awkward ten sion

hands still hold pain
awkward tension
cold nights / she stands out side

blue smoke rises up in to the cloud
the fog / constant companion

i could watch the clouds for ever

some days they are like ribbons tied tight
against the blue of mountain / other days

they ride up the center of the lake / eye level

mostly the damn white encompasses damp shoulders
& the trees disappear / /

snow line has travelled half way down elephant mountain
waits for lower colder / clouds with bellies full of flurries


i am afraid of this dark winter / my body now an unforgiving temple
of hot pulses . take this pain . oh winter .


wait for snow / light comes in the form of snow / crystals & diamonds
soon houses will be covered in xmas kitsch / beautiful lights / more light
more colour / give this light to me oh mother
& let me pass once more through the door of winter solstice / let me
remember summer heat

die from the cold / eventually every things browns&molds rot.
it takes all winter for those leaves to break down - i wish for a rose

picked from the garden / the garden is blackend / flattened from the snow last week

in the dream i'm working in the garden the edges trimmed fresh soil turn the earth
begins to warm & i look for eternity in a pack seeds ; perpetuation of a species / plant
things that will grow for a long time / perennials / self seeders

she dreams of early spring when the snow melt and the warm mildew of earth rises
when one morning rain becomes noise as it breaks through the mantle of winter





at but to make it to solstice in stead - to make it through the holidays & creep somehow into
the new year - count back in the hours of sunlight

you see this heart is broken / it's not sure why someone drilled / i coulda sworn he had a rachet drill and it when around and around / popped a perfect hole in my chest / drilled right through me. . i'm empty i n that spot. . empty hurt . body betrays in every way.

how much pain can a body take before the mind goes crazy
could someone answer this question for me




why this betray of this body / my body





we find out one of my sons in blind in one eye
birth defect / tends to run in families / he says mom
you know i can't see so well out of this eye so we go
the eye doctor & i expect he will get glasses.

this doesn't happed. he says the child won't wear the glasses he gives him
cause one lense will be an inch thick - contact is not an option either because he
is prone to viral infections in that one eye.

i cried. for a whole day - gussy cried for me patted me on the back and said it's okay mom.

for him it's normal / it's always been that way

suddenly odd things about the child began to make sense / / they
do



gus of the drawings / painter / musician / actor commedian
always in the center of the circle / all love gus
quiet / deep / chronic asthma / chronic excema & yet he never
complains / never says a word / gus you bring me wonderment
patience and humility / for that i thank you
love ffrom your mother