sunday / march

i.

my 8 year old steps on a bird
doesn't even realize it / un til
it's under foot / soft body gives way

& it twitches / crushed by the weight
of a child

mom / i stepped on a bird
he calls a cross the yard /
& i
feel my stomach turn
ever so slight lee /
i walk to the back yard
be hind the compost
& two small boys stand
look ing down @ one small bird
it flutters just a bit

my eyes gaze past the shovel
but
i don't have the heart

i walk toward the house
& call my 13 year old /
gus can you take the shovel
& kill a bird / noah stepped on
a bird / & he shakes his head
looks sad / oh mom i can't do
that /

& i realize
i must /
& i go out side a gain /
oh i hate this i think /
to kill a tiny bird &
my boy walks to ward me /
the bird in his hand
/ it's dead mom / it died

& i feel relief pass thru / this body
a soften ing

i get the shovel
&
dig a water filled hole be hind the
compost / a small slough this time of year
run off from the golf course /
run off from the mountain /
i lift the sod / make a place for the bird /
&
my boy drops it in /
there is no ceremony / only
warm feathers in to the ground
dirt falling from the end my shovel





ii.

& march reveals her self / covered in
winters residue / every thing looks so dirty
especial lee the snow / dust rises in clouds
from the roads / colour be comes eye catch ing
broken plastic toys strewn near the sand box /

& garbage appears in all forms /
lost stuff / faded from winter

& we are raking & we are shovelling &
we are wash ing / the dirt a way /
it be comes / a move ment /
a soul purpose to get out side /
ah / temperature rises / & we are taking
off our coats / & feel ing the sun on our
faces / we are find ing things to do





iii.

& i / & i & my camera & i /
we go places / like next door
to jenn's house

& i am taking pictures of an orange
sitting easy on the ground

/ left to rot / it doesn't care /
near by / a red pecan & 3 hazelnuts /
un scathed
by winter / random abandon /
who drops these things

my kids toss the nuts in jenn’s stream / watch the
pecan race the hazelnuts thru eddies & small currents
down the swirl of a winter run off /

in the end / the small creek swallows all /
taken down thru the drain
/ un der the road / gone / gone /
eventual lee the lake


would a pecan make it all the way down to the
columbia river from here / travel to oregon / to the sea
i wonder / / & jenn's dog jumps up / runs off a gain
& she is yell ing for the dog / who comes / this time /

i tell her /
you remind me of my mother call ing me
& she yells JENN IFER / & we laugh /
at our name we share & yes /
this is how our mothers called us





iv.

jenn is pregnant with her 3rd baby /
her dogs are driving her crzy & i tell her /
you must have been real bad when you were young /
pay ing for your crimes now /
&
this is the running joke for mothers /
& real lee
i tell her / it's makes me fuck ing crzy /
all these kids of mine & how i must real lee be paying
for my crimes
& these 6 children
oh / how i'd like to hide
& how i worry /
& how these boys
fight & cry & tease /

i tell my self / they need to do this

fight ing is normal / work ing out of problems be fore
the real world sets in / & let them where's it safe /
&
i find my self yell ing / what the fuck / i say / what the fuck /

& most lee they keep fight ing / & some times i just say
i can't stand you kids right now / i need to leave / i just
need to get a way /

& yet / every one of them kiss es me tender /
gives me sweet hugs /
pet names for mama /
mommy /
moo- mee/
mya mya /

they know this mother is crzy

they know
to love me / /




v.

& jenn's dogs shit all over the place / i tell her
i couldn't stand it / shovelling that much shit
a winters worth / 2 dogs / a few friends dogs
we do the math / it makes me gag / & she fills
a black garbage bag / & we watch / every where
we go / not to step in shit /






vi.

& how i remember this smell of damp spring
how i wanted to give my self to you / this time
of re birth / i wanted you to fill me / i wanted you
to remember / how the earth rose us from under our
feet / how the temperature climbed from freezing to damp
& even after the sun had gone down / how the air made
you think of summer / how the light of dusk made me


/