can you see this picture / i'm starting to hate blogger / it used to be easy but now . . .

sunday / march

i.

my 8 year old steps on a bird
doesn't even realize it / un til
it's under foot / soft body gives way

& it twitches / crushed by the weight
of a child

mom / i stepped on a bird
he calls a cross the yard /
& i
feel my stomach turn
ever so slight lee /
i walk to the back yard
be hind the compost
& two small boys stand
look ing down @ one small bird
it flutters just a bit

my eyes gaze past the shovel
but
i don't have the heart

i walk toward the house
& call my 13 year old /
gus can you take the shovel
& kill a bird / noah stepped on
a bird / & he shakes his head
looks sad / oh mom i can't do
that /

& i realize
i must /
& i go out side a gain /
oh i hate this i think /
to kill a tiny bird &
my boy walks to ward me /
the bird in his hand
/ it's dead mom / it died

& i feel relief pass thru / this body
a soften ing

i get the shovel
&
dig a water filled hole be hind the
compost / a small slough this time of year
run off from the golf course /
run off from the mountain /
i lift the sod / make a place for the bird /
&
my boy drops it in /
there is no ceremony / only
warm feathers in to the ground
dirt falling from the end my shovel





ii.

& march reveals her self / covered in
winters residue / every thing looks so dirty
especial lee the snow / dust rises in clouds
from the roads / colour be comes eye catch ing
broken plastic toys strewn near the sand box /

& garbage appears in all forms /
lost stuff / faded from winter

& we are raking & we are shovelling &
we are wash ing / the dirt a way /
it be comes / a move ment /
a soul purpose to get out side /
ah / temperature rises / & we are taking
off our coats / & feel ing the sun on our
faces / we are find ing things to do





iii.

& i / & i & my camera & i /
we go places / like next door
to jenn's house

& i am taking pictures of an orange
sitting easy on the ground

/ left to rot / it doesn't care /
near by / a red pecan & 3 hazelnuts /
un scathed
by winter / random abandon /
who drops these things

my kids toss the nuts in jenn’s stream / watch the
pecan race the hazelnuts thru eddies & small currents
down the swirl of a winter run off /

in the end / the small creek swallows all /
taken down thru the drain
/ un der the road / gone / gone /
eventual lee the lake


would a pecan make it all the way down to the
columbia river from here / travel to oregon / to the sea
i wonder / / & jenn's dog jumps up / runs off a gain
& she is yell ing for the dog / who comes / this time /

i tell her /
you remind me of my mother call ing me
& she yells JENN IFER / & we laugh /
at our name we share & yes /
this is how our mothers called us





iv.

jenn is pregnant with her 3rd baby /
her dogs are driving her crzy & i tell her /
you must have been real bad when you were young /
pay ing for your crimes now /
&
this is the running joke for mothers /
& real lee
i tell her / it's makes me fuck ing crzy /
all these kids of mine & how i must real lee be paying
for my crimes
& these 6 children
oh / how i'd like to hide
& how i worry /
& how these boys
fight & cry & tease /

i tell my self / they need to do this

fight ing is normal / work ing out of problems be fore
the real world sets in / & let them where's it safe /
&
i find my self yell ing / what the fuck / i say / what the fuck /

& most lee they keep fight ing / & some times i just say
i can't stand you kids right now / i need to leave / i just
need to get a way /

& yet / every one of them kiss es me tender /
gives me sweet hugs /
pet names for mama /
mommy /
moo- mee/
mya mya /

they know this mother is crzy

they know
to love me / /




v.

& jenn's dogs shit all over the place / i tell her
i couldn't stand it / shovelling that much shit
a winters worth / 2 dogs / a few friends dogs
we do the math / it makes me gag / & she fills
a black garbage bag / & we watch / every where
we go / not to step in shit /






vi.

& how i remember this smell of damp spring
how i wanted to give my self to you / this time
of re birth / i wanted you to fill me / i wanted you
to remember / how the earth rose us from under our
feet / how the temperature climbed from freezing to damp
& even after the sun had gone down / how the air made
you think of summer / how the light of dusk made me


/

i / lichen / you / some where in the garden

ah / spring flowers / in my garden

crocus



more crocus

inside a tulip leaf

oh so pretty

message from trandis / nina courtepatte's sister

this afternoon i wrote a post (see below) about the outcome of the second trial in the death of nina courtepatte. the outcome of the trial left me shocked and horrified. i was surprised to see that her sister trandis replied to my post. i want to post her reply because people need to know how much a death like this affects a family.

My name is Trandis Arsenault. Oldest sister to Nina. The pain you write, is the pain I feel everyday. I feel no cause to move or live because such a sweet innocent life has been brutually taken from us. This star has been destroyed. She had a future that was one to be proud of and sure of. These people that took that sweet life, now have a life and can still breathe and smile. They can love and live. They can talk and walk. They can do the mundane tasks we the living take for granted. Nina will not have a sweet SIXTEEN this October 4, 2007. She will not go on a first date and have her first kiss from someone she loves. She will not go to the prom. She will not graduate from High School. She will not go to sleep and wake up to look forward to another day. She will not eat another supper. She will not play with her sisters or her brothers. She will not get a first job. She will not save money to buy a car. She will not, She will not. She will not. Michael Briscoe has had all of this and he will have more. Joseph Labucan will have a life even if it is jail. The other YOUTH offenders will still louve, love and grow. MY SISTER WILL NOT. MY SISTER WILL JUST SLEEP NEVER TO WAKE. MY SISTER WILL NEVER SAY HEY SISSY TO ME. MY SISTER WILL NEVER HUG ME.

Justice has not been done. The information is still there. Michael Briscoe was still there, he still was part of the plan. He still hung out with them after. If he was so innocent, he should have taken the first chance he had to tell somone. He can not say he was scared. He us a 36 year old man. He has to be held accountable for this. He was still there he still took action. He is not as innocent as they believe, he is very much as guilty as the rest. He took a life and now he has a life. NINA'S. The shining star. The model to be. The woman to be. The child forever.

Trandis

3:44 PM, March 27, 2007

justice for nina / i think not

nina courtepatte verdict




the head lines are killing me

justice for nina

what a joke

there is no justice for nina because she lost her life

there is no justice for nina's family /

how do you replace a dead daughter - you don't

you cry a river of tears &
hope you wake up from the dreadful night mare - you don't


nina died in a cruel & violent way / in a way no child should die

nina courtepatte was 13 years old & in grade 7
when she was brutally raped & murdered by a group
of teenagers and ONE ADULT


the "animals" who commited this crime
a 15 year old girl (protected by the young offenders act) - not yet tried
a 17 year old girl (protected by the young offenders act) -currently in trial
a 17 year old boy (protected by the young offenders act) - found guilty of murder & rape
a 19 year old boy/man (joseph loubocan) - found guilty of murder & rape

AND
a 34 year old man: michael brisco (found not guilty by Justice Brian Burrows)

i think the judge Justice Brian Burrows is a fool & you can quote me on that

Quoted from the Edmonton Journal:
article by DAVID STAPLES and SHAWN OHLER, edmontonjournal.com

Published: Friday, March 23, 2007

. . . A number of facts tied Briscoe to the Nina’s death, Burrows found. Briscoe drove Laboucan, Nina and four other “mall rats” — teens who hung around the West Edmonton Mall — to the golf course; he knew Laboucan wanted to scare Nina; he handed Laboucan a pair of pliers from the trunk of his car; he angrily told Nina to be quiet when she was screaming after she had first been hit with a wrench; and he was present while Laboucan and a 17-year-old teen nicknamed Pyro raped and bludgeoned the girl to death.

But the Crown failed to prove that Briscoe knew Laboucan had a plan to rape and murder Nina and that he wanted this to happen, the judge said.

“One might speculate that if Mr. Briscoe knew Mr. Laboucan had taken tools from the trunk, that he also knew Mr. Laboucan’s purpose as to do something harmful with them. But speculation is not proof beyond a reasonable doubt,” Burrows said.

While Laboucan and Pyro both said Briscoe hit Nina with the sledgehammer, Burrows rejected that testimony, saying he found both Laboucan and Pyro lacked all credibility.

During the trial, Briscoe’s lawyer Charles Davison portrayed his client as a dupe, who unwittingly drove the teens to the golf course, but had little idea about what they were up to, and was mainly afraid that he himself was the intended target of their ill intent.

i think that brisco is just as much to blame for nina's death


who was the adult /
who drove the car /
who drove the car around all day while the "others"
talked of "finding someone to kill"
who pulled the weapons out of the trunk /
who told nina to be quiet/shut up after she was hit in the head with
a wrench
who washed the blood off the weapons /
who kept quiet

michael brisco

yes poor michael

his mother says:

"Oh boy, there's a God after all. There really is." NOT FOR NINA - NO GOD FOR NINA

" son has the mental capacity of a 17 year old." DOES HAVING THE MENTAL CAPACITY OF A 17 YEAR DIMINISH RESPONSIBLITY AND MORALS???

"I wish I could take some of the pain away, but I can't.
But my son didn't do it. He just stood there like a dummy." RIGHT - BECAUSE RAPE IS FASCINATING - WATCHING A CHILD GET MURDERED BY A GROUP OF PEOPLE IS INTERESTING - AND BESIDES - WATCHING (according to justice brian burrows) ISN'T A CRIME

to the courtepatte/atkinson family and in particular to nina's mother peacha

i'm so so sorry this happened to your beautiful daughter

i am a mother to 6 children my self
& nina is/was the same age as my only daughter

this crime haunts me /

it has made me fearful for my children's safety

i really hope some how justice has been done

details / in black & white

lost toys / after the snow melts

more garden

in my garden /

window / window