some thing to hold

8
8
8
8
8
8




i am preoccupied with thoughts of
nothing & every thing


death



so predominant

@ the top of the list





death


seems to find me in the strangest ways
likes to stare straight on in to my eyes
nose to nose


stop that / you're scaring me



& he grows whiter @ every turn of my head
each rise of smoke from my cigarette
each coarse word from the dry of my throat


let me tell you what


what


death likes me / favours me / teases
the sanctity of this never ending search for



well what ever it is that lies ahead
the elusive




it's in the hands of god now

& john paul is propped up one more time
shrinking curvature of body / ah this is age
in it's cruelest moment
stealing the body's right to function





yes

it's in the hands of god now

is this what he had in mind

is that why god is always portrayed
as a wizened old man / eternal
grey haired / holding a staff


ah things to look for ward in the after life



or do we just go on / recyled bits of most minute
materials / water of the smallest sort / bits of bone
& ash / oh mineral / / /


& i hug him good nite & walk out the door
& i always wonder if this is going to be the last time
i see him




frail


the cancer has made him frail / the hole cut in the top of his
head has made him frail / / / & oh that cancer / it loves to travel
yes it does








so we smoke cigarettes / i take him weed
split the pack of smokes before i leave
does it really matter any more
an old mans pleasure


he says / i can't get it up any more
all the medication / i just have to find a lady
who is into the oral pleasure


he sleeps in the living room now / traded his bed for
a futon / / hows that to sleep on i ask suspiciously
when he says good / i don't believe him

then again / he is an old hippie . . .




sad when friends die







it seems like there has been a lot of death lately
a trend or something / / seems like every one is falling
some days it seems like every one is getting older /

what happened to that youth / i'm sure it was around here somewhere
i'm certain


i placed it right over here






so then what

mother said / age gracefully / don't deny
natural progression / /




& my mouth bitters again /








i cannot accept this / / resist i cry / push my feet into the
soil / drag me if you have to / i won't go willing lee / i'm too
young to be this old / i don't go for this thining skin & weight
gain stuff / never mind the grey hair & the lost thoughts & the
age that creeps up around my mouth & lower cheeks / / if i was a man
i would vainly grow a beard / /







to day i hold baby iris
ten days old / she sounds like a kitten
mewling & smacking her very small lips
against each other / i wrapped her tight
in a blanket & rocked her
she crashed back in to the other side
i could tell by her dreams / her face
a moving expression of smiles frowns
fluttering eyelids / what dreams of babies

st.ill on the other side of nothing
her only memory / her mother's heart beat
the sway of her mothers hips

a memory some where of being something
some place else / some one else
does she remember dying before being born

i'm envious of her mother / a tiny baby
to sleep with / to nurse / to hold to hold to hold


& my babies are not babies any more