk poet

beautiful blond & crazy / the only poet
i've ever met who was dragged out of a
poetry reading by the city police . . .
because he wouldn't stop reading

step away from the mic

i say / did you have a good holiday
i did / i'm still standing after all this
weakened tho / i feel weak / & he smiles
thin / crooked / odd smile
& i nod
& he nods


& the snow falls big wet flakes
& darlene comes out of the bar
& we begin to walk / jason walks with us
down baker st / snow snow black sky
/ / there are no
cars on this night / /

i say

did you hear the earth rocked on it's axis from this
earth quake / & he says yes / appearantly it
changed the amount of day light / /

i stop.
more or less
i demand
are the days longer or shorter / / shorter he says
the day is shorter

/ more darkness
oh i knew it / i knew these days were too bloody dark
darlene & i turn to walk up stanley st.
jason walks straight across baker st.
/ travel safe / be well / each walk their own way

& the snow falls / silent / patient / fills nooks & cranies

after 6 blocks we call a cab / up the mountain / we need
a ride up the hill / / covered my fur hat is covered
in a mound of snow / have you
been walking asks the cabbie / yeah / walking




some how it feels as if / the fucking earth / the earth
damn it

it's moved / some thing is not right / only fractions they
say / the earth may have speed ed up by 2 nanoseconds
but's it's hard to say / it's a lot of mass going in on it's self
like a figure skater pulling in her arms to spin faster


mein gott / / & she meets a man on ketamine tonight
i should n't be in here / in this bar he says/ i'm high on
K / / i'm hallucinating / / i'm going home to do a nother line

not this bird

she ain't doing no more lines /

they say

yes, so you see i'm back to that
controlling bitch i used to be

". . . said the shaking was so powerful it even disturbed the Earth's rotation."



no that's a lie / a darn down / right lie
a blue fib / a short tail /



you see, this body is broken / st.ill
it waits in tanges of short breathed spazms

it waits to see to feel to be
see what happens / / can all this

waves arms around in the air

can all this be fixed / / ?

her hair suddenly stands up
halo of / a band 18 inches around her head

red light / electrocution of eloquation
some where the words slip out making
perfect sense / not here / not now

colon. yes i have one - it hurts today
i wish for a new/ah / well then/
just sit on the edge of your seat
soon one will be on it's way



we found several thousands in the water / wet
against the sand / they were
teaming / hair float ing wet / think about all that
wet hair / /

wish i could describe the light as it
bounces pink & grey off the cloud
settled in the valley below / straight
in front of me / winter cloud / cloud
that has / oh if only i could remember

some things come to an end
some things don't

brain falters once again
words spurt out / of little consequence
or under stand ing / chest heavy with
oh it's too ominous to say / / some things
just hurt / some times it's hard to breathe



& hope the sikness has not come to her house
stomach ache flu / every one seems to have it
belly hard / turns over & over / not sure what to do
with this angry belly / curl up in to a ball & wait for
it to move thru / ah stomach sikness / plight of
the masses / the poor / the tidal waved

Ø


so often the things that can not be seen
hurt the most / / kill

they say:


the earth rocked on her axis from this earthquake
& her after shocks have left us 'vibrating'
a jolt right thru me / you / did you feel the earth shake

did you know it was happening?

no i suppose not / not until a few hours later
when the wave (s) hit the shore wash ing you
& every thing else along with it's magnificant power
the power of a million atomic bombs
that's one hell of a wave

hang on hang on that's all you could think
before you went under the shell of blue

~*~oh that indian ocean such lovely blue water~*~




the fish the fish / can you imagine all the fish
rushing past your head / touching your face
skimming along your back / i'm swimming with a school
of fish / such beautiful blue eyed / yellow with stripes
certain lee those fish / flip flip flip / bodies shiny glint
of
not sure what to do / / fins a rapid motion

of

swim with the wave



in in in rush of ocean / rooms filled with water
up up up to the ceil ing /
if you can only hold your breath it will be ok / / /




so they don't / just give in to the shock of drowning
as the wave / oh that wave / it just pulls you / back to
the sea /// out in to the water / gone to see







i said:

just swim with the wave







& the tension drops about 50 degrees of nothing
some how the chest doesn't hurt so much now
belly st.ill

well you know / these winter flues / how they take
a body down / hard sweat / last weeks chills /
muscles that ache / vomit / the shits

& pale / oh fcuk you are fad ing / so pale
white actually / & is that death you are wear ing so
well on this late december nite / / remember:




a hunger perhaps / / of / a thirst
may be / yes i think it was thirst / one that
could not be filled / with mere words or gestures


a thirst for / a lake of water / ice blue
always fall in to the water / / head under
winter has come again / face face to the sun


oh that mother earth / she's one mean bitch
you want death she says / i'll give you death
an enormous disturbance

for mass consumption // the bodies pile up
so easy to call them that / i could be be a body too
laying arms & legs askew que / bent / bloated /
heat creates a quick rot / stench of dis ease
did you realize your body was a vehicle
of pestilence

ah in death
i am nothing / /

tell me

when did you know it was
time to come out
of the water /
time for your soul
to leave

tell me

when did your spirit rise †

blah blah blah

and so the daze after
the holidaze sets in


oh my floating mine d

dreams have no place in the reality
i can not think of any thing to say

except it's getting cold out again
temperature falls to freezing




dull light fails to impress / undress
& the shake sets in

she smokes another number / and forgets to
count in the days until

new years - - can't bear to feel this way
for an other moment / the 2 day coma / if you
stick a comma in co,mas it be co,mes



of course that makes no sense just a bit of word play really








& you tell me when i should put in italisis



she can not re member one con versation // one state ment
one wise thing / life stands st.ill right here / can not go
for ward with out moving

not the words of a poet
not the words of nature
not the words of reason



makes non sense


wish to sleep for an other 24 hours





kootenay culture


i am 4th generation nelsonite. our family history goes back to the turn of the last century when my great grand father and his brother who were metallurgists who originally came from england. they married two sisters


it's an odd feeling when the earth moves into the winter spring quarter
6 days into the new solstace

the earth begs for a thaw already


on the other side of the fence / the sun shines bright
pretending to be heaven / / ah the light come to the light



but there are no words for the light

no meaning

& the words lose all mean ing

fine fine
carry on
every thing is
fine fine



eyes pinned from the morphine
kills the


yes we know what it is - name thee: PAIN
yes we know what it is - mane thee: Can sir


god damn it

& the body breaks again - -

stupid / sad / post / for a very ill friend

i am touching the floor of insanity

you are turning white again

blending in with snow banks


& i am in grief / a preconceived notion

last spot devotion

ah & these words look odd again to me



she says / no it wasn't a stroke

it's brain cancer / / he's getting confused

body an explosion of muscles gone astray




he couldn't remember what he was talking about


@ all.







& this bird thinks / / i'm the symptoms

brain refuses to remember any more









you are so brave my friend
just deny death / / you been there before
all most crossed over / / some thing held you back
i'd like to think it's because we needed to be friends

i missed all the rest of your life / /

eyes a burn / a twitch of / oh for get about your pain
turn your self inside out a again / just be

perhaps it's only tired ness

i'd say / you think you're missing a party some where






oh what a way to end the year / ill ness / death
terminal terminalism

& yet i'd have to say
i've never felt closer to death than i do right now
some thing about getting older / body brake down
failure to for get / how organic we really are

cancer reminds me of mildew in the garden
leaf rot / / it spreads / yellows / covers the leaves
in brown / black spots / spreads like chicken pocks in a grade
one class / / that what the cancer cells do / they go travelling



hard living is just that
hard living is just that
hard living is just that

you live hard / the body prays / pays
eventually hard living will kill you
eventually hard living liquor swilling
drugs / ah the debachery / hard to give up
eventually hard living will kil you




& peanut butter honey sandwiches are good
i know i just ate one & it was very sticky
finger licking sticky

and now black beans & beef with cheese & sour cream
& salsa with a few capers for the slight lee diesle taste





naturalpath say: eat protein before bed
that will stop you from waking up




stop me from being to fuking crazy

lost lucid lee / the mouth never stops moving


nothing of interest comes out of there

just a repeat repeat / /





of - hard to control the pressure of all these keys

that makes no sense at all / one more cigarette to think
& come through
here graciously




mean while the turkey thaws in the fridge
ulitily bird / so sure there will be a wing missing




there is nothing to be transcended from this view point



i will never get there /

bleed nightly

& so 2 am arrives again

this is the official roll ing
to the other side of the clock

if i know you / you will be up now
searching for light in the early morning
it will be hours before any light bursts through
the cloud cover

i wonder what the ocean looks like
on this december morning / i'm sure the wind

blows in a mighty tide / oh those waves
crashing

because that's what waves do on the mighty atlantic
black black water / cold / ice filled
ocean of death


think of me when you brush your teeth
think of me when you finger my locket of hair




you are an eternity of shadows & ghosts
cutting in to the corners of my eyes

you are the salt on my lip
pearls in my hair





but i did not ask to be possessed by your god of
too many esses - - i did not ask to be mary



head begins to cross again †

i did not ask to be saved


i did not ask for resurrection



on my chin a red nebulous growth
another zit

middle age acne / / call it stress
call it chronic pms / / i hate my face
as my age bursts for ward
revealing in lines & pocks / how harsh this journey
how little i've care for

this temple / oh my body / dwelling of my soul

8 inch rule on all mirrors / any closer & i could be there
for hours / trying to resurrect a few black heads / some dry skin



clock tics 221 am - that is late / it is early

this time next week our xmas party will be rocking





i hope i make it through the celebrations
with out a headache or stomach problems
or the sharp stabbing chest pains i carry
around with me so often

i realize i live in this internal world
always looking out / but now being in

it's all in my head




obsessive compulsive
i grow jealous of jack & jenni
i bemoan to her on the phone
the other night 0 i wish i had a poet
who loved me / who wrote poems for me
told the world i was the lite of his life



no / / the man i love / / the man who gives me all this
i can't even let him read my poetry

i'm most afraid of what he will say / / can't take the critism
_+ i think there is so much raw me in my words / he would leave
how can i tell him of other love






how can i tell him to be kinder
savour these moments / / i walk around with a lone
sad tired face / brow furreled - as if i'm trying to think
it's a joke really / i reall y think i bring him down cause
i'm so sad and broken and tired and low functioning



so we smoke a lot of dope all day every day
so we only sleep to gether a few hours a night

upstairs those baby's roll & breath and bang bang the walls
this knees and heads 0 it must be heads / /


the crash of a bottle dropping to the floor


all this is old news/ all this is just every day
every night all this is what talks me aways from all this
which i can not get done / i can bearly read the words any more
my hands slow lee for get the keystokes




fabulouse is how i wish to be
but my hair is too long and scruffy
lotso knotso - - it's long and beautfil
red - but it must go sometime it must
part from me



enough about hair
enough about me


you - its' you i want to talk about

if you would only hold my hands & let me whisper
i'm dying / may be you would soften

may be you could remembe that some where some time
there was lust , excitement . you stripping off my clothes
now i can bearly touch you / i am afraid of the pain
of your entry in to my body - now you see

this night has gone too long
& i've said nothing even redeminglee poetic


these days i feel more like a women who's body is failing
the pain becomes to much / / but i can't quite cry about it yet
i carry a worry / / the what ifs / / & i love to see my children grow up


i love to run away to the arms of the my lover / who only drink & curse me
and made me cry / & yet that is not enough / /





there is a death to be explored main lee mind
it ends on a strangulation


i know the beginning & sume of the middle
fear/excitment





but i know he would never do that ; kill me
for i have children small chilren / / & if he killed me
then he would have to kill other s

& then i would have pychomaniac on my blood

i pray he kills no one

i pray he prays to the right god - the one
who tells him it is a sin to kill for pleasure
it is the only crime he dreams of




what is this obsession i bleed nightly

when my brain disolves

a day time right

because

the house
is st.ill
a mess

because i've turned into virgina & ms plath
& every other depressed / pained / poet shuttered up
in side my for get full brain /
contusion of confusion


this is me
& this is

the pain
is in my body

but how could i for get that ?

this hand ages / swollen red
pulses like my / brain on a head ache day


i can total lee un der stand
why some one - any one / would want to kill the pain


not me tho
i'm afraid of dying / st.ill



the body shall take it's own life
eventually


& my mouth always hungers for
starch / need to / want to / have to have
sugar


thick ness creep across the frontal lobe

what is this lobe / these thots / the ring ing

the RING ING in my ears

constant buzz of

it's never quiet / / broken ears to add to
broken body / a stomach that never / quite /
sits right

a torture of tired / / wish to spring up

get with it / act lively / / best foot for ward

never happens / / the day lee ritual of live ing

in cludes 3 pills @ bed time / / one oval / / two round

blue / pale bright blue / prescription blue

this head doesn't stop throbbbbbbb ing





what explains a life


& will i ever be free





ah yes un great full / be grate ful / try it
like it /



this "holiday" season / is depressing @ best
i feel angry that i'm expected to buy buy
many expensive things - - this expectation comes from the children
but it's the stores / the god damn fuking stores / corporate bull shit


i'm a fucking consumer & i don't like it one little bit

so there










my sin my rou / /

twist time / lost

yes anger has a certain

can't remember / must have been

when i was brilliant

now brain / slips slow lee away

thots are blank ---




a certain aesthetic / your anger has

left me / flat / /

can't even bear to look straight on

& in to your eyes / / i'm certain i must

be lying right about now / in this instant

you lay across clean sheets / fresh pillow cases


& wait


but i never come / i never show up /

i've lost time / again

when it snows

late nite
snow melts
it's been snowing for 6 days
the ground is gone


we watch the grader come up the street
widen the road / banks are 4 feet high
snow weighs a tonne





this is winter

concerto in d major

i wonder where you are tonight


sleep ing in some junkie drag down flat
lost in toronto
are you st.ill alive

it's been over 2 years since i heard from you
can't find your family any more / every one
disappeared / gone / like you

i tuck our child in to bed / he is six now
he knows
some thing is different about him

different from the other children who fell
from my body


who's your daddy child / /








i take pills now / again
to knock me out / try to sleep

that nite lee
wake wake wake

pain. the key word


body shuts down mind
refuses to think

& all this snow
makes the funniest shadows / odd like

not static / moves constant changes
cycle back to water


so if all this condensation / this moisture
winter white / does water / cloud be come
sparse some where else / drought - -
i mean / if we have all this snow
all this snow / is some one dying of thirst
some where else in the world / / /
more late night stupid questions

kinda like "where does the sun go when it sets"

um, it puts on it's pajamas & goes to bed






i guess.





you see / i'm losing time again
it's the can't remembers / very spacy
is prolly how my kids would describe me


i for get every thing they tell me
i wish i could be a better mother / more there
in a mental / help ful way / / may be some how
it's preparation for when i'm not here @ all



see it's impossible to for get the things that change
a person / love is one of those things / anger too



i'm scared of guns / the possiblity / the finality
of 2 shots to the head / bang bang through the heart
yer dead.

yet scott says:
i think of it as a hammer / a tool? i reply / he tells me
how many guns a cop has / i'm shocked / slightly turned
on by the danger of it / & frightened for him / not sure
why / perhaps i'm looking for clues too
we change the subject to poetry &
our children




each day
eats me
a bit more
takes big black bites
out of my proverbial soul
ah but what is soul
certainly not me
i'm the big black bites
slow lee eat ing my self
i have be come
the day / lost nites / the bear er of cliche'

for this i am sad / / so i read about poets
dead ones / because i don't relate to the living ones
how sad ness & trauma ruled / out rage ous
behavior / often destitute / & i wonder why
i didn't write more than graffitti when i was young
imagine being emersed in punk & drunks & drugs
& not getting it down / i can hard lee remember any more
the names have all slipped from my mind





where is dark man
why has he for saken me