crazy fucked up ride

& sudden lee the words are hard to write


this january fog rolls thick down the street
presses / flat / up against / the world
including me


do you remember when you kissed
pressed me down flat against my back
& breathed against my face


no / i didn't think so / / funny how time
makes people for get / the details / always
search / search / what is it / i look for


wait for more time to pass / it does
pass / certain lee / faster than i would have
ever imagined as a child / time less / yes
life seems large / long / for a child / /

hold on / hold on to distant memory
it's all you have / it's all i've got



the list of all the ones i've loved
never grows smaller / / some are lost




i pain for the loss of my children
how quick lee they grow / /

my child noah / grunts / & moans
in stead of talk ing / he says
i for get / i can't remember what happened
he's in trouble all the time
with his dad
with the school
with his siblings
i truly wanted to throttle him a few times
last summer in a rage i threaten to kill him
told him i didn't love him / / he's 6 / / /
ver y tiny / / / very angry / / / i wish i could
take my anger of that day / & wish that day away
my daughter was in the car when i was raging
& she would n't talk to me for a week / she was very up set
about the whole incident / / i was out of my mind with anger
i don't know what get's in to me / every once in a while i lose
it very badly / / & yell and scream and say things intended to hurt
some times i'm so overwhelmed when i'm here a lone / i feel so crazy

the older kids are very help ful / they know to help
but it's the younger ones with the crying / & when they all fight
& argue / it makes me crazy / / / i guess i am crazy


mostly i'm mellow / prolly too mellow / /
& i don't pay enough attention to stuff like
how the kids are doing in school / / getting their home work done
yes i'm the bad mother i don't really believe in school / i mean i know
children learn how to read and write and hopefully a few other things but
there is little in school that really prepares one for the reality of life
school is just indoctrination in the 9-5 reality of so many people
preparation for being a little worker soldier in some corporate box
somewhere / / imo







i wish i could be that dream mother
the one who gets up in the morning rested
smiling / / walks her children to school

i have too many children / i turn them off
i go inside my head

i run away inside these words / words to hide inside of


one day they will be grown up / i hope they are all fine
i hope they don't get fucked up on drugs like i did

i hope they respect women / & are kind to people

& i hope no one hurts them / / / that nothing bad ever happened to them
violence , ect. .


i hope i make it through this crazy fucked up ride with them